Approximate reading time: 2 minutes

Written 5th of June 2021

My birthday celebration

 a weekend away

A riverside cabin

and all I feel is grey

.

Enveloped in sadness

 all I want to do is cry

I am sitting here wondering

Why, fucking why?

Why do holidays always

 trigger so much grief

What is the hidden

unconscious belief?

******

I have memories

so many memories

of holidays through the years

That routinely start

With disconnection and tears

Thailand, Mexico, Turkey and Italy

are few of the memories

 not lost to me

Feeling isolated

 alone

so far away

Disconnected from everything

that makes me feel okay

*****

Recognition I hated

holidays growing up as a kid

They seemed to amp up my mum’s anger

No matter what we did

I mean I’m sure we did fun stuff

I know my parents tried their best

But all I seem to remember

is my mum’s feelings of unrest

Something about holidays

brought out the worst in my mum

She could never seem to relax

Let go and have fun

So, I built up this fairy-tale

 image in my head

of what holiday ‘should’ actually

feel like instead

******

Happy families

 a mum and a dad in love

Crazy adventures

doing exciting stuff

Perhaps it’s this illusory mirage

that subconsciously emerges at the start

that taunts me and sends

my emotions off the chart

In the past, I was never really

conscious of what’s going on.

 So, I’d hide myself away

 until the sadness was gone

 Then just as suddenly

the overwhelm would dissipate and pass

Walaa it’s a miracle

my real holiday could start

So I’ll take a deep breath

Remind myself I’m ok

Forgive my child parts

Who suddenly want to come out and play

I’ll remind them they are safe

Allow them to process all they feel