I have always been an incredibly up/down type of person.

When I was in my late 20’s I seriously thought I might be bi-polar….in hindsight I had little understanding of how debilitating real manic depression was….but for me at the time it still felt overwhelming.

(Ummm…of course, it didn’t help that I was fuelling myself with copious amounts of alcohol and cigarettes🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬… just saying.)

When I started therapy with my current therapist, Konrad Van Staden (Aka: My Hero💪) he asked me what I wanted to gain from therapy.

My answer, in short, was: “I want to just walk the middle ground for once….without the manic highs and depressive lows.” I didn’t know the word at that time – but what I was searching for was a sense of equanimity. As I have mentioned before, I don’t think I could possibly pinpoint exactly what got me to this particular point in my life. My search for this ‘equanimity’ (Mmmm….which judging from yesterday’s manic post🤣…. I still have not yet mastered) has indeed lead me to some amazing people who have given me deep insight into understanding myself better.

About 8 years ago I went to an Enneagram taster course run by a brilliant lady called Liz Elizabeth Devlin-Dugmore. If you have never heard of the Enneagram it is ‘an ancient spiritual and psychological system that reveals nine different aspects of human consciousness and personality’. I usually tell people that it is a type of personality profiling, that is based on 9 different types of energies. After Liz’s talk I was so intrigued by what I had learnt that I walked straight up to her to thank her and promptly announced that I thought I might be a type two. (Two’s are known as the Helpers: Briefly summed up they are caring, demonstrative, generous, people-pleasing, and Possessive)
Liz smiled sweetly at me and simply said: “Or maybe a four?”

I was a little dumbfounded as to how I could be so quickly psycho-analysed…..surely I was more mysterious than that?🤨 On inquiring why she thought this, she simply asked me. 
“Do you constantly feel defective?

Do you feel like you live with a hole in your heart that nothing can fix?

Do you feel like you are constantly searching for that missing piece/someone?

Um… YES! !!!

I have to say, never in my life had anyone psycho-analysed me so perfectly.

One of the other reasons that I had needed to start therapy that same year was because for the first two years or so that I was home, I felt like I had a boot👢 on my chest that just wouldn’t ease up, ever! My heart was indeed anxious and in pain. A little shocked by her questions, I asked her how she knew this was me? Her response was that type fours are known as the individualists (or the hopeless romantics) and that it was in everything about me, from the way I walked to the way I dressed. (I do recall I was wearing my awesome denim bell-bottoms that I had bought in London years before….very bohemian….dam I loved them jean-pants😜.) Needless to say, from then on I was hooked and spent as much time as I could learning about the Enneagram, specifically the type fours.

In a nutshell type fours are sensitive, introspective, expressive, dramatic, self-absorbed, and temperamental. The enneagram institute (https://www.enneagraminstitute.com/type-descriptions/ describes fours as being ‘self-aware, sensitive, and reserved. They are emotionally honest, creative, and personal, but can also be moody and self-conscious. Withholding themselves from others due to feeling vulnerable and defective, they can also feel disdainful and exempt from ordinary ways of living. They typically have problems with melancholy, self-indulgence, and self-pity.’

Self –absorbed? Temperamental? Self –indulgent, Me?

OK, I have to admit…I was not happy the first time I read that description.

But what irritated me the most was that it was ALL true. It literally felt like someone- was holding a mirror up to my face for the first time. So I consequently ended up completing two of Liz’s full Enneagram courses where I learnt that there are also some definite advantages to being a four.
At their Best, ‘fours can be inspired and highly creative, they are able to renew themselves and transform their experiences.’ Fours have a large amount of compassion and understanding for others people’s pain and they are often able to put into words what many people struggle to articulate. (Fours are often poets, writers, singers or actors.) 
I can’t even begin to describe how insightful and interesting those courses with Liz were. She truly is an incredible teacher and has a wealth of knowledge in explaining how the Enneagram works. (NOTE: For some reason, I can’t remember a thing about tax, but I can almost remember, word for word all the stories that Liz told us, 8 years ago, about all the different Enneagram numbers.) There is really soooooo much I would love to write but at this very moment, I am absolutely exhausted so I think I am going to make this a two-parter post….to be continued tomorrow. 
I hope you all had a fantastic day….almost halfway to till the weekend. 😍😜

With much 💘🐝🐝

Aah bless….I think this is such a beautiful example of the intensity of emotion that an enneagram 4/ highly sensitive child might feel. I love the way her mum helps her identify the emotion and then allows her to feel her way through it, without judging her for it. Telling an enneagram 4 not to feel something is like asking a fish not to swim. 😂 But it doesn’t mean we can’t learn to understand and regulate those emotions with the right support. 😘💖

https://youtu.be/uhzX5TFLxjY