Approximate reading: time 8 min
Written : 18th November 2021
Today I’m beaming
(With absolute pride)
I’m adulting
I’m learning
To take things in my stride
I taught year three
At my new favourite school
In a class that absolutely
Loves to tomfool
My voice is gone
From speaking so much
(Clearly they thought
I’d be a soft touch)
The little buggers got it wrong
(They learnt the hard way)
They picked the wrong supply teacher
To mess with today
Half of their PE lesson
Spent practicing lining up
I can’t remember the last time
I had a class talk so much
But as always there is just
That small handful
Who seem incapable of listening
Of not playing the fool
It didn’t help the work left
Wasn’t differentiated at all
And even the top-ability
Seemed to completely hit a wall
When you have 30 kids struggling
To simply understand
It’s no surprise their behaviour
Will bomb and crash land
I called a child, Kyle
To come sit next to me
Because of his rampant inability
To “silently” read
I asked him to read
His chosen book to me out loud
Shame oozed out of Kyle
Like a mushroom cloud
As he stared at the page blankly
I wasn’t the least surprised
The same thing happens
Time after time
Almost like clockwork
It’s usually a guarantee
The naughtiest so often struggle
With learning difficulties
I asked him to go and find
A book he could easily read
He came back to my desk
Rather sheepishly
With a book that was probably
More suited to year one
My heart broke for Kyle
Struggling to keep up is never fun
So, I googled the statistics
I wanted to know
I found a study by Herrington*
That incidentally shows…
60% of UK Prisoners
Have the reading ability
Of 5 years or less
(This I can believe)
Because when children are drowning
In work they don’t understand
It’s not hard to imagine
The damaged done first hand
It breaks their spirit
It desolates their self-esteem
They distract and grab attention
By any other means
And when teachers are expected
To teach so many kids
It’s these ones that slip
‘Loudly’ through the grid
Because without enough support
Without extra hands
Without having adults
Who truly understand
When the connection sadly
Is simply not made
This is the reason
These kids misbehave
******
I arrived after lunch
To pick my class up
In time to witness the tail end
Of an almighty bust-up
A teaching assistant was screaming
Her head off at Kyle
Ranting and raving
(I could almost taste her bile)
He had this zoned-out look
As he stared into space
Translating: “Fuck you bitch
Get out of my face”
The more nonchalant he acted
The louder she yelled
Truly she looked like
Cruella Devil
But what amazed me so
What felt so surreal
I wasn’t triggered or overwhelmed
By how “I feel”
I didn’t feel angry
Or want to go on the attack
I didn’t feel like I had to jump in
And save this kid’s back
I didn’t feel the weight of the world
That I had to make this all right
I didn’t feel like it was my job
To defend and to fight
I felt calm
I felt relaxed
I felt relatively at ease
This person’s rage
Had nothing to do with me
And yes while it’s sad
That this still goes on
It still wasn’t personal
Or even my problem
Because I know in my heart
And in my head
The only way I can help
Is to be calm instead
And although I’ve known this fact
For so many years
I’ve never been quite able
To make the calm appear
But this time I stood quietly
I tapped her gently on the arm
I listened as she ranted
I watched her slowly calm down
Her frustrations heard
She exhaled and relaxed a bit
And it was in that split second
I think I finally got it…
This is her trauma
This is her shit
All I could do was have compassion
And quietly witness it
*********
And I spoke to Kyle in class
We had a good chat
I heard his frustrations too
At being screamed at like that
A lost, scared child
Who pretends he doesn’t care
With his bravado defence mechanism
Masking hopelessness and despair
*******
So although today was a little
Emotionally tough
I stayed grounded and centred
I actually felt enough
I didn’t take on all their pain
Wrap it around me
Like a cloak
I didn’t feel like I was suffocating
In all the second-hand rage smoke
And it made me grateful
For how much healing I’ve done
That I didn’t react
From all the feelings
Of my own inner hurt ones
That my own inner children
Felt secure and contained
Not controlled by my old triggers
Calm and refrained
*Herrington, Victoria & Hunter, Gillian & Harvey, Sue. (2005). meeting the healthcare needs of offenders with learning disabilities. Learning Disability Practice. 8. 28-32. 10.7748/ldp2005.05.8.4.28.c1621.