Approximate reading time: 8 minutes
I’ve been quiet, I know…. 😉
Unfortunately, this week (and next) are my ‘Much-deaded-teaching-in-school days’
where I actually need to do some real work.
I’d love to say that it has been a pleasure to be back this week….
but alas I cannot lie.
(I am not sure if I have mentioned that before?;-)
They never seem to get any better.
(OK, Ok, in fairness I need to add that yesterday I actually landed up in a truly lovely school and I had a beautiful day…but I have already written most of this post so I’m not deleting it now! There is certainly no point in wasting a perfectly good moan!;-)
I do obviously realise that I have blinders on when it comes to focusing on the positives of schools….
There are millions of astronomically amazingly positive things that can be found in schools and that would be the pupils!
(Even the difficult ones!)
In my defence of this utterly depressing cynism and paranoid distrust of schools…
I do feel like I have a valid, justifiable reason!
(‘or excuse?’- you choose!)
So sit back- relax!! Because in a very looooooong-winded way, I will attempt to explain it!
(Maybe get some tea!;-)
(I mean I have thought about this logically you know!)
It’s kinda like this……
Imagine that what I dislike most about all schools are all the pink elephants.
(Scary-looking little fuckers don’t ya think?)
I know I need to STOP looking for the pink elephants…
But every time I remind myself NOT to look for the pink elephants
all I ever end up seeing is even MORE pink elephants.
Which only makes me even MORE irritated and frustrated…
because these bloody pink elephants are everywhere!!!
It’s like groundhog day on steroids.
Every day is a different school,
Every day I have different kids,
And (mostly) every day has pretty much precisely the same issues…
the exact same pink elephants just dressed up in different disguises.
In some morbid way, I am fascinated by these pink elephants.
(Probably because I grew up with my own pink elephants that in many ways are still affecting my own life.)
And all I want to do is shout from the rooftops…..
OMG!!!
LOOK at all these pink elephants!!!!!
But sadly I have discovered, that the majority of people I meet
have little interest in discussing pink elephants.
I mean, yes, they realise that there is a problem, they smell the shit and they see the
damage that these pink elephants can do.
…but other than moaning about it and trying to mitigate the damage
it never really feels like there is any urgency to try and clear away all these pink elephants.
Surely life is just filled with pink elephants and we should just accept it as such?
On the odd occasion that I do attempt to speak about said pink elephants,
I get that glazed-over look,
(that I am so used to)
that roughly translates to….
“Maybe if I just smile sweetly she will stop talking about this?”
So I don’t talk about the pink elephants that much anymore….
I just write out my internal frustrations about them in my poems.
Eg As in the before-posted poem ‘Liberty’
(Luckily my poems never get tired of me!)
Until two weeks ago I felt a little bit overwhelmed and drowned out by all these depressing pink elephants in the world.
Because frankly, this pink elephant problem is huge…
Fucking HUGE I tell you!!!
and I had nooooo idea how to even start tackling them.
Up until two weeks ago I (sometimes) felt like the most negative person in the world
because I was constantly focusing on the problem of these pink elephants!
….rather than being the bloody solution!!
And then two weeks ago I sat down to my first online lecture for the Attachment theory…
and honestly
it felt like coming home.
The lecturer might have well said:
“Good morning everyone,
today I am going to show you some videos
and I’d like you to see if you can identify any of
the pink elephants in the room?”
It was two days of lectures filled with lots of talk about pink elephants.
We got to analyse them
We got to categorise them
We learnt where they came from
Why they are here
And how we could start understanding them a little bit better.
And it truly felt liberating.
These ever-present pink elephants –
are the severe lack of healthy ‘attachments’ that are so prevalent in our schools and our society as a whole.
This deep, pervasive disconnection that affects so many of the pupils and so many of the teachers (myself included!)
Avoidant, anxious, angry, inhibited, dysregulated children/ (and teachers) who are drowning in their own emotions.
(Even if they aren’t showing it)
Two weeks ago it dawned on me that I have spent the good part of the last 30 years or so simply noticing these damaged attachments that are everywhere.
(Particularly when it comes to children.)
Sometimes it feels like my hypersensitivity for children who are feeling any type of distress or pain is dialled up to about 120%.
It’s like I have this inbuilt radar that hones in on the problem
and then sets off a screeching alarm in my head that I find almost impossible to turn off!!!
In schools, this alarm is obviously heightened as there are so many children.
At times it is exhausting!
My lecturer made the rather astute comment that most of us were here, doing this course, for the exact same reason, to try and figure out what went wrong when we were growing up.
Two weeks ago it dawned on me how, just maybe, there is a reason I have been noticing attachment issues my whole life.
Without continually seeing all those pink elephants….
would I have come to understand the magnitude of this problem?
How the attachment strategies that we learn as children affect so very much in our lives….
from our relationships with our parents, our partners, our children, our family, or to our friends.
How it directly affects the way we portray ourselves to others.
When you understand how attachment strategies work then you can begin to gain insight into how and why people react in certain ways, why people get triggered into rage responses, why others get depressed or anxious or on a bigger scale why people develop narcissistic tendencies, psychopathy or other mental disorders.
You can gain understanding and compassion for those people who continually jump from one relationship to the next or that ‘long-time-boyfriend’ who might not be able to take that final ‘commitment’ next step and actually propose.
Understanding people’s attachment strategies can help us glean some insight into why a ‘physically abused’ woman continually goes back to her abusive partner or why children being sexually or physically abused are so good at hiding it.
It explains why two people, who both experience the exact same trauma react so differently to it. One person oozes resilience and seems able to pretty easily pick up the pieces, heal and move on with their life ….while the other person might struggle for years to put themselves back together again.
Our attachment style forms the foundation for how we learn to trust or not trust as adults.
When you start to understand your own attachment strategies it so logically makes sense why trying to follow another person’s path/advice for your healing and growth is often so futile and only leaves you feeling frustrated and like you are a failure.
You can also begin to understand your anxiety and the underlying reasons for it.
You might also start to grasp exactly why it is that certain people are addicted to relationships and cannot be alone….
while others struggle to even get that first foot onto the starting line of a relationship!
(Uhhhmmm….I’m not talking about anyone in particular here:-)
The Attachment Theory is truly a minefield full of fascinating information!
I have soooo much to learn!:-)
(I am pretty excited!
can you tell?)
Recently I have been thinking about a quote by Allan Watts:
Perhaps all these years I have been trying to put myself in trees when really I should have been embracing the water and all the emotions that come with it.
Rather than beating myself up for continually seeing all these pink elephants, perhaps I could learn to be grateful for this gift, that I do actually see them.
I’m going to work on that!
(to be continued)
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