Approximate reading time: 11 minutes
Written the 14th July 2021
I’m staring at my delivery’s
(£250 worth!)
In hindsight I wish
I’d given shopping a wide berth
I treated myself
to orthopaedic shoes
I’ve needed them for ages
They’ve been long overdue
I finally had
a bonified full-time job
And I think I am worth it…
(am I not?)
I honestly was so excited
I could barely wait
The end of self-employment
I needed to celebrate
Well, I just got fired
I got given the sack
It was politely said
They don’t want me back
I have honestly never
been so shocked in my life
As I sat and listened
to the explanation why
“It’s not personal”
I was told
(Um no, of course not)
But I’m so confused
How did I lose this plot?
“You are great with the kids
It’s really not that
But we have other concerns
We need to look at
We are not really sure
that you fit in”
(I sat there quietly
soaking it all in)
“You don’t bond with parents
or get along with staff”
I almost looked behind me
are you having a fucking laugh?
Mention was made
of what happened yesterday
When I came in at lunchtime
I wholeheartedly agreed
I didn’t protest
(Yesterday I certainly
wasn’t at my best)
But internal thoughts
swimming through my head
Backtracking over what actually
It was that I said
I wasn’t screaming
I certainly didn’t shout
I was frustrated that we
were expected to go without …
a lunch break while working
the entire morning flat
(Frankly, I think I had the right
to be a little annoyed at that!)
But I simply stated
“You are correct
I could have handled that
with a little more respect
Which was why I sent
The message to apologise
I dropped the ball
That’s not a lie.”
Internal thoughts:
Surely
I’m not the ONLY person in school
who has got a little dysregulated
or has perhaps lost their cool?
I, myself, have witnessed
the delightful cook “Jude”
Ranting and raving
in the office at you
Moving on you then shifted to
“It’s bigger than that!”
(I wait, as you take out
your baseball bat)
“Staff members have complained
Unfortunately, about you…”
“Really, please tell me
I’d love to know who?”
Well first mention was made of
Lovely Mrs Leigh
(Someone who brings me
regular cups of tea)
She comes in every morning
to give me a hug
We laugh and have fun
All I ever feel is loved
We had a disagreement
(a couple of months back)
But we spoke about it afterwards
Everything was on track
We hugged
We laughed
and we both agreed
it was so lovely to solve disagreements
so civilly
We’ve both been so excited
talking about plans for next year
So, if she has a problem with me
Why am I the last to hear?
The second person
Lined up in my firing squad
(Oh No Good God!)
That would be the same person
that the school let go?
Due to concerns of how
he couldn’t cope?
The same person that would
Is now your key witness?
(Heaven forbid!)
I say nothing I keep quiet
I’m just listening to you talk
My heart is being stabbed
by a million pitchforks
Apparently, you say
John’s been complaining regularly
about how terrible it is
having to work with me
(Mmm, interesting and yet
At no single point
Did you come speak to me
find out my viewpoint?
If I’m so ‘awful’ to work with
If I cause so much stress
Should I not have been given a warning
and firmly addressed?)
I ask:
“I wonder did you perhaps speak
To anybody in the school
That actually likes me?
How about Usma
Who’s in my class every day
Did you perhaps enquire
what she might have to say?”
No answer
Silence
WAIT….
We are moving on …
(I had
No idea
The list would be so long)
Yes, apparently dearest
There is indeed MORE?
Evidence of how I don’t gel
with parents
AT ALL
I sent an email
to Toxic Mum yesterday
who completely ignores me
and has nothing to say
I have noticed a shift
in her child’s behaviour around me
No doubt she’s picking up on
Her mum’s animosity
The happy child is gone
She’s more anxious and stressed
It breaks my heart
I have to confess
So, I wanted to reach out
Send an olive branch of sort
I wanted her to know
that her child is in my thoughts
I validated I knew how hard
It must be at home
I wanted her to know
that she is not alone
That I do regular check-ins
to make sure her child is ok
Her child’s happiness is my goal
At the end of the day
I attached an article about
After-school collapse restraint
(One I’ve shared with numerous parents
without any complaint)
I hoped it would somehow…
Let her know that I understand
Absolutely nothing
in that email was meant to be
underhand
Apparently, mum was furious
by the email I’d sent
She was absolutely livid
by its “condescending content”
I sat there in disbelief
so very confused
(Aren’t head teachers meant
to stand up for you?)
I mean you had read the mail
Why couldn’t you see
That condescending was the last thing
I had intended to be?
Suddenly you change gears
Now it’s my teaching style
(I’m watching quietly
as my sins slowly stockpile)
My teaching style apparently
Is more openly ‘free’
(Something you initially
Gushed you loved about me)
“The previous teacher
was more rigid and firm”
(So that’s why this autistic child
is struggling to learn?)
I do all that is required
on her learning support plan
My class has been well-behaved
From the moment I began…
I have been observed numerous times
only positive feedback
So why is my teaching style
Now suddenly under attack?
You yourself commented
on how you preferred my ‘free style’
How happy the kids were
So why is it now on trial?
I can’t teach as a carbon copy
of somebody else
All I can do
is teach as myself
Or is it simply
that you needed to find an excuse
To not buy out my contract
(I felt utterly confused)
Realization
This wasn’t a warning
This wasn’t a mere chat
My contract had been terminated
And that was the end of that
I honestly didn’t know
What was going on
I’ve been in such a good space
I’ve been so emotionally strong
I have been nothing but proud
that I’ve been authentic and true
that I’ve stated my case
when I have needed to
One thing I can say
with an absolute clear heart
is that I strive my best to work
with parents
right from the start
And then in a moment of
Crystal
Clear
Clarity
A quiet inner voice said
“You are allowed to disagree”
You alone have the power
To decide who you are
To accept yourself unconditionally
(Even the parts that are marred)
It was a beautiful moment
of self-compassion and love
A wonderful flash
of feeling enough
I am human
I make mistakes
I sometimes take the wrong turn
I’m navigating through life
(I have so much to still learn)
While there were elements of truth spoken
that I could contain
(Things I’d do differently
If I had to do it again)
That definitely didn’t mean
All these words directed at me
Summarised my existence
Of who I was meant to be
For a hypersensitive person
who’s lived with thin skin
When other’s words have had the power
To absorb and sink in
It felt incredible in that moment
to feel protected and love
With a part of me whispering
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