Approximate reading time: 8 min

It’s been an awesome week!;-)

My flatmate, Richard’s girlfriend came down to stay with him for a couple of days and she is as lovely as he is.

I ‘attempted‘ to make us chicken-rice soup but it kinda turned morphed into a risotto.

(I was trying to be all ‘Jamie -Oliver-like‘ and not use a recipe!)

It wasn’t that bad actually.

I invited a Spanish friend around to join us for dinner, who doesnt speak much English, and so most of our conversation had to be translated on Google Translate…. which was highly entertaining.

We ate

and we laughed.

(I honestly can’t remember the last time I laughed so much!)

Random Info:

I think it’s safe to say I am no longer a carnivore!

It was good while it lasted….

but I am beginning to enjoy vegetables.

In defence of my carnivorous diet I’d like to add that being a carnivore helped me realise that

a) I am gluten intolerant

b) like most humans in this day and age, I was addicted to sugar.

(When I quit smoking in 2019 I simply replaced my ‘destress cigarette’ with ‘destress doughnuts’!)

c) that I didn’t need to live with headaches, a gunged-up nose and an irritatingly annoying cough–

(that lasted for over a year)

d) and lastly that I had developed an appallingly unhealthy relationship with food for ummm…..the last 45-plus years or so…..

So, I would like it to be officially documented:

My fight with food has ended!

Granted I still have the odd sugar binge…

(I am a mere mortal after all….)

But they are few and far between these days…..

*****

It’s this weird feeling I have at the moment…..

um….

how to explain it….

content?

spacious?

connected?

grounded.

My calendar looks like a Christmas tree …..I am constantly running between all sorts of jobs…. interspersed with random periods of “Chillaxing!”

A far cry from where I was 2 years ago.

Hell, I almost forgot my therapy appointment this week…..

THAT has never, EVER happened before!

I have to admit I am not used to this feeling

(yet…..)

I still hear Neurotic angel…quietly chiding away in the background.

”Don’t get too comfortable ya hear!”

“Shouldn’t you be stressing about SOMETHING?”

Bless her

Neurotic Angel does what she does best…

she literally can’t help herself….

just because I love her,

doesnt mean I have to listen to her.

****

Last weekend I dog-sat for Coconut.

Usually, I do a meet-&-greet first before each new dog-sitting job just so that they get a chance to know me….unfortunately Coconut’s booking was pretty much a last-minute one so we kinda just got thrown together.

He seemed perfectly comfortable with me while ‘his humans’ were in the vicinity but no sooner than they left did the Spanish Inquisition begin.

Coconut was not happy!

No cuddles, no licking, lots of staring and pretty soon after this photo the howling began.

Shit.

Howling was a fairly new territory for me.

I decided to try and try and take him for a walk……let him see that I’m NOT the enemy!

Coconut took one look at me with the dog lead and ran for cover.

So no walk but at least the howling had stopped.

Until 3 am the next morning when it suddenly resumed.

…the next morning, however, Coconut seemed to forget that I was

PUBLIC ENEMY NO.1

and all was good….

(Isn’t he adorable:-)

While we are on the topic of dogs….

For the next 10 days, I am looking after gentle Colin, who is a Borzoi/Border Collie mix.

Colin is 15 years old, which in dog years means he is 105…..ancient!

As you can imagine he is a little rickety on his legs and he finds pee-ing and balancing a little bit tricky. The first time I dog-sat Colin I was quite surprised to see how excited he got to play ball with the next-door neighbour’s dog. It was so sweet to see him running and chasing the ball so energetically.

I remember thinking:

“Aaaah there is life in the old dog yet”

That is until we started walking back to his house and Colin’s legs completely gave way underneath him and he fell flat on his sweet little doggy face.

I nearly died.

I thought I had killed him!

So these days I need to keep reminding myself that he is a centenarian – because clearly, Colin forgets.

I started walking Dolly with Bailey when she was only a puppy and she absolutely adores Bailey. I wish I could say that Bailey’s feelings were mutual. But no, Bailey treats Dolly like an annoying little kid sister and is far too cool to associate with her at the best of times. On the odd occasion that she does maul play with Dolly, I invariably have to step in and rescue her, because quite frankly Bailey can be a little bit of a bully at times.

It pains me to admit this …..

my doggy child has a flaw!!!

………um……

Yes, I do realise I am still writing about dogs….

Maybe it’s a phase….?

maybe I will grow out of it….?

But dam, I can’t believe how much I love these creatures.

I am mystified as to how I possibly survived the last 20-odd years of my life without dogs.

Written 20th March 2021

I’ve been a pure carnivore

for two whole months

In the last week and a half

it’s all unravelled, undone

I was so very proud

I only ate one meal a day

My huge dinner at night

was perfectly okay.

I never felt hungry

(I wasn’t obsessing about food)

What a relief

not to pick and choose ….

Constantly analysing

what makes my body react

Is this healthy?

Will it make me fat?

Am I getting enough vitamins

or nutrients in my food?

Oh God its exhausting

How’d my thinking get so skewed?

So for two months now

Ive been free from that crap

Not constantly obsessing

about all of that…

A cup of bone marrow soup

has been my lunchtime meal

It filled the gap

it was a pretty good seal

But back to full-time teaching

(only half an hour for lunch)

So many jobs to be done

in that 30 min crunch

So, I grab what I can

in my stressed-out mood

(One thing this school’s not short of

is bloody junk food)

Then I walk home

the switch is turned on

I end up buying so much rubbish

(Good Lord the list is long.)

Doughnuts, cupcakes,

crisps galore

Like a hungry child

I’m always craving more

So I’ve had headaches again

the whole of last week

A migraine last night

as my body tries to speak…

What are my triggers?

What makes me overeat?

(Feeling addicted

to sugar is never a treat.)

But

I’m studying compassionate inquiry

now

(after all)

it’s teaching me to reassess things

rather than just being appalled

To simply be curious

and watch with care

those patterns of which

I am are so often unaware

When I binge eat it feels

like I’ve never been fed

I have no self-containment

or calmness in my head

And why the hell do I eat MORE

when my headaches start?

When I know it’s a sugar

that sends them off the chart?

It’s like I am a ninja assassin

secretly lying in wait

So sabotage my own life

make sure I don’t feel great

As I lay in agony late last night

2 ice packs on my head

turned off lights.

I ponded how Ive been headache free for 60 days.

So, what is it my body is trying to say?

“I’m exhausted,

I’m so tired

that’s why I overeat.

It’s simply a coping mechanism

and no longer a treat.”

I wake up at 5.30

so I can play with poetry

I rush home at 6pm

in a tremendous hurry.

For another two hours

I will type out my rhymes,

or do a little studying

if I have some time.

In bed by 9:30

exhausted as can be,

dreading that alarm

that goes at 5:30!

Online teaching on Saturdays

from 10 to 1….

Is it any wonder

I’m so drained

when all this is done?

For the rest of Saturday,

I sit painting pictures for my poems

(I really LOVE that so I’m not going to moan!)

Sunday grocery shopping

cleaning house

then studying for the rest of the day

(Sorry…. I feel like a grouse!)

Sunday night comes

I’m so ready to sleep

Prepare myself mentally

for the next week

It’s too much I feel depleted

something has to give

Why do I need to be busy

to feel like I live?

But it’s so hard taking a break,

I’m happy when I write

poetry for me is when my soul takes flight!

And I love my online kiddies,

I don’t want to let them go

There is nothing I love more

than watching them grow

But it is interesting as I think

that my mother was the same

A million and one things

on her spinning frame.

Even on holidays

it was impossible for her to relax.

She was continually doing “something”

to fill in all gaps.

Baking, quilting, coat hanger making

she was never idle, constantly emailing.

So, I guess this is a habit?

A habit learnt well.

Clearly I am 100%

my mother’s girl! 

So, I think maybe it’s time

for me to reconcile.

That part of me that is trying

to run the 7-minute mile

That part of me that always

needs to be on the go

I don’t have my own family

therefore,

I MUST ALWAYS SHOW.

That I use my time wisely

I’m always on track

Just because I’m childless

doesn’t mean that I slack!

And yet its funny when I talk

to my friends with kids

exactly the same feelings

just different grids

For them they don’t want to simply become

Someone defined as only a mum

So, they too stack their plates

never time for a rest

A walk in the park

a simple bath at best!

So, my anxiety simply got

away from me this week

There are definitely things

I am going to have to tweak

I’m not sure what they are

(I’ll figure them out!)

I’ll make my peace with food

I have little doubt.

Sometimes all we need

is awareness of the glitch,

for us to backtrack

simply pick up the stitch