Approximate reading time: 6 min
Written 12th of August 2023
For the first time in my life
I feel in control
Dare I dream this feeling
Might be that elusive “whole”
Grounded, secure
Happy in my skin
Free from being tainted
(Marred by awful “sin”)
It’s this feeling of someone
Holding my hand
Guiding me loving me
Reminding me I can
I’ll admit at times
I still struggle with my hair
Genuine love for the grey
Is definitely not always there
Today I found myself staring
(With a wistful sigh)
In the hair section at Boots
All those lovely coloured dyes
As this voice egged me on
Taunting me quietly
“Just colour it dam it
That grey’s so unsightly“
But my internal mother was present
She also had something to say
As I listened I heard her
ever so kindly survey
“Wait, wait
Wait it out and see
Keep practising loving yourself
Just let your hair be!”
Ever determined the other voice
most certainly wasn’t done
“Good Lord you are so boring
You used to be such fun!
I mean come on wouldn’t you
Love yourself so much more
You’d cut years off your age
That’s for dam sure!”
“For one moment of course
Everything will be new
You will be caught in the excitement
But you would still just be you
It wouldn’t be the antidote
It wouldn’t be the cure
What would it really change
deep in your core?”
So, I imagine for one second
How cool it might be
If I could one day 110%
love and accept me
What I’m NOT saying is
“Chuck all hair dyes away!”
Or that I might never try them
On some other day
. But for now
while I’m practising
to simply love myself
It’s important for me
to stay mindful of…
How I have used things like this
so much throughout the years
to polyfill my self-esteem
To secretly mask all my fears
That I’m not enough just the way
I am naturally
That there is always something better
And more beautiful to be
But for the first time in my life
I’m starting to feel enough
It’s the most freeing feeling
After always feeling so rebuffed
Rejected, disconnected
From my genuine self
Searching outside
for what can only be found in yourself
For years I anguished
I knocked myself down
Honestly the change
Has been truly profound
Especially when it comes
to all that I write…
“You are so self-absorbed!
Everything is so contrite!”
Now it’s the complete opposite
I am my ‘biggest’ fan
I feel like finally
I’m able to understand
How important it is
to express what you feel
The good, the bad, the ugly
And all it reveals
My writing has meaning
It’s a memoir of my life
A quote from Florence Foster Jenkins
boldly comes to light
Undoubtedly the worst opera singer
That ever was alive
Her voice was atrocious
People came to watch and deride
The movie of the same name
With Meryl Streep and Hugh Grant
(Her doting husband
or a disturbing sycophant?)
Is absolutely hilarious
(Were it not so sad)
How could this woman
Be so incredibly bad?
But as laughable as she was
(She was no Helen of Troy)
She truly loved what she did
It brought her so much joy
And I kind of think
If we forget
How awfully she sang
That could be the greatest lesson
That Florence ever brang
So, it feels like these days
That thing I love is rhyme
I am barely able to get
It all down in time
And the best part is my belief
That I can do this
Being a writer isn’t something
I need to resist
I can start to see myself building
The lifestyle of which I’ve dreamed
A little teaching
A little coaching
(Random poems about me)
Six weeks of travelling
In the summer holidays
Dissecting my experiences
Along the way
A life that’s flexible
A job that’s in my bag
Writing about life
Beautiful experiences
Still to be had