Approximate Reading Time: 18 min
I am very conscious that my neurotic energy is rampant at the moment.
I haven’t journaled in almost 2 weeks
I am struggling to focus on anything
I am thinking about everything
I have been eating crap since December
I am ashamed to admit I haven’t done my yoga or pilates ONCE this year
(It’s utterly disgraceful I know!)
On the plus side…
.I haven’t been watching crap on youtube
I finished a masters proposal
I looked after a very needy but loveable dog
Aaaand I am ‘attempting’ to date again
(Small wins!)
But still, I feel the need to highlight this manic, fission of nueroticness!
I have no qualms in admitting
I am quite comfortable embracing that label.
I have spent years trying to convince myself that I was “Rachel” from friends…
Cool, calm and aloof.
But alas I am not.
I am Monica.
It was a hard pill to swallow the first time my therapist referred to me as ‘being neurotic.’
(You are NOT allowed to say that out LOUD, are you????!!!)
I have grown some since then.
Let’s face it there are A LOT worse things I could be in the world.
(Besides which, us neurotics are quite loveable really)
I am very conscious that dating brings out the worst part of my neurotic tendencies.
(I’m not blind to that.)
While it seems to be a great source of laughter in our flat….
(Me and my dating escapades…..)
I do realise that I have made online dating into a kind of sport
that I mock continuously.
I am thinking about stopping that…
(Truly I am)
But then I start worrying….
OMG
What would I write about if I wasn’t single ??????
Some of my dating posts are my BEST work!
Then I worry about what happens when I actually find a guy I really like and he
uncovers my blog posts and discovers what I’m doing!
(The secret espionage)
No one will EVER want to date me!
Maybe I should stop writing!!!
(Sigh, unfortunately, I can’t.)
Maybe I should stop dating ?????
(Sigh, I can’t do that either….)
I have a challenge to complete.
(Plus there is that small thing of not wanting to die alone!)
The Good news is I have started writing a book.
It’s going to be called
(Ok the title might need some work!)
I figure, If I scrounge through all my blog posts over the last 15+ years or so I will have at least 5 chapters written already.
I wrote another chapter this week.
I could tell you all about it…
(Last week I only gave you a brief synopsis)
but I need people to buy my book, one day,
so you are going to have to wait.
The last chapter will be the happy-ever-after-chapter when I finally meet someone and we ride off into the sunset together.
(The hopeless romantic that I am!)
And all those
out there
Who thought
“Dam but there is no way this chick is EVER going to meet ANYONE at this rate!”
YOU WILL SEE!
YOU will see!
So far I have messaged 36 men….
(Good grief I’m not even past the halfway mark.)
39 to go !!!!
Still no date number 3 on the horizon….
Although tonight I do have a date with a gorgeous 5-year-old little boy, Shahil, who seems to think I’m pretty cool stuff.
I have it under good authority that his other babysitter is not nearly as cool as me.
(and I quote)
“She really annoys me a lot you know Gayle”
On inquiring as to whether or not I annoy him?
I got a very cute and emphatic head shake.
“No, no you NEVER annoy me, Gayle!”
Out of the mouths of babes
There is hope for me yet!
Now all I need to do is find a 6-foot, cowboy, who is sensitive, brave, affectionate, funny, intelligent, loves dogs, doesn’t snore,
AND who I don’t annoy!
(Oh and who doesn’t annoy me!)
That’s not asking tooooo much
is it Universe?
Written 21st – 23rd September 2021
The one about the really sucky teacher
Today was a reminder
Of something I’d rather not know….
There are DAMAGING people
Wherever you go
Funny after my experience
With that autistic child last week
That I would land up in a class
Even more miserable and bleak
6 adults
8 students
(Not your typical teens)
All of them non-verbal
Mental ages of about three
I was working as an assistant
Supporting one boy
(I love working one-to-one
It’s always a joy)
The teacher was useless
She spent the whole day at her desk
Her lack of attunement with the kids
Was mildly grotesque
At one point she sat
On her phone for a whole hour
(Honestly, it made
My heart slightly sour)
No one-to-one teaching
Was done the WHOLE DAY
No attempt to help
These kids to engage
She was rude and dismissive
Made no effort to explain
What my child was like
(What he’d need to feel contained)
A child who I actually
Later found out
Was supposed to have two
Support adults about
Simply handed a packet:
“Do this with him”
That was how
The day would begin
It was the Teaching Assistants
Who quietly pulled me aside
Explained about the children
And what I would find
******
Bradley was the boy
Who had been assigned to me
With a deadpan look
(Probably about fifteen)
Bradley was pretty tall
Easily 6 foot
With an obsession with water
(It seemed he was hooked)
He’d often bolt from the table
Run for the door
Make a dash for the taps
Which he clearly adored
He wasn’t violent or angry
But cheeky as hell
Considering all this
My day with him went well
Except for the time
I had to bring him back to class
After a session with the optometrist
(Such a simple task)
But with the optometrist and myself
Not knowing this man-child
Bradley saw his chance to escape
His chance to run a wild
The two of us together
Couldn’t hold him back
At the top of some stairs
With no way to backtrack
I was told by the phase leader
At the beginning of the day
“You haven’t been trained to ‘handle’
No restraining, step away.”
So I made an executive decision
I’d need to go with his flow
At some point we’d meet someone
Who would know…
How to help and get
The escapee back to class
We walked the school for ages
Until finally, we passed…
Another teacher, I implored her
(Rather feebly)
“Please I need help ASAP!”
A male assistant ran out
He took Bradley by his arm
Turned him around
ever so calm….
“Oh, Hello Cheeky
I know how you can be”
(There was absolutely none
of the resistance he’d had with me)
Laughing he said
“Bradley is simply trying it on
He knows you are a newbie
He’s having a little fun!”
Bradley was now smiling
From ear to ear
(Clearly, our mini adventure
Had brought him some cheer)
When we got back to class
The teacher was irritated as hell
(Oh my god this woman and I
DID NOT gel!)
I was requested to explain
(Repeatedly)
How it was that this child
Got away from me
“I’m sorry”
I said
(Standing my ground),
“He was too strong for us
so we both found
I’m not tussling with a child
At the top of a flight of stairs.”
Honestly did she even
Really genuinely care
I don’t know this school
It’s my first bloody day
What else did this woman
Want me to say
I mean seriously could she
Cut me some slack!
It wasn’t even professional
That I had been left like that…
In my head I hear Neurotic Angel
“See here you go again
Conflict with others
You are always to blame!“
But although I heard her
I paid her no heed;
The voice of my internal mother
Was clearer in me…
“Well done for standing up
For finding your words
People like her
Are what’s wrong with the world
She clearly has no compassion
She’s only worried about looking bad
You made the best decision
With the choice that you had.”
One of the teaching assistants came
(Over after a while)
Whispered
“You should NEVER
have been left ALONE with that child.”
Vindication I tell you!!!
(That shut Neurotic Angel up!)
It’s always nice to have
A little emotional backup
******
And then there was Anna
Who was only 13
Anna’s anxiety was so heartbreakingly
Visible to see
She sat hyperventilating
For most of the day
Clutching some puzzle pieces
Refusing to play
So dysregulated
So stuck
In debilitating fear
She would grab your hands
Whenever you’d go near
Digging in her nails
(It hurt like shit!)
I wondered what message
She was trying to transmit
What sensory challenges
Might she be trying to sooth
What was she trying to express
What was her truth
Without having language
Did Anna physically want you to feel…
What was going on inside of her
Her pain that was real
What didn’t help was her loud
Bullish T.A
Who kept shouting at her
In absolute dismay
Like this child was simply
Choosing to harm
How is shouting ever going
To help this child calm
I inquired if her anxiety
Had always been this bad
Was this constant hurting of others
A trait she’s always had
The answer was sadly
A definite
“No…
It only started when the class
Was rearranged a week ago“
Ok, fair enough!
She hasn’t adapted
Well to the change
But what systems are in place
To help Anna re-engage
Where is the sensory input
That she so desperately needs
Or the action plan to help
Calm her anxiety
******
Kerry was disabled
She was stuck in her chair
Her arms covered with scars
From biting herself there
She was wearing a pink
Full-body bathing suit
Which I initially found strange
A little hard to compute
Until I realised how she ripped
And tore everything that came…
Into her contact
Throughout the whole day
All she does is flail her arms
Shout and spit
I was warned by her TA
That she too’ll bite and pinch
“No one goes near her
Make sure you stay far away”
So, Kerry pretty much sits there
The whole fucking day
Absolutely NOTHING was done with her
(Not one little thing)
How is that not so completely
And utterly degrading
I don’t have the answers
But any human would be crushed
If they spent most of their days
never being touched
By end of the day Kerry’d
Ripped the pink suit to threads
(But I guess that’s understandable
With nothing to do instead)
******
Sandra is tall and gangly
With the loveliest T.A
(How she stays calm with that child
is impossible to say)
Sandra pretty much shouts
the whole entire time
Often needing two to restrain her
When she can’t calm down
She wears a helmet because
She routinely headbutts
What sets this child off
is never clear-cut
I learnt this the hard way
When I attempted to take
A book away from her
(A rooky mistake)
I had the good intention
of reading aloud to her
But I got her message
So loud and clear
******
Darrin was a gorgeous
Movie star-looking boy-man
Who should have been inundated
With admiring girl fans
With a smile so radiant
He lights up any room
An obvious allure to my
Ellie Saab perfume
A couple of times he’d sit sniffing
With a huge grin on his face
(Note to Self:
NO perfume when next
You’re back at this place)
But apparently the reason
The whole class had been changed
Was because of Darren’s behaviour
Which can be so hard to tame
Apparently, his meltdowns
Are worse than the rest
(It’s hard to imagine this sweet boy
Ever getting distressed)
He was the only child willing
To bounce a ball to me in P.E
He seemed happy to engage
(If only momentarily)
What broke my heart
He sat most of the day outside
Sitting against a wall
Like he had been exiled
There was nothing in the playground
For these kids to even do
Just grass and dirt
Not even an old tyre or two
I asked if perhaps
There was a ball I could throw
To continue building the connection
We had started to grow
I was firmly informed
“No toys outside at all!”
Seriously?
Not even
A stupid fucking ball?
So, we sat together in the dirt
Throwing an old broken pot around
In this day and age
I am completely confound
How these kids could be treated
With such blatant disregard…
As if their lives aren’t already
So incredibly hard
At one time I managed
To coax him inside
Would he do some work
Would he perhaps give it a try
He nodded and grinned
That movie star smile
A look that left me feeling
Ever so slightly beguiled
Of course, there was nothing
Set for him to do
So, I asked a T.A
What I could choose
She motioned to a box of puzzles
I quickly grabbed one
It was a 3-year-old puzzle
In 30’s seconds he was done
Darren stood up in frustration
The energy he gave off
Was one of utter exasperation
(And frustration of course)
His Internal thoughts radiating
So clearly through
“Good God isn’t there anything
Anything else we can do?
Seriously lady
I am so incredibly bored!
I honestly don’t want
To do this anymore!”
He walked back outside
Sat back down in the dirt
I had had the briefest of chances
(It seems I blew it!)
I felt so frustrated and angry
As I do believe
This child is more intelligent
Than he is perceived
With the right teacher who genuinely
Cares about his needs
Who is willing to set work
That he can appropriately achieve
Whose idea of teaching
Isn’t YouTube the whole day
Who realises the importance
Of children learning through play
Who believes in his ability
To learn no matter how slow
Who is eager to challenge him
Who believes he can grow
So yes, I can now imagine
When this poor child
Has had his fill of feeling
Like an alienated exile
That he might eventually snap
And simply loose it
I’m sure sitting in dirt
Must feel pretty shit
******
So, I came home last night
I just couldn’t shake this cloud
In this day and age
How is this still allowed?
In a school that has ‘outstanding’
For their last Ofsted report
The system is so flawed
If this is all the support
That these poor children get
It’s an absolute disgrace and a farce
I mulled over all these feelings
as I climbed into the bath
I lay there feeling numb
I had a good cry
I was present and conscious
of this all-consuming “Why?”
Why do other people’s pain
Cause so much upset
Why is it so hard for me
To just let go and forget
Like a flag in the wind
With so little control
When this feeling of sadness
Firmly grabs hold
But another part of me was present
She was holding my hand
She said I love you always
I am here
I understand
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