Reading time: 25 minutes

I recently finished reading a book by Gail Honeyman called ‘Eleanor Oliphant is just fine.’ It’s definitely a very interesting read about a woman who struggles with the basic logistics of everyday life. Having had an abusive mother as a child she was consequently moved from foster home to foster home until she turned 18 and was finally given her own flat to live in. It’s a funny, yet tragic book about loneliness and isolation and how never having a stable, loving home ultimately affects a persons ability to interact with others. Eleanor’s observations of the world and her frank description of how weird humans really can be is definitely entertaining and as a character, you can’t help but love her brutal honesty towards all the people that she meets. I honestly think that Gail did such a brilliant job with this book that touches on such very real issues.

What I found rather interesting though was Gail’s explanation as to how she came up with the inspiration of this book.

” A few years ago I read a newspaper article about loneliness. It included an interview with a young professional woman living in a big city, who said she would often leave work on a Friday afternoon and then not speak to another human being until she returned on Monday morning. When loneliness is discussed in the media, it is usually in the context of older people so I was struck by this. I started to think about how difficult it can be, at any age, to forge meaningful connections, and to imagine various scenarios in which a young woman would find herself living in such circumstances. From here the character of Eleanor began to emerge”

Please note that this is DEFINITELY not a criticism or a judgement of Ms Honeyman and her observations…(I totally get that she was simply writing a fictional story from her own creative perspective)….. this is more of a philosophical rumination on her comment. I found it interesting that her depictions of loneliness needed to be portrayed in a character who clearly had no friends/possessed zero people skills/ could possibly have been diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome/ was most probably suffering from a post-traumatic stress disorder or perhaps even living with a serious attachment disorder. It struck me as odd that in order for the subject of loneliness to find a voice it needed to be attached to such a deep level of dysfunction.

Loneliness is a subject I have chatted to a couple of my friends about, at length, over the last couple of years. A few of them have encouraged me to write this post…because no matter who we are, or what stage of our life we might be in, loneliness is a universal emotion that is or will be prevalent in all of our lives. (At one time or another). And yet, I wholeheartedly agree with Gail that it is often such an unspoken about topic. John Cacioppo who was the co-founder of the field of social neuroscience did extensive studies on loneliness for more than 30 years before his death in 2018. According to him, loneliness is an aversive signal much like thirst, hunger or pain. He states that denying you feel lonely makes no more sense than denying you feel hunger. Yet the very word “lonely” carries a negative connotation signalling social weakness, or an inability to stand on one’s own. Loneliness is stigmatized as the psychological equivalent of being a loser or a weak person and it is often connected to so much shame that it is hard for us to admit that we even feel it. Which, as Cacioppo points out, is the biggest part of the problem because how can we possibly start to solve an issue while we are actively denying its existence? Cacioppo goes on to say that living with loneliness increases your odds of early death by 45%.

The sad thing is that this denial of our loneliness means that as a result, we spend our entire lives trying to hook into whatever it is we feel will save us from it, alcohol, cigarettes, social media, friends, family…the list is endless. We seem to think that simply keeping ourselves busy 24/7, finding good causes to support or focusing all our energy on external projects and other people are the solutions to ours and everyone else’s loneliness. I should know, I feel like I have spent the last 8 or so years trying to stopgap this horrible emotion. About 5 years ago I vividly remember my therapist saying to me: “Gayle I envision a day when you will be able to spend the whole weekend alone and be happy.” (Being the co-dependent, party girl that I was, I was pretty certain he was delusional.)

My first two months adjusting to London life were both exhilarating and at times incredibly difficult for me. I am pretty good at putting on a brave face and playing the part of “just fine” but there are days when things completely overwhelm me and the wheels just come flying off. A few months ago I woke up one Sunday morning on such a day. Feeling completely black and disconnected from everything and everyone I felt like my heart was just being drowned by this most horrible feeling of isolation, loneliness and hopelessness. In hindsight, I realise that it had been triggered by a couple of simultaneous events that week.

1. I had broken my #1 Cardinal Rule (as a highly sensitive person): Do not read newspapers! I had read an article where doctors had berated women for leaving childbearing till their 40’s. Didn’t we know that after 44 the success rate of getting pregnant was no more than 3 or 4 percent? How could we possibly be so irresponsible? (At that point in time I was officially 2 months away from my 44th birthday.)
2. Consequently that same week we had a baby shower for another teacher at my school. Sitting there smiling trying to share in her joy felt absolutely devasting for me. (I mean I had just over 60 days to find a man, get married and knocked up before I became another super sad statistic!😉) Ok well, not really, I think my underlying feeling was more a realisation that there was a very real chance I might never have the experience of actually carrying my own child.
3. That weekend, in my buoyant attempt to get myself out of my slowly enveloping “depressive funk” I decided to get out into the world and BE SOCIABLE! At that point in time, I still did not have any single friends in London, so I had simply gone to a comedy show the night before, by myself. The show was hilarious and I absolutely loved every minute of it. However, it dawned on me (‘Sledgehammer style’😳) as I left to go home that night, that I had barely spoken to anyone the whole evening and it just triggered a whole host of free-floating anxiety in me. (Free- floating anxiety: Anxiety that cannot be pinned to any specific issue. It seems as if the anxiety just floats in and out, coming and going with no apparent cause.)

So I woke up the next morning a sobbing, anguished mess, completely overwhelmed by that thought: Is this it? I am very grateful that over the last few years I have developed a couple of tools to help me kick start my day, especially when I wake up anxious. (Which, in this transitional period of my life, is marginally more days than I would ever like to admit😌) I meditate daily and if that doesn’t do the trick, I write. Writing for me is the best anti-depressant ever. On some days I can seriously go from Bride of Chucky to Mary Poppins in roughly 2.5

handwritten pages.😂 Acclaimed author and winner of the Nobel Prize in Literature Toni Morrison (who sadly passed away this week) talked about living in a world of chaos and how her writing helped her to order it. (I ditto that😉) Unfortunately, on this particular Sunday, this was not one of these days. I tried meditating, I tried writing, I tried calling my best friend, Rachel. (Usually calm and reassuring, she was a little at a loss for words as to how she should respond to the wild wailing on the other side of the phone.). I eventually managed to pull myself out of bed with the explicit intention of dragging myself to a co-dependence anonymous meeting. Years ago, when I was living in London I started going to these meetings and they played such a huge part in helping me to start finding my voice, connecting with other people and normalizing my feelings. For me, it felt absolutely amazing to know that there was a whole world of people out there who also carry around their very own personalised and especially handcrafted hammers – ready to beat the shit out of themselves at any given moment and for any given reason. (Thank the pope I was not alone!) At a time in my life when I felt incredibly lonely and isolated these groups had been a life jacket for me. For just over a year, these meetings became my home and my family. It was here that my sponsor said to me over and over again: “Gayle what other people think of you is none of your fucking business” (I still remind myself of this daily💪) I had been talking about going for weeks but it wasn’t until that point that I absolutely knew I had to actually get up and go. So I dragged myself halfway across London for my first coda meeting in over 8 years. (This would do the trick. Connect! Connect! Connect!👍)

Unfortunately what I failed to factor into the equation was that 8 years ago I had two parents to blame for all my shortcomings and failures. Now I had none. Sitting in a meeting listening to people talk about their struggles and anxieties of dealing with their parents, while necessary for them, only exasperated my pain of not having any. Now on top of everything, I was reminded about how much I missed my parents.😨. I didn’t have the easiest relationship with my mother but FUCK IT, what I would do for a hug, or a crazy-long-arsed-smiley-saturated-WhatsApp message about her life or a random call, at the worst possible moment ever! I would pick up in an instant!! So the meeting was an hour and a half long and I was the crazed woman at the back crying and blowing her nose for the duration of the session. As I sat there I realised with such intense clarity that while these groups had been such a safe haven for me years ago, I was a completely different person now. This was no longer my home. So I left at the end of the session and made the blabbering trek home. (FYI it is mortifyingly embarrassing crying on the tube. You don’t know where to look, other people most certainly don’t know where to look. You can’t put a bag over your head and you have to get home. Absolute SHAME and humiliation!!)

By the time I eventually got home, the crying had finally subsided and I crawled back into bed exhausted. I was beside myself with anger and frustration….I knew I was the only person who could pull myself out of this but I felt completely powerless. My internal dialogue was raging at God and the universe. “What now? How do I make this stop?” My answer was clear and it was simple. Again, no booming voices from above it was just a very still knowing, and it asked me this: Did you really think you could outrun your loneliness, Gayle? Is it so bad, just being with you? Um…no.😏

So I slept. I gave up the struggle of fighting the all-consuming blackness, I reminded myself that it was simply an emotion and that it too would pass. It doesn’t define my entire existence. I wish I could say that I then spent the rest of the day in deep contemplative meditation, but nope, I stayed in bed and watched Netflix the entire day. (I did!!- my friends with kids want to kill me right now😂) The next day I got up and what do you know… happy Gayle was back. I had an amazing week! So I have subsequently through the years come to understand quite a lot about my experiences with loneliness. For me it is not the absence of a significant other, the loss of a child (I may or may not have), or a much-needed connection with someone who gets me. Because the truth of the matter is that for 90%of my single life I am walking around without any of these things….and I am perfectly fine! (To clarify, I have lots of people that ‘get me’, my meaning is more that they are not physically with me 24/7) Hell, I’d even go so far as to say on most days I am pretty fucking happy with my life.😁

I feel connected, I feel love, gratitude and appreciation for all that I have. On those occasional ‘wheel-falling-off’ days that I am consumed by loneliness, the only thing I really miss…is umm….me. I miss the person that loves her life, I miss the person that has faith that the universe has her back… I miss the person that 100% believes that she has everything she needs to be happy. On those days she feels like she has been sucked into oblivion and I want her back!!!!!! But my solution is always so simple: Know that she is still me, and love her. Recognise my shadow self for what she is. That side of my personality that contains all the parts of me that I don’t want to admit to having. Stop trying to hide and deny these parts that I perceive as dark, weak and pathetic. Keep doing what I’m doing…write about them. Shine a light on them, let them breathe because keeping them hidden under the banners of ‘shame‘, ‘embarrassment‘ and ‘not good enough‘ has not worked for me for the first 40 plus years of my life.

So as a single 44-year-old, childless woman, I am more than happy to admit that I have struggled with my fair share of loneliness and all the stinking thinking that often comes with it. But this is my story and I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that us, (single people) do not hold the monopoly on loneliness. I have spoken to friends who feel stuck in unhappy marriages and I have realised how truly isolating and alone this can make you feel. Surely there can’t be anything more lonely than feeling anchored to someone that just doesn’t get you? I have spoken to friends who have come out of a divorce and they have shared their absolute terror at now having to face this dreaded loneliness full on. One recently divorced friend told me that woman he is now dating is an absolute fruit loop, but that dating her was easier than being alone. I felt truly heartbroken when I heard this. Here was someone openly admitting that they would rather settle for a person who continually causes drama and pain in their life than actually learn to embrace his own solitude. A while back I saw a Facebook friend had posted a heartwarming post about how isolated and alone she felt being a young mother with two small children. She raised such a valuable point, she is definitely not alone in these feelings. A couple of months ago I met a girl at a workshop who has recently started being self-employed. Mid-conversation she just blurted out: “It’s so incredibly lonely working by myself. Sometimes I just don’t think I can stand it.”

I had to watch from the side while my mother learnt to deal with and process the death of her husband of almost 45 years. At the time of my father’s death, I couldn’t even comprehend how someone could start over after spending most of their adult life with another human being by their side. I think one of the best pieces of advice I got given after my dad died, came from a family member who said: “Don’t try to fill the void of your mother’s loneliness for her. Allow her to work through it. She will find the support she needs in friends. Don’t fall into being her caretaker ” I am not sure if I ever told my friend how valuable that piece of advice was for me. I learnt to let go of my own fears for my mother and her loneliness and as a result, my mother did manage to rebuild her life. In her last 8 years, she was happy and content and she made some truly wonderful friendships. My mum was able to build a new life for herself that included her daughter but wasn’t dependent on her.

A few months ago I got chatting with a beautiful, confident, wise beyond his years 15-year-old boy. We spoke about God, his life and all the plans and visions he had for his future. I was in awe at how perceptive and aware this kid was at such a young age. Right at the end of the conversation he just sighed and said: “I’m so lonely, I never feel like I can make friends my own age, no one gets me” It was so honest and so vulnerable that all I wanted to do was throw my arms around him and give him the biggest hug ever. I wasn’t surprised, in the least, that this child was struggling to connect with his peers….he had the heart, soul and depth of a 50-year-old man. At that point in time, I hadn’t yet articulated all my own thoughts and ideas about loneliness so I didn’t really know how to respond to him. But I wanted him to know that it was ok to be lonely. I tried my best to explain that no matter how bad his loneliness got, it would not last forever. It would only be a matter of time before he found his niche, his pack, his soul cluster, his tribe. I am not sure if I managed to convey all this to him….but what I came away with was a deep sense of appreciation for his ability to be vulnerable and honest about his feelings. I wasn’t worried about him in the least. In a world where so many teenagers (and adults) struggle to even articulate what they are feeling he was able to identify and communicate his deepest struggles. Even though he didn’t realise it he had mastered that the first step to solving any problem, is simply being aware of it and acknowledging it. Wow! It took me six years of therapy and 43 years of life for me to get that lesson. But he already had it.

So the whole time I have been writing this post my internal dialogue has been nagging me like a fishwife:

“Um Gayle, so what exactly is your MAIN point?”

(I have consciously and consistently ignored her.) I will admit I haven’t really got one. I think all I really wanted to do was shine a light on a very real topic that touches all of our lives in so many different ways. What I have learnt from my loneliness is that if I stop always trying to run away or escape from it then it can actually be such a healing place. It has been the only place where I have been able to come to terms with my inner self, with my flaws, my desires and my needs. Accepting my loneliness has helped me to tap into my true passion, writing. (And I last year I even started painting. I’m no Picasso, but I do love it😂 ) Embracing my solitude has made me more aware, sensitive and conscious of different people’s struggles and of the importance and value of connecting with others every single day. It may just be a random conversation with a stranger at the bus stop, a smile at a nervous, anxious-looking child, or a genuine compliment to another woman (who might just be in need a little uplifting) …..there are a thousand and one ways that we can connect to others every single day and maybe make their life (and ours) just little less lonely.

Let’s just pick one!🤗

Much Love

🐝🐝🐝