Approximate reading time: 9min

Written 19 September 2021

I woke up this morning

Glued to my bed

Emotional and exhausted

Poor dog needing to be fed

I could feel her lying

Quietly next to me

Not crying or moaning

Just waiting patiently

But I couldn’t move

So I slept for another two hours

I’m normally up bright and early

(It’s a superpower)

When I opened my eyes

When I finally managed to wake up

I was overwhelmed by sadness

My heart clenched shut

So, I sat down to write a poem

Of how things feel now

Feeling so lost and alone

In a world aggressive and hostile

It’s always amazing noticing

That internal shift

How when I play with rhyme

The sadness softly lifts

Feeling more connected

The gloom erased like chalk

Buoyant and happier

‘Dog’ and I went for a walk

A whole hour in Hampstead Heath

Playing around in the woods

So grateful to be staying

In such a beautiful neighbourhood

On the walk home, I met

An old lady who was lost

Without having her phone

She was a little downcast

I googled her hotel

It was quite a long, winding walk

So ‘dog‘ and I joined her

We chatted happily and talked

And it reminded me once again

Of the relief that always comes

How a little connection with others

Fills my heart with a hum

We said our goodbyes

I was in lovely Hampstead Town

With gorgeous, cozy cafes

Dotted all around

Feeling happy in ventral

I decided to seize the day

Carpe diem, as the Roman poet 

Horace would say

For years, I had no problem

Eating out, solo

But these last couple of years

I haven’t really given it a go

So, I picked a cafe

Found the only free spot and sat down

I’m suddenly approached by a waitress

Wearing a frown

“Who’s joining you? ” she asks

(What don’t I even get a “hello?”)

“Nobody thanks,

It’s just me on my own”

Then, with a look of amusement

Mingled with disdain

She shakes her head briskly

And whisks the menu away

“No, I’m sorry”

she says

(Although her face says she’s not)

“I’m afraid you’re not allowed

To sit in this spot

This table’s only available

for a group of four to sit!”

(Seriously, I couldn’t believe

I was hearing this shit)

“So, what you’re saying is that

As one person out alone

I have no right to enjoy

a meal here on my own?”

Her disinterest is clear

(Her narky energy is strong)

 No empathy for my situation

For what was going on

“Sorry, management’s orders”

She quips irritably

I offer to split the table’s in two

(It could be done easily!)

I’m sure Manual J Smith

Would be so super proud

I was using my voice

Speaking up loud

Finding a workable solution

To this problem at hand

Surely it would work

Surely she could understand

But she shakes her head

Oh, so vigorously

“Splitting tables isn’t allowed”

She spits impatiently

As she stood there glaring

Had she not made herself clear

This table was for four

So, I needed to disappear

I suddenly notice my heart

Beating hard in my chest

I’m so angry and hurt

I want to protest

But the embarrassment and shame

Ekes its way through

As I welled up with tears

I didn’t know what to do

I managed to ask for the manager

(Through gritted teeth)

But feeling dysregulated and anxious

Nothing’s calm about me

Suddenly conscious my inner

Lyssa wants to break free

“Let me at her, Let me at her

I’ll knock out her fucking teeth”

But I reined her in

Lyssa’s driving license has been revoked

But she still makes her presence known

Lingering like exhaust smoke

When the manager comes

He does his best to ‘look’ concerned

But honestly, I didn’t believe him

Not one single word

His apology was half-hearted

He said he’d speak to her

But frankly, it didn’t look like

He even cared

So, I left the restaurant in tears

As Lyla, broke out

A cascade of emotions

All lined by doubt

Alas, it feels lately

Like Lyla, has grabbed the reins

Her and all her neediness

Oozing through my veins

And to join in the chorus

A happy triologue of three

Neurotic Angel was moralising

All that SHOULD be

“You should be tougher!

You should be strong!

You shouldn’t allow others to define

Where you belong!

And she chided as I sobbed

The entire walk home

Why are you missing the

“I don’t give a fuck!” chromosome?”

A miserable, pathetic sight

I was to behold

Dragging exhausted ‘dog’ behind me

Who had no desire to be cajoled

And my inner child, Lyssa

Scoffed bitterly

“And this is why we stay home

Secluded, you see!

There is absolutely no way

Of escaping these narky types

The world is filled with

Nasty arse wipes!”

And then still not done

Neurotic Angel chimes in

More of her opinions

On my non-existent skin

“Oh, for the love of God

Grow some fucking balls

You know they are out there

Build a bloody wall….

Around your heart!

Man up, take control!

 Stop being so sensitive,

Don’t allow them to leave a hole!”

But when I got home

I climbed straight into the bath

A brief respite, allowing me

To sidestep the bitter wrath

Of my inner children

Who are unintentionally so very unkind

Able to tap into a little love

Soothe the voices in my mind

More able to acknowledge

That all of ‘this’

Was simply mirroring that horrible

Limiting belief

That I’ll never fit in

I’ll never feel at home in this world

And this was reflected back

By one nasty little girl

So, I let the tears finish

And then I decided to

Go have some acupuncture

(It’s a new thing that I do)

To help with my anxiety

(And my often painful feet)

When I walk out of my sessions

I’m as chilled as can be

As I climbed on a bus

I clocked an old man

Trying to hold open the back door

Using only his hand

The door closed shut

His hand caught inside

While this pensioner was still

Stuck on the outside

Then the bus suddenly started

And all the people within

Were shouting at the driver

There was the loudest of dins

But the driver didn’t stop

I ran up to the front, adrenaline-filled

“His hand’s stuck in the door,

Please stop!”

I yelled

I couldn’t believe it

He was laughing

As he completely ignored me

He seemed to find all this

Hilariously funny

He wasn’t driving fast

But this man wasn’t young

I felt enraged as all the air

Drained out of my lungs

I literally panicked

I started to scream

“Stop the fucking bus

Why aren’t you listening to me?

And all the people behind me

Were shouting as well

With the continuous beeping

Of the “stop the bus bell”

Finally, he stopped

His sadistic joke ran its course

The old man was ok

I felt slightly reassured

Except every nerve and every fiber

Of my whole, entire being

Was aflame with this burning

White-hot fiery feeling

I burst into tears

I couldn’t stay on the bus

I just felt so completely

And utterly crushed

I found a huge garden

Away from the street

And sat sobbing my eyes out

Under a beautiful oak tree

I felt absolutely raw

Like all my skin was gone

What the fucks wrong with humans?

I felt so completely done

And I couldn’t calm down

I couldn’t regulate

My heart was filled with

So much fucking hate

Why does being in this world

Hurt so very much

Every little thing

Every little touch

I know I’m highly Sensitive

I know I feel it all

But it feels like a curse

I wish I had ‘that’ wall

I thought if I left teaching

I thought I’d finally be ok

I could ‘manage’ my life

Keep the toxic people at bay

But as I sat there, it hit me

With crystal-clear clarity

As long as I live in this world

 I will never be free

That this ‘fight’ against all

That I deem unjust and unfair

Is never going to end

It’s never going anywhere

And I know I only see

A mere pinprick of it all

I live a privileged life

That’s for damn fucking sure

While billions struggle

With terror and heartache every day

Fighting to survive

Desperate to find their way

And as I sat there sobbing

Under that tree

This feeling of absolute powerlessness

Just overwhelmed me

I’m unable to make

Any lasting true change

I can’t keep up in this world

I can’t play its games

What is the point?

Why am I here?

What role do I play?

I just wish I could disappear

Every inch of hope gone

Completely skinless and raw

What is the reason?

What is this all for?

And I just sat and cried

For as long as it took

Then I reached out, called a friend

Who’d let me off the hook

A friend who wouldn’t judge me

Expect me not to feel so much

Who’d have compassion and hold open

A space filled with love

And as she listened quietly

As validated my shitty day

I felt so overwhelmed with gratitude

For the role that she plays

Because when you have friends who get you

Friends who understand

Who can be a witness to your pain

A soft place that you can land

It’s the most beautiful feeling

I can’t even explain

My silver lining to an emotionally

Overwrought day

That evening my SSP therapist

Was happy to be on call

Reminding me of what I know  

What I have learnt before

How SSP softens our defences

Allowing buried pain

To come to the surface

To be healed slowly each day

The key to SSP working

And doing its job

Is learning to acknowledge the pain

And not trying so hard

To intellectualise

To explain

To push it away  

Simply being present and witnessing

Everything on display

Practicing non- resistance

Gently staying aligned

To that loving-empathetic part

That is with you all time…