Approximate reading time: 8 min

Written the 7^th July 2022

My teaching assistant John

 walked out today

Irritated and angry that

I had the audacity to say

“I’m so frustrated

I have so much work to get through

It really doesn’t help when

 I have to do your job to”

In fairness, he was leaving

 for a new job in two days

He just decided to leave early

When I verbalised my dismay

He didn’t say goodbye

Or I won’t be coming back

Just walked out in a huff

 That was the end of that

And can I just mention

How him ‘leaving’ commenced

The school had terminated his contract

(In my self-defence)

So that in itself had absolutely

NOTHING to do with me

It became apparent this just wasn’t

the right age for him to be

A little backstory

(In case you might want to know)

Where the hell did

Ms Shawnigan go?

Well, it was requested she be moved

to help in the nursery

To support the class

whose behaviour was up the tree

It was the class that John

had been in before

The hope being that she might

be able to restore

 Some discipline, some order

 Maybe some calm?

 (It was worth a try

it couldn’t do any harm)

Frankly, I was relieved

Genuine changes were being made

 to make that nursery a little

 more emotionally safe

Now, John is a nice guy

 He has a good heart

But I struggled with him

 Right from the start

So lost in his own world

 He will focus on one child

spend ages honing on them

 while the others all run wild

Or I’ll find him drawing pictures

or building his own art

with children sitting frustrated

not knowing where to start

I have said so many times

(Oh, so nicely)

“John when you’re here

you have to focus on the kid’s needs

Working with children

There are a million dangling strings

You’ve got to be aware

of every little thing”

In fairness when he moved in

 just over a month ago

I was warned by the nursery teacher

  This was how things would go

Not popular with other staff members

I’m always listening to them moan…

I felt sorry for him

All he needed was a safe home

I reassured her not to worry

 I got on with him well

I have loads of patience!

(As far as I could tell!!)

URGHHHHHH!

Such wise words of wisdom

Oh, what a fucking joke!

When it came to managing John

 I feel like I absolutely choked

I’d give him jobs to do

 (Make them as simple as could be)

but he would still get confused

do the wrong thing entirely

Or he would take forever

to do the simplest thing

And then leave 3.30

The second the bell would ring

He once left a job uncompleted

At the end of the day

When he could have taken 3 minutes to finish

 and just pack the things away

So many little triggers

 That just made me so mad

One parent spoke to me

that her child was feeling bad

Apparently, he despises fruit

 (Doesn’t like the stuff at all)

And yet John was insisting he ate it

(In the dinner hall)

She said her child was getting anxious

and visibly upset

I promised I’d speak to him

She didn’t have to fret

So, I spoke to John

 I explained we don’t force-feed

If the meal has been eaten

Then the child is up to speed

Two days later this little boy

 Was in an absolute state

Sobbing uncontrollably

 tears running down his face

“I don’t eat fruit”

he cried in heart-breaking despair

I was so bloody irritated

(I felt like a mother bear)

I approached John annoyed

we have clearly spoken about this

He got irritated and defensive

“I only said eat one piece!”

(Aah my God that’s not the point

and you fucking know it too

I don’t want my poor students

 crying over food)

Now it does need to be noted

that John was the one

who gripped the child’s arm

and came a little undone

I wrote about him

in my Dysregulation post

and perhaps since then

I’ve been a little engrossed

I’m so conscious of always

being on high alert

Watching him closely

his anger to subvert

At times I feel irritation

seeping through my pours

I’m certain it must be visible

as it oozed onto the floor

So, I’ve been struggling to readjust

 to this new change…

The last two months of school

Have been a little insane

Report Writing and so many

 other things I need to do

Language assessments with every child

 That I need to get through

So today I just snapped

(I’m not going to lie)

Out poured out the frustration

that had been building up inside

As I came in from the playground

 the whole classroom was a mess

Toys, paper everywhere

manic children to excess

So, I’m not sure what I am feeling

 frustrated or sad

Although my jaw is grinding

so maybe a little fucking mad?

Time and time I find myself

standing on this abyss

two choices are always clear

 two I cannot miss

Choose attachment to another

or my own authenticity

(Repeatedly this decision

has continually fucked with me)

So often in the past

I chose attachment first

my desperate need for approval

used to physically hurt

The best quote I think I have

ever heard before

(I can’t for the life of me

remember who wrote that?)

Was it in “Co- dependence no more”

by Melody Beattie perhaps?

But it stuck in my brain

 and spoke to my heart

How I minimise my needs

and always play my part

I’m the good girl

 who gives 110 percent

Of course, I’ll pick up the slack

 But then I’ll quietly resent

Never authentically

admitting when I feel mad

Has done nothing but cause anxiety

 and triggered me feeling sad

So, I’m still learning to speak up honestly

 To say what’s on my mind

Owning up to the feelings

 that keep me so entwined

But then also learning the flip side

of owning your truth

Often leaves people feeling hurt

and angry at you

Oh my god it’s so exhausting

to have to then deal

With the guilt that you will

 inevitably feel

But I am starting to realise slowly

I’d take the guilt any single day

 if it helps keep toxic resentment

far, far away