Written 17th March 2021

Grief like love

Takes on many forms

Yet we live in a world

That so often ignores…

“Be positive

Don’t look back

always uplift

You, alone

have the power

to make the mental mind shift”

But so many griefs

Are engraved in our souls

A child losing a parent

Will always leave a deep hole

Or the pain and loss

Of a child that dies

Is something that no parent

Will ever be able to hide

Neglect, abuse

Lack of containment too

Massive pit holes that so many

People struggle through

You will never know the pain

Unless you’ve walked down that road

You will only know the pain 

Of your own hurtful load

For me not being a mother

Has left a deep wound

An anger, a frustration

A sadness that consumes

(For most of the month

I maintain an upbeat stance

When Aunt Flow visits

I simply forget the dance)

Children and mothers

Are everywhere I see

My internal dialogue sobs

“Why isn’t it me”

I don’t talk anymore 

About the pain

Honestly, people’s responses

Drive me utterly insane

“Why don’t you just

Have a child on your own

I mean so many women do it

It’s quite ‘in’ you know”

Because for me it’s a choice

That I would want my child to have

That wonderful experience

Of a living, breathing dad

Yes, I can adopt

This will be an option for me

But please just allow me

The time to simply grieve

“Oh come now, keep perspective

It could be much worse

Imagine watching your child die

How that must truly hurt

No life is perfect

We cannot compare

Certainly, don’t allow yourself

to even go there”

Or

“Perhaps it’s time dearest

To find a new dream

Many people without kids

Still feel valid and seen“

Always said with good intentions

(Yes, this I know)

From people uncomfortable

With too much emotion on show

So unintentionally they try

To modulate how you feel

No tangible, visible loss

So this grief cant be real

And there’s fear as I sit

At the edge of this abyss

As I seriously consider

All I might have missed

So much love stored up

Throughout the years

Hoping and praying

Buckets loads of tears

Jokes easily passed:

“What you still want kids

Aren’t you a little too old

Perhaps give up that gig”

Like it’s a fanciful whimsy

Something to outgrow

“Why have kids

They’re not all THAT great you know”

As people reel out stories

Of how exhausting they can be

And still, all I’m thinking is…..

“Fuck, then give them to me”

Or perhaps in naivety

They might attempt to point out

How lucky I am

So much free time without….

The demands of tiny souls

When you’re not in the parent club

(Sometimes I want to tell them

To shut the fuck up)

Or you are peppered with stories

Of how they ‘visualized’

All that they wanted

“Come on give it a try”

“All you have to do

Is see it and believe

Look how it worked

So beautifully for me”

Which only deepens the shame

See IT’S ALL your fault

Your hopes and dreams frozen

In your own visualization vault

Because I have tried all that

(and so much more)

For years I kept beautiful

Creative vision boards

I’ve written poems to my children

I have painted them

I have dreamed of them

Since I don’t know when

   But alas, apparently

I’m doing SOMETHING wrong…

If I could only visualise properly

I’d have got the job done

I’m not sure if this ache

Will lessen through the years

Will I learn to be grateful

Not consumed by these tears

Will this grief continually knock

Me off my feet

Will it ever go away

Will it ever be obsolete

I don’t need words of encouragement

Or platitudes of hope

Judgement or advice

On how I ‘should’ cope

Just allow me my feelings

Is all that I ask

And maybe a thought for the many others

On this same path

Let me own my grief

It’s real

It’s legit

Being childless by chance

Can feel pretty shit

I’ll come to terms with it, somehow

In my own special way

(Perhaps I’ll pen a depressing poem

To brighten up your day)

For 10 years now

I have clung to positivity

But for now

I’m exhausted

so

Please let me be