Approximate reading time: 15 min

Ok, so I am finally ready to finish my attachment theory post, following on from my

“The problem with pink elephants post”.

In case you missed the point of my pink elephant ramble – I can summarise it all for you in one sentence:

I think the reason I love studying it so much is that when you begin to look at behaviours and reactions through this attachment lens, it helps you to start having a little bit more understanding and compassion for yourself and other people.

Now bare with me please as I play ‘Teacher’ for the next couple of posts 🙂

The Attachment Theory was initially developed by British psychologist John Bowlby in the 1930s as he was interested in understanding the anxiety and distress that children experience when they are separated from their primary caregivers.

Bowlby described attachment as a “lasting psychological connectedness between human beings” ¹ He essentially believed that the earliest bonds formed by children with their caregivers had a tremendous impact on all of their relationships throughout life.

In the 1950s Bowlby continued his work with one of his students Mary Ainsworth, who was a developmental psychologist and researcher. (If Bowlby was the father of attachment then Ainsworth was its mother. ) Based on her research, Mary Ainsworth identified three major styles of attachment that children have to their parents or caregivers. (A fourth, less common type of strategy was identified in 1990 by one of Ainsworth’s students Mary Main)

Mary Ainsworth was perhaps also best known for her “Strange Situation” assessment, which was a way of observing a child’s attachment to a caregiver.

It goes without saying that as newborn babies we are completely helpless and without the care of our parents we would essentially die. It is for this exact reason that we, as infants, learn attachment strategies that are essentially designed to help keep us alive. These strategies help us to organise our behaviour and thoughts around a consistent goal:

To keep us connected to our caregivers and keep us safe!

It is important to remember that these attachment types are not ‘personality styles’ they are simple strategies that are developed according to your needs as an infant. We also don’t want to fall into the assumption that one strategy is better than another. There are certain times in life when we might have to all dip into various parts of each strategy to keep us safe. eg A confident, secure person who has no problem speaking up and using their voice might instinctively know to inhibit their feelings and words if they found themselves in sudden conflict with someone very volatile and aggressive. They might simply realise that inhibiting themselves would be exactly the right strategy needed to keep them alive.

People that fall under this category are also often referred to as having a secure attachment. The secure attachment strategy is the most common type of attachment in western society with research suggesting that around 66% of the US population is securely attached.²

These are people that grew up with parents who were essentially ‘good enough’. These parents weren’t perfect, by all means. but for a significant percentage of the child’s upbringing, their behaviour was consistently in tune with the child’s needs and emotions. On the basic physical level, an attuned parent listens for cues that the child is hungry, full, tired, or that they might need their nappy changed etc. These parents are sensitive, emotionally present and in tune with what is going on in the infant’s tiny world and they are not phased by the baby’s stress. They understand that their children have needs and when their child is upset they instinctively want to try and make it better. For them, their baby’s tears simply signal that something is wrong and they do what they can to try to figure out what the problem is so that they can fix it. These are the parents who, for the most part, are able to regulate their own emotions and deal with their own stress in a healthy way. It’s not that they don’t have stress, but that they have developed healthy strategies to manage it. One of the skills that these parents have is the ability of mentalising for the baby.

Mentalization essentially refers to the ability to reflect upon, and to understand your state of mind; to have insight into what you are feeling, and why.  Mentalization is assumed to be an important coping skill that is necessary for effective emotional regulation.³ 

It of course without saying that being able to ‘think about your thinking‘ is not something we are innately born with. Instead, it is a skill that needs to be modelled and taught by our parents. A caregiver’s insightful understanding of a child’s experience, coupled with feedback to their child about this experience is how this mentalization can be modelled for them. As the parent pays attention to the child, their environment, and what they are experiencing this ultimately culminates in the child learning to reflect on and understand their own minds.

An example of this might simply be a mother spending time with a newborn baby, playing, giggling and imitating the gurgling sounds the baby might make. By doing this she is providing powerful non-verbal communication with her child, Her message simply being “I see you” “I hear you!” All of these nonverbal messages, when done consistently over time send cues of safety to the infant.

Or another example might be when a parent notices a child’s sudden nervous reaction to a dog barking. They are able to soothe the child and talk them through what the noise is and where it is coming from. They reassure the anxious child that they are ok. They don’t downplay, laugh or shame the child for their emotions. Consistently noticing and then soothing these seemingly insignificant stresses that an infant might have; validating the child’s experiences and being the secure base that the young child can always come back to leads to a deep sense of trust being built up. First, the tiny infant learns that their attachment figures can be trusted, which then contributes to them learning to trust themselves.

In one of the studies done on epistemic trust in attachment 3 and 4-year-old children were shown this picture of a hybrid cat/squirrel and asked what they thought it might be. The study found that the more securely attached the child was the more they were able to admit that they didn’t know, and then perhaps take a guess at which one they thought they saw more of. They also didn’t seem to be swayed by their caregiver’s answer. They essentially have a mind of their own and they are comfortable verbalising their thoughts and feelings.

In the ‘Strange Situation’ assessments that are used to help identify an infant’s attachment strategy, the child is separated from the mother and then reunited 3 minutes later. A securely attached infant will get very upset when their mother leaves them alone in the room and is unlikely to allow a stranger that enters the room to soothe them. On the mother’s return, these babes usually calm down relatively quickly. They are able to be comforted by the mother and will very soon start playing with toys and engaging with the mother again. With a securely attached infant, the mother is the secure base that enables them to engage and regulate their emotions.

“Secure attachment to a caring adult gives babies the support they need to become separate individuals by not asking them to deal with the confusion and distress of being alone and helpless. When a parent responds sensitively and warmly to a child’s earliest needs, the self is formed with every interaction.“³

-Kent Hoffman

I have to admit one of the reasons (There are soooooooo many:-) I’m rarely on social media these days is because I often get really upset about the number of youtube/tick-tock videos that are uploaded of babies/toddlers that are visibly distressed and crying about something. Rather than their parents being attuned to this stress and anxiety and helping their child to soothe,

they decide to pick up a camera and record it?

In one video I saw, I saw a little contraption being used that actually flicked a blob of cream straight into the baby’s face. Obviously, the baby got a huge fright and burst into tears while his mum seemed to think this was the funniest thing ever. Honestly, it always baffles me how there are always thousands of ‘like’ comments about how adorable and cute these videos are?

Like seriously, at what point did watching a baby/child crying their eyes out EVER become ‘cute’?

PS. Sometimes I just think the world has gone crazy.

Rant over.

When a Type B infant grows up they have essentially learnt that:

These children are generally autonomous and confident and have a good balance between what they think(cognition) and feel (affect). They can typically handle disappointments and although they might get upset and frustrated at times they are able to pendulate back to a calmer state relatively quickly.

Securely attached children who can rely on an adult from birth are more able to rely on themselves when they get older, particularly because they know that they have the counsel and comfort of a trusted adult. Having this security leads to confidence, self-reliance and resilience.

And yes, you guessed it securely attached children grow up to be bloody marvellous securely attached adults! 😉

In case you were wondering if ‘this’ is you….

I have attached this checklist from the Attachment Project below.

(I do apologise though it looks like Neurotic Angel scribbled all over it!!!!)

Suprise, Suprise

As you can see, alas noooooo , secure attachment…….I AM NOT!

(Who would have guessed it?;-)

the very good news is that I am very slowly working myself towards an “Earned Secure!”

Yes,

there is a medal with my name on it, which I will receive before my 108th birthday!

So if I can leave you with one last thought..

if you, like me, aren’t YET securely attached…

Don’t stress it!

I am pretty sure there is a medal with your name on it toooooooooo!!!!

There is always hope!!!

To be continued….

Credits

1. Bowlby J. Attachment and Loss. Basic Book
2. https://www.attachmentproject.com/blog/secure-attachment/
3. Personality-disorders Attachment Theory Expanded: Mentalization. (n.d.). Retrieved October 24, 2022, from https://www.mentalhelp.net/personality-disorders/attachment-theory-expanded-mentalization.
4. Kent Hoffman; https://psychcentral.com/pro/nine-ways-children-benefit-from-secure-attachment#9.-Security-makes-way-for-better-physical-health.

Mum and baby Image by PublicDomainPictures from Pixabay

Dad and baby Image by Candelario Gomez Lopez from Pixabay

Mum and baby Image by PublicDomainPictures from Pixabay