(Reading time is approximately 15 minutes)
I have to admit I have had a pretty amazing couple of weeks. In an attempt to conquer my
(often hidden)
anxiety of attending large social events, I have successfully attended three organised dating nights, some super weird woo-woo spiritual group and a “freebie” course claiming to teach me some awesome online marketing skills!
(That would hopefully boost my blogging space out of its “nappy” stage)
It amazes me how I always seem to go to the latter types of events with such renewed vigour and hope that people might genuinely want to help humanity and not just be angling to sell me their product.
(At half price of course… BUT FOR THIS DAY ONLY! You are most definitely not allowed to, at any time, go away and think about it first or decide if they are even the right company for you.)
Oh, AAAANND let’s not forget that for only 1.17% of the original 17000-pound course price you can bring two friends along. How cool is that?
(Amazing, I tell you🙄)
LESSON LEARNED: I will more than happily pay a company to help me with my online marketing as long as they don’t use hard sales tactics to try and coerce me into a decision.
So my second dating mixer evening was on a Friday night, and the venue was pretty small. I arrived there to see only a handful of people sitting at various tables. Luckily, I didn’t have to wait long before I caught the eye of a rather awkward-looking guy at the end of the bar, and I walked over to say hi. I have to say I am always so impressed by how so many “severely introverted people” actually step out of their comfort zone to go and try these types of things.
(A true testament to how powerful the desire for connection can be).
As far as confidence levels go, this man made me feel like Oprah. Although he was a very sweet guy… the conversation went a little downhill after I asked him his age. His discomfort at being asked this question was palpable. He commented that he wasn’t comfortable answering such personal questions about himself.
(Um, your age? )
Was tempted to ask him when the last time he got laid was. – but I restrained myself.
(I am essentially a good person at heart)
Needless to say, we were clearly not destined for love I fear he probably would have had a coronary had he seen what I put in my blog posts.😉 Luckily for us both, the room started filling up, and we were soon joined by 6 new socially awkward people. I have to admit, at one point I almost couldn’t stop giggling. Absolutely NO ONE does “bumbling” and “embarrassed” as well as the Brits do. I had this weird feeling standing there watching all these awkward conversations going on and realising with absolute clarity that I am not the only one who finds a room full of new people a little daunting at first. It was such a relief.
(Damn, I love the British.)
After about 30 minutes, I bumped into a really lovely South African woman, Rosemarie, and we sat down to chat. It was one of those weird connections when you find out another person has so many similarities to you; it’s just uncanny.
(Silent prayer of gratitude: I do believe I found my first new single friend in London).
Honestly, from that point on, I literally had the best night out ever. Rosemarie and I didn’t move the entire night. We sat at the same table chatting and laughing, and people simply came to us. By the end of the night, there were about 6 of us just laughing at anything
(and everything)
like we had all been friends for years. I honestly can’t remember the last time I laughed that much. It was one of those truly amazing nights that you know will always just stick with you. Around 12 pm, we ended up going to an ’80s and 90’s club. (Ahh, the good old days….which I missed completely because I was a paranoid wreck that refused to dance until I was ….um 18 years old …and drunk!) The best part of the night was when the Almost-toothless-geriatric- bouncer asked Rosemarie and me for our IDs. I wanted to throw my arms around him and kiss him.
(We both just packed out laughing.)
Me: “You aren’t really being serious, are you???”
Almost-toothless geriatric bouncer winks at us and passes us through.
(His attempt at a joke, I suppose?)
So I was on the dance floor, dancing (completely sober) when it suddenly hit me: “I hadn’t had a neurotic, paranoid thought the entire bloody night!”
LESSON LEARNED: I truly don’t need alcohol to enjoy a night out, and It’s actually not that scary making new friends.
So I had so much fun on Friday night that I decided to book another event on Saturday. This time it was a massive singles party with around 250 people. It was literally like walking into a singles-only pub.
(Absolute Heaven)
Once again I met another really awesome girl called Ozi, who was over from America, on holiday for a week. I met her in the toilet and as soon as we found out we were both there alone we ‘adopted’ each other.
(Once again I had a wing woman.)
So we were working our way through the crowd when who should I see but Graham, the guy I had met at my first speed dating event a few weeks ago.
(I wrote about him in my previous post: He was the 56-year-old whom I had spent most of my night chatting to and who then took me out for a meal afterwards.) So I walk over to say hi, and he looks genuinely pleased to see me. We chat about life for a while, and then I decide to be brave and address the small elephant in the room.)
Me: “Hey Graham, Ummm weren’t we supposed to have a date this weekend?”
(Not said aggressively at all- promise!)
Graham: (Look of absolute bewilderment) “Eh?”
Me: ” You know, you messaged me last week and asked me if I would like to meet up this week and I said yes I would LOVE to.”
Graham: (Light dawning) “Oh yeah …. it’s your school holiday now. We said we would message. “
(Internal dialogue: Um…no Graham: You said “we” would message……I remember wondering what the hell that even mean?)
Graham: But you friend zoned me!!
(Note the ever-so-subtle switch around to blame.)
Internal dialogue: Um ok? I do believe your exact words were: “So you still want kids? Then I’m definitely not the guy for you” But besides that, you essentially then still asked me out on a date and I said “yes” So why am I feeling a little confused?
After that, we chatted a little bit more, but then I felt it was time for me and my wing-woman to keep moving. Graham and I bumped into each other again a couple of times that night; I was always chatty and friendly towards him, and I sensed that he was genuinely interested in talking to me some more.
And I mean, why not? We had, after all, had an absolutely awesome evening together two weeks ago.
Honestly, I just had absolutely no desire to even go there.
What suddenly dawned on me with such looming clarity was that I have been here before … oh so, so, so many times before. I can’t count the number of times this hopeless romantic has fallen for this scenario: You know when you meet ‘that guy that you just instantly feel a connection with ‘? He laughs at your jokes, he thinks you are hilarious, and he makes you feel like you are “the most amazing” person on this planet. He is insightful and deep, and you feel like you have so much in common that it’s scary. You come away thinking: “Wow!” He says something sweet like “You are so awesome we really must meet up!”. You think “Woohoooo yes!!”
(But oddly he never actually takes your number.)
You feel slightly perplexed; maybe he is just shy? The next time you bump into him, you feel like you have won the lottery. (You definitely didn’t imagine that spark!) You chat about life…could he be more perfect? This time he takes your number. You are grateful you were patient.
(He obviously wasn’t ready the first time around).
Alas, he never calls. Yet again you are mystified? Perhaps he is truly shyer than you initially thought…I mean, he took your number, right?
He must really like you!!)
So then, maybe you decide to be brave and woman up. Maybe you message him.
(He never messages back)
Maybe you send him an email.
(He takes two weeks to respond back to you…he has been busy.)
Or maybe if you are only 16 years old, brimming with determination and idealistic feminism, you actually decide to pick up the phone and call him.
(Oh the sheer mortification when he barely even wants to speak to you.)
You feel embarrassed and highly, highly shamed. But it’s ok….you will get over it and at least now you know once and for all. You were brave. You took the bull by the horns. Plenty of fish in the sea. Moving on.
A few weeks later, you bump into him on another night out.
(Why is he always turning up everywhere?)
And he couldn’t be happier to see you. Hell, it’s like you were never apart; he actually looks like he has missed you!!!! You laugh, you joke….you convince yourself that maybe you were wrong? You even have friends
(and complete strangers)
coming up to you telling you how clearly crazy he appears to be about you. It’s so obvious! AAAAAhhhh validation that you aren’t making this all up.” This time he will call……surprise, surprise he does not.
This has unfortunately been an ongoing cycle in my life
(starting with my first love at 15).
Damn, I wish “He is just not that into you ” had been written way back then – I probably would have saved myself a lot of heartache and angst. Evan Markaz is an American dating coach whose blog I have read for a good couple of years now. Over and over he has stressed this basic dating principle. Don’t listen to a man’s words; watch his actions. If he is interested in you, he will make the effort to contact you and to spend time with you. It really couldn’t be any easier than that.
Please note that I get that there are two different schools of thought on this in the dating world. There are a whole host of women out there that take great joy in simply asking men out first. Equally, there are just as many men that are more than happy for the woman to take the lead, in fact, they find it a refreshing change from the norm, and they love it! More power to them all!! The biggest part of MY dating journey has been figuring out what camp I fit into. What feels good and right for me? I feel like I have spent years attempting to initiate and make the first move in many relationships. Waiting around to see if a guy was interested in me seemed absolutely ludicrous. I have always considered myself a strong, independent woman! What any man can do…I can do just as well. But the fact of the matter is this hasn’t worked for me. I absolutely 100% agree with Evan when he says:
“Most women don’t have the fortitude to really trust that a guy WILL make the effort for them, so you try to manipulate it subtly”. I think my greatest lesson has been to learn to let go of control and to actually have faith that the right person for me will be brave enough to initiate. To simply have faith that the universe has my back and I don’t need to do ANYTHING other than be myself and be happy. Trust me, this line of thinking is not something that comes naturally to me AT ALL …frankly, I like holding the reins. It would have been the absolute easiest thing in the world for me, on that Saturday, to laugh off Graham’s reasons for not following up on our date and simply go ahead and reschedule our date on my terms. But I chose not to go down that road again. I’m flattered Graham still seemed keen to chat and hang out with me that night. I would, however, have been more flattered had he actually remembered our date in the first place and decided I was worth not forgetting about. And let’s face it, the man was at another speed dating event when he could have had a date with MWA! – so maybe that was a VERY clear sign that he hadn’t yet found what he was looking for. Maybe I should just respect his right to make that decision for himself and not take it personally. I must admit I feel a little empowered. With age comes clarity, a smidgen of wisdom and a long overdue sense of self-worth. I feel like at the glorious age of 43 I am finally starting to feel like a functional human being and I have to say it feels pretty incredible. 😁
For the record, I still think most of my “You’re FaBuLouS (right now)” men are still pretty phenomenal human beings. I also have no doubt that they enjoyed my company and always had fun when they saw me. For whatever reason, they just couldn’t see anything long-term with me. That’s really ok.
(I am an acquired taste – like fried grasshopper;-)
I was simply their “Fabulous right now” girl who decided to give them way more power than they ever, ever asked for.
MOST VALUABLE LESSON LEARNED: Not doing that anymore…I am going to keep my power, know that I am enough, and wait for my ‘fabulous forever” guy…..he is out there, and he is brave!!!!
Girl Power!
With Love
Gayle
