Just a random rant

Approximate reading time: 18 min

I have to admit at the moment I am struggling to write. I feel like all the positive, happy energy has been drained out of me….and I can barely even remember bouncing, jovial Gayle who wrote almost ‘a post a day’ a couple of weeks ago. I have a half-written attachment post just sitting there taunting me….but unfortunately, it’s not happening at the moment.

So for the sake of just getting something out there,

I am going to just offload this week a little bit and see where that takes me:-)

Yesterday I was at one of my favourite schools teaching a year 2 class.

The class itself was lovely, really well behaved and no behaviour problems, so to speak. There were two autistic children in the class who both had one-to-one support.

(This in itself is a blessing. I cannot even begin to tell you how many schools I have been to where there are autistic children with absolutely no support, whatsoever.)

One of the learning support assistants (LSA’s ) had huge painted-on eyebrows,

and a face like a tornado.

Let’s call her Tammy, shall we?

The moment I saw Tammy’s scowling face at early morning staff meeting my immediate thought was

“Please, pleeeeease God, don’t put me in her class”

Sometimes I don’t know why I even bother?

…..because as luck would have it…

I landed up in her class.

(Please Note: I am not just being mean and judgemental;-)

Tammy was supposed to be supporting one of the little autistic girls called Leah.

I say ‘supposed to’ because it very soon became apparent that Tammy’s idea of ‘support’ entailed her sitting by the computer, at the back of the class, and shouting demands at this child whenever she started acting up. My maths lesson was difficult as hell as Leah continued to shout out and get upset if I didn’t call on her to answer every single question.

Tammy did pretty much nothing, except shout the same warning at Leah 3 times in a row.

“Do you need to go have a movement break ?”

(It sounds like a question but her tone of voice was anything but inquiring)

The mind boggles why she was using ‘a movement break’ as a threat.

A movement break is a recommended strategy to help autistic or ADHD children incorporate a little movement in between lessons, (or sometimes during, if they are struggling to focus.) It is supposed to be a preventative measure to help the child regulate and hopefully learn to take a little ownership over themselves if they are perhaps feeling too overwhelmed or overstimulated.

It is most definitely not meant to be used as punishment.

Besides the obvious frustration, I felt, with Tammy shouting at an autistic child….

her sense of entitlement was astounding…..

She simply had no regard for the rest of the pupils in the class or for the fact that every time she told Leah off (at the top of her voice) she disrupted the entire lesson.

After about 15 minutes of this, Tammy got up and came over to tell Leah off. She then confiscated Leah’s whiteboard

(God knows why?

What did the whiteboard ever do to her?)

and left this poor child sitting on the carpet with nothing to do except watch all the other children working on their whiteboards.

Of course, Leah got even more agitated and then started yelling.

(I honestly couldn’t blame her for that!)

When Tammy issued her 4th:

“Do you need to go have a movement break?”

I had finally had enough.

(Neurotic Angel was on anxious high alert, warning me:

“Don’t do it!!

I have, in the past, had a few pretty nasty experiences with these types.

But unfortunately for Neurotic Angel, these experiences have only made me stronger and more determined than ever to speak up and use my voice, especially when their behaviour is impacting childrens learning.)

I interceded and suggested that perhaps Tammy should take Leah out for that ‘suggested movement’ break.

She took Leah out and proceeded to spend the rest of the day ignoring me,

giving me one-word answers

and refusing to make any eye contact.

(Compared to some of the reactions I have gotten in the past this was mild.)

Like I have said before

Groundhog day!

If you want a surefire way to gauge a person’s narcissistic tendencies…..say ‘no’ to them or point out something they might have done incorrectly.

They will not take kindly to it.

In her article “How a person with narcissism reacts to a perceived threat” Sharon Stines explains how bonds between people generally develop through the process of rupture and repair. People learn to handle insecurities in a relationship by building up trust over time. Ruptures or conflicts in any relationship eventually lead to a deeper connection or repair. But unfortunately, this is not really the case in a narcissistic relationship. Offending a person with narcissism can lead to an immediate, lasting, and perhaps irreparable fallout. When dealing with these people the rules are different because narcissists carry a deep narcissistic wound. This wound, which often develops, in childhood results in deep shame attacks when they feel even the slightest bit challenged. This shame then leads to intense rage, (exhibited or internalised) which ultimately can result in the punishment, banishment, devaluing, or discarding of their perceived offender.

Their grandiose sense of self, which is necessary for their own self-preservation, means that even a minor slight towards them leaves them feeling like their roles are being threatened.

“Since people with narcissism have distorted views of themselves, they tend to perceive any positive interactions as expected and any negative interactions as personal attacks.“

SIGH!

I’m done caring!

I must admit rather than leaving school fuming angry yesterday

(like I have in the past)

…I just felt bored.

I’m seriously so fucking bored of dealing with these types of people in our schools.

(I know I should have compassion and all that,

but hell at times I come up short!!!)

Perhaps at the moment, all I can do is be grateful that my anger towards them,

has now morphed into utter boredom!

(I mean technically I am only 4 small steps away from ‘cool, calm, collected, ZEN-like status!‘)

Surely that’s got to count for something?

(Give me another 10 years!;-)

I can’t for the life of me even understand why or how so many of them even get hired in the first place.

Well no, actually, that’s not true….I have a couple of theories….based on my own ‘subjective’ experiences of course;-)

Here goes!!
For starters, they make the manipulation of others look like child’s play.

It’s always fascinating to watch the behaviour change of these types of people when they are talking to anyone in the leadership team. It’s like watching a reality show called:

“Jekyll and Hyde”

They are friendly, smiley and oh-so accommodating.

Random (Totally Related Story):

A couple of years ago I requested to have a meeting with a deputy head teacher and narky colleague who I had been struggling with. She was dismissive, rude and undermined me at every corner. Working with her had been exhausting, to say the least, and it was a huge thing for me to even bring this to the attention of the head teacher and ask for support with it.

I will never forget, the smiley, affable, communicative, salt-of-the-earth person

that turned up for that meeting.

Frustrations were aired.

I told her how much her dismissiveness hurt me, she was so sweet and understanding and apologised. She assured me that it was never personal.

She implored me to speak to her in the future, we are after all a team….blah, blah, blah….

She was the picture of regulation, poise and friendliness.

(The exact opposite of her daily demeanour towards me for the previous 3 months.)

I came out of that meeting feeling relieved that we had finally addressed this issue

but also a little shell-shocked.

What the hell just happened?

Who was that person?

Why did I end up feeling like I was the one who was ‘just being overly sensitive?’

Maybe these last 3 months had ‘all been in my head.’

Maybe I really should have communicated with her better.

It dawned on me a couple of weeks later

(after she went right back to treating me exactly the same way!)

that she had quite simply gaslit the shit out of me!

Honestly, someone should have nominated that woman for an Oscar

She played her part beautifully!

Another thing that I have consistently noticed, about narcissistic adults.

A study done by Alessandra Falco aimed to investigate the association between narcissism with workaholism and work engagement states

“Individuals with high narcissism may have a strong focus on being successful at work, an area of their life in which they can satisfy the need of power and admiration by demonstrating their abilities and superiority over others.”

They are typically workaholics whose whole life revolves around school. They will often be the first in the morning and the last out at the end of the day. They are energetic and display vigor, enthusiasm and dedication for their work that is often hard to match. They are attracted to leadership roles that feed this insatiable need for power, validation and control. Sadly while they might shine in the workplace their home life leaves much to be desired…(but of course, we never see that side of things).

In “How To Protect Yourself When Working With A Narcissist” Dr. Nicole Lipkin states:

“Narcissists can be charming, high-functioning professionals who leave you with a very positive first impression. They are often charismatic, hard-working, full of ideas, and able to infect others with their own enthusiasm.”

A person with high traits of narcissism will inevitably set themselves up to be an invaluable member of staff. They will essentially have their fingers in every single pie and they will be the ‘fixers’ of any number of problems.

It’s for these exact reasons that so many of them get away with atrocious behaviour. I once taught alongside a highly narcissistic head of department, (Good Lord, she was a nightmare to work with). One of the teachers confided in me that she had pretty much made every staff member in that school cry at some point or another.

(Perhaps a mild exaggeration on her part – but you get the point!)

She also stressed how the ‘entire leadership team knew’ but no one ever did anything because frankly, this teacher was such a dedicated and motivated worker.

In hindsight, I remember when I initially took the job I was ‘tentatively’ warned by the deputy head about this particular teacher;

“She has a different way of working with others and if she seems a bit abrupt at times, just ignore it. That’s just her manner, don’t take it personally. Ultimately she is very helpful and has a good heart!!”

AAh bless, well that’s all that matters then, isn’t it?

NO.

Dr. Nicole Lipkin goes on to say describe how toxic and damaging narcissists can be in the work environment.

“They will also manipulate, lie, and gaslight without any remorse in order to protect their own standing. Choosing to battle them is pointless because they’re not empathetic and don’t live by the same code of ethics as most of the world. Moreover, should you be on the receiving end of a narcissistic outburst of rage, you most likely won’t have it in you to match their rage, and you wouldn’t want to.“

I remember asking my therapist in absolute exasperation last year why it feels like our schools are overflowing with narcissistic adults.

He simply said: “It gives them power over tiny helpless people with very little supervision.”

It’s a sombre thought, isn’t it?