I just have to say, today was AMAZING!!

I had my first day of online lectures for my master’s course in Attachment Theory and…

I’m not going to go too much into the logistics of it all…cause I am a little too excited to even be sitting down and writing at the moment…..but I just wanted to share my joy:-)

I found it interesting that yesterday I wrote about my first Compassionate Inquiry Online session and how hypervigilant and anxious I was. Today, however, couldn’t have been any MORE different. I was sooooo chilled, relaxed and safe in my skin!

I most certainly wasnt obsessing about uncovering all the hidden Narks in the world! 🙂

So I think that’s definitely a step in the right direction.

Hell, I just read through my next poem below and it almost makes me smile how far away from that person I am.

(At this moment!!

Yesterday God got a very angry poem from me…

Sorry GOD, I didnt mean it!!!)

So as much as I was tempted to delete it and BANISH sad, depressing Gayle to the bottom of my wardrobe …. I did make a promise to myself that I wouldn’t do that!

Maybe it’s just a nice contrast between then and now!!

A lovely reminder that things can always get better.

Written 10th February 2021

Nowhere to hide

Fear, anger, rage and dread.

The alarm goes off, I am nailed to my bed.

No strength to get up and face the day

I wish I could curl up and hide away.

Judgment and blame loom overhead.

Internal criticisms are so hard to shed.

My persecutor stares, eyes of steel.

“You shouldn’t be such a victim,

to how you always feel!

They’re just emotions,

separate from you.

Just because you feel them,

doesn’t make them true!

They are learned patterns,

that have helped you to survive.

When you feel this vulnerable,

you know you need to hide.

I know! I know!

I know all of this!!!

But when anxiety hits,

It’s so hard to dismiss.

My head’s so full of emotional static.

why do I always feel so idiosyncratic?

I’m scared, no scratch that, I’m petrified,

of needing to let new people inside.

I know my tendency to always overshare,

to emotionally vomit when I go there.

All it ever does is leave me feeling bad.

Filled with shame and so innately sad.

So, I guess all I can do is say a small prayer,

God put me with people who will tread gently there.

Please give me the strength right from the start

to be conscious enough to protect my heart.