Approximate reading time: 7 min

I am back.

I am sorry I took a brief and much-needed hiatus.

I have officially finished my online dating challenge.

Number of men messaged: 75

Number of first dates: 4 (+ 2 zoom dates)

Number of second dates: 3

I wish I could tell you that it all paid off and was worth it,

I met the love of my life and we will be living happily ever after.

Unfortunately, this is real life.

Let’s see how I did.

Mmmm it’s a pass….but I have concluded that it is virtually impossible for me not to take things personally.

I found myself slipping back into a pretty deep hopelessness funk these last two weeks. When I am in that space it’s hard to untangle everything in my mind.

At the forefront of it all is always my grief about not having children.

I have written extensively about this….it never seems to completely dissipate.

(It comes back in tsunami-like waves)

Most days are better than others, but it’s always there….this sadness that you are not supposed to talk about because let’s face it…as a single woman you get to sleep in and have so much free time.

(What’s not to love?)

Normally when I online date I always check the “Wants kids” box when looking for a potential partner but this time around I tried to be more open to guys who don’t want kids or who already have kids.

But if I am honest it felt a little soul-destroying, like I was betraying my innermost desires simply because I don’t want to end up alone.

I am going to be 49 in one month and yes, I still dream of having children.

I wish I could let it go.

I wish I could just make peace with my path.

I honestly don’t know how to.

(Maybe in ten years, I will be able to write a post about how I have managed to process all of this childless grief….but I am not there yet.)

I am grateful for the handful of friends who allow me the space to cry and grieve during these periods.

Even though there is nothing they can do.

Even though there is nothing they can say.

I read an article the other day by a childless woman who so beautifully described the pain of childless grief and then ended the article off with how she had just booked a 6-week holiday to Europe.

I wanted to scream in utter frustration.

Could you please not play into the conventional stereotype that us childless people are all jet-setting around the world living our best lives.

Most of us are not.

We are just living our day-to-day lives like everyone else.

A holiday is indeed a wonderful distraction,

but it most certainly doesnt take the pain away.

And what about those millions of women out there who don’t have the financial means to just pack life in and go travelling for 6-weeks….?

(Some of us have student loans to pay off!)

I apologise it hit a nerve!

I think, maybe, I need a 6-week holiday in Europe.

Of course, it hasn’t helped that my assignment for the last 3 months has been reading endless transcripts of parent interviews about their relationships with their kids.

The healthy, happy, sensitive parents make me so envious I can’t see straight.

The controlling/unresponsive “at risk” parents make me want to cry.

(Please can someone remind me why, as a childless woman, I decided to do a master’s on a topic that revolves solely around babies and mothers?)

My defence tactic has been avoidance and zoning out in numerous Netfix series because frankly, I would rather not hear about other people’s relationships with their kids, good or bad.

On Saturday I had a second date with a lovely Italian man, Lorenzo, whom I met last weekend.

It’s amazing how much clarity you can glean when you just let people talk.

I listened in horror as Lorenzo started speaking about how he can’t bear it when people feel sorry for themselves.

He joked that he wished they would create an AI watch that would give you an electric shock every time you started feeling sorry for yourself.

I had excruciating visions.

Frankly, I am never going to be the glass-half-full girl….

and the person I end up with is going to have to love me despite of that.

Unfortunately, these days, all I hear when I hear people say things like this is:

“As a child, I had a shame-based parent who never allowed me to express my negative emotions and frustrations. As a result, it really annoys the shit out of me when other people express theirs.

Why don’t we all just put on a happy face and keep smiling!”

As someone who has perfected the ‘happy-smiley’ face routine and still engages in it 75% of the time.

I get it.

But I also understand how this “denial defence mechanism” is created in our formative years and unless we are open and curious as to how or why it began we won’t be able to heal it.

Lorenzo made it very clear on our first date that he didn’t really give much credence to the Attachment Theory.

He also shared his anger and frustration at people who “blame” their parents. ‘

“Our parents do their best so what is the point of blaming anyone!”

(I am proud to say that I stood my ground.)

I tried to explain how damaging, I believe, statements like that can be to so many people.

I was angry and blamed my mother for many years, simply because I didn’t have the knowledge or understanding that I have gained over the last couple of years. The first step in healing is having the courage to identify what you didn’t get as a child….and yet we live in a culture that so easily shames people for doing that.

Lorenzo listened respectfully to what I had to say, which I appreciated.

(Even if I could sense that he didn’t quite get it)

As much as I enjoyed the evening talking to Lorenzo,

I couldn’t help but notice how tight my chest was for most of the night.

Sometimes it’s hard to tell if it’s just ‘first date nerves‘ causing that or my body trying to tell me something….

So I decided to give it another try….

Throughout our second date it was even worse.

The more Lorenzo spoke, the more anxious I started feeling.

By the end of our meal my chest was in a complete knot.

All I kept thinking was

“WhatEVER you do DO NOT let this man see your blog EVER – he will run a mile”

In the past I would have ignored that voice, focused on all Lorenzo’s good points

(Because he indeed had many)

and completely disregarded my “Sensitive, over – emotional- heart- on- my- sleave part”.

But I have spent a good part of 40 years denying that part of myself.

My blog is 100% of ‘uncensored’ me.

I don’t generally share my blog posts with men that I am dating…. I would much rather they get to know me in person first….but a gut-wrenching sense that I don’t want to share it with someone is probably not a good sign.

Lorenzo and I had a lovely, civil last date.

And then we both ghosted each other.

It was as it should be.

Ps Maybe I am getting a wee bit better at not taking things personally after all 😉