I just have to say, today was AMAZING!!
I had my first day of online lectures for my master’s course in Attachment Theory and…
I’m not going to go too much into the logistics of it all…cause I am a little too excited to even be sitting down and writing at the moment…..but I just wanted to share my joy:-)
I found it interesting that yesterday I wrote about my first Compassionate Inquiry Online session and how hypervigilant and anxious I was. Today, however, couldn’t have been any MORE different. I was sooooo chilled, relaxed and safe in my skin!
I most certainly wasnt obsessing about uncovering all the hidden Narks in the world! 🙂
So I think that’s definitely a step in the right direction.
Hell, I just read through my next poem below, and it almost makes me smile how far away from that person I am.
(At this moment!!
Yesterday God got a very angry poem from me…
Sorry GOD, I didn’t mean it!!!)
So as much as I was tempted to delete it and BANISH sad, depressing Gayle to the bottom of my wardrobe …. I did make a promise to myself that I wouldn’t do that!
Maybe it’s just a nice contrast between then and now!!
A lovely reminder that things can always get better.
Written 10th February 2021
Nowhere to hide
Fear, anger
Rage and dread
The alarm goes off
I’m nailed to my bed
No strength to get up
No strength to face the day
I wish I could curl up
Could I just hide away
Judgment and blame
Loom overhead
Internal criticisms
That are so hard to shed
My persecutor stares
Eyes of steel
“You shouldn’t be such a victim
To how you always feel
They’re just emotions,
Separate from you.
Just because you feel them
Doesn’t make them true
They are learned patterns
That have helped you to survive
When you feel this vulnerable,
You know you need to hide.
I know! I know!
I know all of this!!!
But when anxiety hits
It’s so hard to dismiss
My head’s so full
Of emotional static
Why do I always feel
So idiosyncratic
I’m scared, no scratch that
I’m petrified
Of needing to let
New people inside
I know my tendency
To always overshare
To emotionally vomit
When I go there
All it ever does
Is leave me feeling bad
Filled with shame
And so innately sad
So, I guess all I can do
Is say a small prayer
God, lead me to people
Who will tread gently there
Please give me the strength
Right from the start
To be conscious enough
To protect my heart