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Feeling more myself these days I decided to be brave and try out a speed dating event in London last weekend. Seeing as I technically still have no ‘single’ friends in London I also thought it would also be a good way to be proactive and hopefully do a little bit of networking. So in honour of this auspicious occasion, I decided to treat myself to a new top. Am mildly embarrassed to admit I have been wearing the same one out on all my dates for umm…about three months now. Definitely one of the perks of moving to a new country where you know practically no one ….you can re-wear ‘that’ shirt that makes you feel awesome…again and again and again. (Which this creature of habit has done!) But NO, now it’s time to shake things up a bit!! I also bought hair dye (Last time I checked greying roots are not particularly sexy) and planned on going for my monthly facial.

And then just as a bonus treat (Because I am worth it😉) I also bought myself one of those invisible strapless push-up bra and a cheap strapless bra to hold it up – (should it not work!)
By the time I finished my shopping I had one hang of a headache (funny how my headaches always seem to arrive on the days that I actually have plans? What’s up with that universe?) So headed off to the beauty shop to apologise that I won’t be able to make it as I just needed to get home and try sleep it off. Instead of being irritated with me for cancelling my session at such short notice my very sweet beautician lady offers to give me a head massage – free of charge. I have to say one thing that seems to happen quite a lot in London – random acts of kindness that always just melt my heart. (FYI- Have a sneaky feeling that they do indeed happen all around the world😉…think I might just be better at noticing them here). During my first week in London discovered I had left my wallet at home while ordering my regular chai latte at Starbucks. The girl behind the counter continued to make my order even after I had asked her to cancel it. When I stressed again that I didn’t have my wallet she simply smiled and said: “It’s on the house”. Or how about the two massive, muscle-clad, gangster-lookalike boys I saw helping a tiny little old lady off the bus? When they had got her and her suitcase off they then offered to carry her stuff to the tube station for her. Watching these huge men walking patiently at a snail’s pace with her all the way to the tube was just too sweet for words. I don’t think people realise how much these small acts of thoughtfulness or generosity can just absolutely make someone’s day and somehow just make the world seem a little less lonely.

Anyway, so after my amazing free Indian head massage I headed home to try to have a sleep and rein in my headache a little bit. Unfortunately, my very unfriendly flatmate who seems to think smiling, greeting or even acknowledging your existence are all below her, was moving out so there was way too much noise to sleep. (Silent prayer: “Thank you, God – now please, please send someone who knows how to say “Good morning”) Moved on to plan B and started dying my hair. As I begin to apply the colour I am HORRIFIED to see that it is BRIGHT, putrid orange. I know that hair dye is often a different colour when you apply it….but I do believe that I actually heard a voice say: “Don’t DO IT!!!!!” (I am learning to listen to that little voice these days.) So I washed it off quickly. Showered and put on my brand new top, only to discover the top actually has a hole in it that I hadn’t noticed. (Damn will have to return it!) Oh well, at least I have new bra….approximately 15-minute later…bra falls off. (That’s what happens when you don’t buy Victoria Secret)

Aha!!! But never fear I was prepared….and promptly put the cheap strapless bra over absolutely useless (non) sticky bra! Look in the mirror only to realise that my boobs now look like two squashed tomatoes hanging mid-way down my chest. This is not the look I was going for, (Dammit, Dammit, Damit!)

I am forced to leave the house in an old shirt, old bra and grey roots. This was not the plan. (I somehow managed to waste £34 on absolutely nothing. ) I do suspect the universe is in the process of trying to teach me a lesson ….something along the lines of “Just be happy as you are!” (Ok, ok noted universe! But I’m not quite ready for that universal truth just yet.)

Buuuuut the good news is I am still in high spirits…nothing is going to dampen my mood. Uhhhhuummm…..I arrive at speed dating which is for ages 35-55 and I am slightly mortified. I walk into the room and feel like most of the men look well over 55. (Stay calm, stay calm. Breathe. Act natural.) But f*ck I have to walk into a room full of people and then just go make random chit-chat with complete strangers. How did I think this would be fun? I don’t even have a WING woman.😥 My inner dialogue is rampant. “I‘m not good at this….“I don’t do small talk” (Do you see why I like the sanctity of my computer?)

So I run off to the toilet to compose myself. (Mind over matter. Mind over matter!!)
I send my friend Rachel a message just to remind her that …..”I AM confident. I talk to strangers with ease and I AM brave and courageous!!!!”

She responds: You are! You are! (Good, I’m glad she hasn’t forgotten!)
“And don’t forget you’re funny too!” Um …Noted. (That’s of course if you find a neurotic, self-deprecating, sometimes sarcastic, verbal diarrhoea-like type of sense of humour funny?) Remind myself that I am in England where humour is often defined by sarcasm, irony and self-deprecation. You will be fine! (PS I love the British!)

Deeeeeeeep breath!!!!!!!!

I’m not sure it helped that I have recently decided to give up drinking alcohol. It’s no big feat for me really…I have drunk less and less over the last couple of years and I kind of feel like I usually have more fun and more energy without the “Dutch courage” of alcohol. (But hell at this point in time I feel like I could use a double brandy!) Unfortunately, I didn’t realise I had to be there early to sign up for the speed dating part of the event so it’s all fully booked up. This means I will have to practice circulating the room oozing calmness and composure. “F*ck!” Luckily the party was a lock and key party as well, which meant all the women have locks to hang around their necks and the men have keys. The idea is you are supposed to walk up to people and jam the key in the lock to see if it works. (Umm…nothing sexual about that😳) If you find your matching lock or key then you get a prize….rumour was that the price was a trip to the Bahamas or a free drink. (I’m going to guess it would be the latter.)Needless to say, I didn’t win my trip to the Bahama’s. I did manage to chat with a couple of guys, some of whom were a little too drunk and a little bit too much in my space.

I am not a big fan of space guzzlers. If I can smell your breath…then you are in my space. (For the record – being a space guzzler is not cool- not cool at all!) I found myself stepping backwards on numerous occasions just so that I could breathe. Unfortunately, most space guzzlers have no idea that they are space guzzling and are always eager to close the gap again. (After a while it begins to feel like a dance.🙄)

(What are the odds that 89% of space guzzlers always seem to have bad breath? There must be some scientific research on that somewhere- I will have to google it!) But despite that one little issue most of the men seemed sweet and harmless and I began to ease into things a bit. One guy Jo, who looked about 45, 50, 55, was admittedly pretty funny. (He had that whole self-deprecating, dead-pan thing mastered) He commented that I had “come to bed eyes” and that I seemed considerably more intelligent than I looked. Ummm always nice to get a compliment…thanks, Jo. (I think). He also asked me if I was always this ‘shy’. (Internal dialogue: SHY? SHY? I’m NOT shy, I’m SOBER and wing-woman-less damn-it- all!) But that said it was an interesting observation as to how I come across in large social settings sometimes. I’ll admit it’s not the first time I have heard a comment like that. I once had a work colleague comment on a night out that I always seem to look like I think I’m better than everyone else. In his defence he wasn’t trying to be unkind, it was more like an afterthought that just spewed out of his mouth after we had just had a pretty cool chat. (His absolute shock at realizing that contrary to his initial judgment of me I was actually a nice person.) Duh! Nevertheless, his feedback was actually appreciated….to quote Bill Gates “we all need feedback because that is how we improve”. Made mental note: Don’t look like a snob at future events. 👍

That being said one thing I have learnt about myself these last few years is that I am definitely more a one-to-one person. Throw me in a large group setting with relative strangers and expect me to chat away freely with everyone else listening and I will invariably freeze up and flip into my introverted side. (Unless of course, I am drunk – drunk Gayle has no problem speaking up. Drunk Gayle is always an extrovert). So these last couple of years I have slowly started getting more ‘emotionally healthy‘ I began to steer clear of huge social events that would likely throw the array of varied voices in my head into a blind panic. My life has just been pretty happy (and quiet) hanging out with my close friends and having great meals and stimulating conversations. That is until all my close friends decided to up and leave Port Elizabeth (essentially abandoning me) and forcing me to man up and face my anxiety issues head-on (Damn them!😨). In essence that is how I now ended up in a room full of strangers attempting to make conversation (without drunk Gayle as a backup). I’m not going to lie- it was nerve-wracking as hell. Sans a wing-woman whom you can float back to after a non-successful interaction, you are forced to wander around the room looking suspiciously like you are scanning for your next victim.

At one point I escaped to the bathroom with the intention of messaging my long-distance wing-women, Layla or Rachel. Was ready to engage them with funny stories about smelly breath and 65+ Greek man who seemed very keen to talk about his plans of buying a house in Cape Town, South Africa. It was then that I heard my little voice again. It simply said: “Stop!” I had a very clear awareness that my biggest defence mechanism when I am feeling scared, vulnerable or uncomfortable is hiding behind my sense of humour and ‘hooking’ into my friends. Nothing wrong with making my friends laugh…but there is a time and a place…and right now I was here to connect with new people. Simply, I didn’t want negative thoughts or perceptions of my night to overrun me and pull me into a low-vibe way of thinking. So I gave myself a pep talk, put away my phone and headed back into the bar. I tried to spend at least 10 minutes with most of the men I chatted to while continually reminding myself that we are all in the same boat and essentially we are all looking for the same thing, at the least, an enjoyable night out.

At around 8.30 pm I gravitated towards the bar and started chatting to two guys that were standing there. Ok, I hate to say this…but I am a little bit “short-ist.” Being almost 6 foot myself, my radar often seems to miss over guys who are shorter than me. (I’m not saying I am proud of it…in fact, I think it’s pretty f*cking awful of me.) But it’s my own insecurity – nothing else. I hate feeling like I am towering over anyone. (That being said I have dated a couple of men who are shorter than me so clearly I can’t be that bad?) Anyway, so I start chatting with these guys and before I know it I actually found myself really enjoying the conversation. Neither of them seemed to be space guzzlers. (I congratulated them on this👍) The one guy was pretty funny and he had a really lovely face with a gorgeous smile. He asked me if I had brought a tape measure to measure the amount of space I needed. (Cute! He got my sense of humour) I pulled up a chair. He joked that it was so I could even the playing field a bit. (Wise and observant!) We chatted so easily about everything it was a little scary. About 2 hours later he asked me if I wanted to go and get something to eat. (A man of action!) We found a Turkish restaurant and the conversation continued. (We didn’t chat about the weather once!!) We chatted about life, our mistakes and what we had learnt from them (A man of awareness and growth). Before I knew it…it was 12 o’clock. Dam, where did the time go? We headed off to catch the tube but before we left he actually walked over to our waiter to shake his hand and thanked him for the service- (Ahh kindness – always a turn on!) (As I said, at the beginning, its those small gestures and thoughts that make the world a better place.)

Now to circumvent all my friends getting all mushy and excited for me (while letting out a huge sigh of relief! “Thank God finally!!!!”) Let me just say I don’t think that we are going to be anything more than friends. (Sad but true.😥) I was a little shocked to find out that he was 56 years old. (He doesn’t look a day older than 45). With 4 grown-up kids, he made it very clear right from the beginning that he was not planning on having any more children. (Direct and honest). I, however, made it clear that one way or another I was still planning on having them. So we agreed to a stalemate and that we would meet up again as friends. He did message me last week about going out this week but I’ll be honest something in my gut says it is not going to happen. Sometimes, I think, the universe just sends you certain people at certain times in your life to remind you to keep the faith. He was that wonderful reminder. So I had an awesome night out and met a kind, self-aware, intelligent man who kept me laughing. A man who honestly, I would never, ever have connected with on online dating. (Too old. Doesn’t want kids).

And finally my synopsis!! (Rest assured: I always have a point! ) One of London’s top Hypnotherapy therapists is a woman called Marrissa Peers who I have listened to on a regular basis for the last year or so. (She is another one of the reasons I am actually in London….but that’s my next post!🤗) Most of her work is based on the premise that our minds are wired to reject the unfamiliar and return to the familiar. She explains how, if what is familiar to you is feeling uncomfortable in public, not believing in yourself, hating public speaking etc then you need to start making it unfamiliar. We do this by becoming more aware of the language that we use on a daily basis. According to her, every thought we think and every word we say becomes a blueprint and then our minds go to work making that blueprint real. So for example, if I continually allow myself to say “I am not comfortable in large social settings” ” I am embarrassed to go out by myself” My mind will simply follow that blueprint and make that my reality. Marisa believes that a fundamental aspect of accelerating our growth and helping us achieve our goals is simply learning to change the language that we use about ourselves and learning to understand the meaning that we attach to the language. It is essentially more than just saying affirmations…. it’s about really beginning to think about the words we use on a day-to-day basis. Our brains really do just believe and react accordingly to what we tell it. By becoming more conscious of our words we will slowly start changing our negative stories. We can also start to become our own cheerleaders.
So keeping all of this in mind I have decided to reframe the negative blueprint that I have hidden behind for the last 20 years, or so, about large social gatherings and going out by myself. As awkward and as uncomfortable as going to these events can be wouldn’t it be amazing if I somehow expanded my belief and began to make these types of interactions more familiar? What if I could train my brain into believing that I AM confident in large groups of people, that I do talk to strangers with ease and that I AM brave and courageous! (Not just when I’m writing)

I think that would be pretty cool….so I’m up for the challenge.

Lots of Love

😍💘💥❤

FYI I went to watch a comedy show by myself on Saturday and I have another speed dating event tonight!