Approximate Reading time: 11 min

Hello All

I am a bit backlogged.

I feel like there is so much I want to say, going back months and months, and so nothing gets written. I decided to stop trying to fill in the backlog and just WRITE!

In my defence, I have spent the last 6 months trying to find a permanent job and actually having a social life.

(As opposed to sitting in front of my laptop for most of the weekend writing).

I am pleased to report that I have started a dance class that I attend every Friday night, and I have been on 13 dates this year.

I am proud.

On the whole, most of my dates have been reasonably enjoyable – nice, normal men, nothing too horrific! Of course, there are always one or two who deserve their very own special category, and I am only too happy to shine a spotlight on them.

I feel it’s my civic duty for all single women out there!!!

You are not alone!

You are not alone!

Besides, what’s the point of dating if I’m not going to learn valuable life lessons as I go?

(please click HERE if you missed #1-3)

Jonothan messaged me on Christmas Day at 9 pm. He was in his mid-40s, with a gorgeous smile and beautiful green eyes. We seemed to hit it off instantly. I then made the momentous mistake of messaging and voice noting him into the wee hours of the following morning – 4 hours of messaging to be exact. It was a rookie mistake…I knew I shouldn’t be doing it…..

BUT

It was Christmas!!!

I was in South Africa, and he had a gorgeous South African accent.

What can I say, the hopeless romantic in me just grabbed the reins and RAN with it!

It never ceases to amaze me how you can spend hours messaging someone and feel like you’ve built this wonderful, authentic connection, only to meet up in person and realise… nope. The only connection you had was with the fantasy you beautifully concocted in your own little head.

Years ago, I read the book by Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends and Influence People. The one thing that always stuck with me from that book was when he said, “If you want to be the most interesting person in the room, then just ask people questions about themselves.”

Because most people love talking about themselves.

(I should know, I have a whole blog dedicated to me, myself and my entire inner family;-)

Hell, who doesn’t want to feel heard, seen and interesting?

So this time around, instead of being the engaging raconteur that entertains/bombards men with my numerous stories

(Aka oversharing and talking waaaaay too much)

…my new strategy on all of my dates has been this:

I ask questions.

I certainly don’t interrogate the men with a list of bullet-point questions, and I definitely don’t ask those painfully awkward and ridiculously stupid ice-breaker questions like

“If you could have dinner with anyone, dead or alive, who would it be?”

I ask normal “getting-to-know-you” questions because I’m genuinely curious. Of course, I also have a slight ulterior motive: I want to see whether they’ll reciprocate and show interest in getting to know me as well.

Throughout my last 10 months of dating, my not-so-scientific study has shown that while most men are able to keep the conversation going and maintain a steady flow of chat, about 20% of men really and truly have zero interest in getting to know you and will quite happily spend the whole date talking about themselves…if you let them.

Unfortunately, on my watch, these ‘Monologue Men’ only get one hour, and then I’m out of there.

Jonathan fell neatly into this category.

By the end of the date, I think I could have written his autobiography. I waited patiently to see if he would feign some sort of interest in getting to know me, but alas, the only question he eagerly asked me was

“So what do you think of me?”

Sigh.

I had hoped that my “coolness” and eagerness to end the date early would have been enough of a clue that I wasn’t interested.

But no.

I got a message about 5 minutes after I got home, asking me what my thoughts were on the date.

When I said that I didn’t feel anything romantic, he then proceeded to ask me what it was that didn’t ‘gel’ for me.

(Um, the fact that you are asking this question in itself, Jonathan.)

I can’t, for the life of me, understand why anyone would ask a virtual stranger – someone they’ve only just met -to tell them what they think is wrong with them.

Why hand that kind of power over to someone else?

I’m certainly not changing something about myself just because a date doesn’t like it. One person’s perception of a flaw might be the exact thing another person absolutely loves about you.

So I explained that it wasn’t something I could quantify – I just didn’t feel a spark.

Jonothan expressed how disappointed he was.

I expressed how sorry I was.

I woke up at 7 am the next morning to find 2 messages from him.

One at 9.30 pm

“Are you awake?”

One at 3.30 am

“I am done with dating! This whole experience has pretty much been the last straw for me!”

Oh, good grief – I broke a man!

I needed my early-morning cup of coffee to process and formulate a kind, mildly empathetic response.

At 7:20 another message came through, berating me for reading his messages

and NOT responding to him.

(He could see the blue tick, you know)

My empathy cup was completely drained.

Jonothan got a very curt message back.

And then he blocked me.

(Thank the pope!)

Old me would have felt guilty.

Old me would have felt truly awful for hurting someone’s feelings, and Neurotic angel

(My inner voice of doom)

would have hounded me excessively for not being more compassionate.

Neurotic Angel was nowhere to be seen or heard.

I agreed to share a cocktail with the man, not become the custodian of his emotional baggage.

I certainly cannot save anyone from the perils of the ‘dating jungle’

– I have only just finished saving myself.

*********

All I can say is, daaaaaaaaaaaamn,

it’s freeing not being a perpetual people-pleaser anymore.

Looking back at my People pleaser anonymous posts – that only took 6 years!

Persistence is key:-)

My second date in South Africa was with Aiden, a 55-year-old pharmacist who had somehow landed the dream job that only required him to work for 6 months of the year. As a result, he spent 6 months in the UK working and then flew back to Cape Town for the remainder of the year to ….um…….pretty much do nothing.

Well, by “do nothing,” I mean hanging out with his friends, visiting wine estates, going on yacht trips and enjoying decadent safari holidays….

You know…..the kind of ‘nothing’ …..

…….we all wish we could do!

Damn, the man had it made!

(I had such high hopes for us.)

We met at a rather fancy cocktail bar, and the conversation flowed pretty easily. There was unfortunately zero chemistry between us, with him too being a bit of a ‘Monologue Man‘, albeit one with very entertaining stories.

I desperately willed myself to turn a blind eye to his genuine lack of interest in my life…..

because, quite frankly, I am in dire need of a safari holiday.

Unfortunately, my safari holiday dream tragically crashed and burned when, after a couple of drinks, Aiden pulled out a roll of stickers and confessed

(with a giggle)

that he loves nothing more than sticking them on statues, poles, or anything that looks vaguely phallic-shaped.

No, …I don’t make this shit up!

IS THIS THE DATING POOL AT 50?

I truly wasn’t ready for the anal stickers!!!

I don’t even think I was able to contain my look of absolute disbelief.

Was this a 55-year-old man or a 12-year-old boy?

He giggled nervously, realising that perhaps the first date wasn’t the best time to share his ‘rectal sticker’ fetish and meekly said

“Well, I think it’s funny – you can get them on Amazon, you know!”

(Mmm, good to know Aiden)

Unfortunately, the damage was done, and my Safari holiday was never going to be the same again.

Why couldn’t he have waited until after our honeymoon?

All in all, it was an ok date.

We mutually agreed that we probably weren’t the best match and, dare I say it, it all felt very mature.

(ps I am positive that somewhere out there is a woman who will love Aiden’s anal rectal stickers as much as he does:-)

I did have one particularly amazing first date with a Kiwi guy called Tom that involved way too many cocktails and a shit-load of kissing. My whole ‘I don’t drink on first dates” rule made a dramatic exit the minute I realised Tom was way cuter than the grainy, awful photos he had posted online.

I have to say it was a pretty fun date.

I asked questions.

Tom asked questions.

The conversation flowed naturally as we bounced stories around about our lives.

I honestly can’t remember the last time I laughed so much with a man.

And OMG I had forgotten how much fun kissing can be:-)

It was just an all-around perfect first date.

We spoke about our second date….Tom even asked me what my idea of a ‘great second date’ would be?’

But alas, no second date materialised.

I know what you are thinking…..“How the hell did you fuck that one up, then?”

(Well, it’s easier said than done these days.)

It kind of happened during our drunken, stumbling walk to the second pub, when Tom asked if I’d like to go back to his place and I had to say no because I definitely don’t do hookups.

(Sorry, Tom — you’re going to have to put in a bit more effort than that.)

In fairness to Tom, he seemed perfectly ok with my decision, and the manic kissing resumed.

About an hour later, as we were walking into the tube station, still fumbling over each other like heady teenagers, Tom suddenly blurted out

“I am very busy by the way – just in case you don’t hear from me”

Um, OK, Tom!

Drunk Gayle heard him loud and clear but was enjoying the kissing way too much to give a damn – and pretended she didn’t hear him.

Just before Tom got off the tube at his stop, he made one valiant last-ditch attempt to woo drunk Gayle back to his place.

I’m not going to lie, every inch of drunk Gayle’s body wanted to go home with that gorgeous, funny man.

But I STAYED strong and said

“No, thank you”

I’m almost certain I caught what could only be described as a flicker of disdain flash across Tom’s face.

Again, drunk Gayle pretended not to notice and bagged herself another kiss before his exit.

I messaged him when I got home to thank him for a really lovely evening, and he responded in kind.

It was a fun date.

But no, date #2 unfortunately did not happen….because as Tom mentioned, he IS very busy!

I can’t say I was too disappointed.

At least Tom was kind enough to give me the not-so-subtle heads-up about the inevitable ghosting.

Besides, thinking about my experience with Jonothan,

I had to remind myself that at the end of the day it was only a first date.

And as much fun as it was, Tom owed me nothing!

I mean, just imagine going on a date with a random good kisser who actually wants to take the time to get to know me before rushing to the next stage

AND

who isn’t too busy to see me again. 😉

I think that prospect sounds pretty exciting.

I shall keep the faith that he is out there!