Approximate reading time: 10 min

I realise sometimes my poems must make me sound like a stark raving lunatic. All these different characters and voices. A nut job who talks to herself….I’m pretty sure in some countries I could be locked up for that.

The beauty is, I am past caring.

It was a relief to finally get to that point where it was easier to just be myself,

own up to the madness and get on with it.

There is something about compartmentalising all my varied emotions and feelings into different parts that is rather soothing for me. The Internal Family Systems part work that I have done these last couple of years has helped me to have much more understanding and compassion for myself.

Nothing is more therapeutic than writing down the inner turmoil in a poem.

So I just continue doing it, because, for me, it works.

It’s interesting that the poem below from 2021 comes up now.

Firstly, because I feel like for the last two months my head has been hosting the pre-party to World War Four.

Sigh

(Clearly, NOTHING has changed then)

Secondly, because it reminds me of how anxious I was about getting back into the big wide world again after my ‘Covid Cocooning years’ and how grateful I am that I eventually did.

(A very stark reminder that SoMeThiNg HAS indeed changed then;-)

As someone with an anxious/avoidant attachment, the prospect of losing my home and the connection with the people that I have loved for the last couple of years has been a little too overwhelming.

I have never been good at goodbyes.

But I am very happy to report that I have found somewhere to live.

I am not homeless.

Thank God

It was the last house that I was going to look at before I booked myself into an Airbnb the following day. If you had asked me a month ago if I would consider being a lodger (with a couple none the less)…my answer would have been a very firm

“Hell no, over my dead body NEVER!”

After my last nightmare experiences in 2020 of living with landlords in their own homes that was one thing I was adamant I would NEVER do again. My experiences have taught me that the dynamics always work better when everyone is a flatmate and on equal footing in the lease agreement.

But as fate would have it, when you are down and out desperate, with the looming prospect of being homeless you are suddenly forced to reassess all your preexisting judgments and fears. Not only that, from the moment I met my new housemates I completely warmed to them.

You know when you just meet people and you so easily slip into random, unpretentious chit-chat?

Well, it felt like that.

The three of us seemed super relaxed around each other and we laughed a lot.

(Always a good sign)

They have just finished rebuilding and refurbishing the whole house and it is absolutely gorgeous.

Clean and clutter-free, with a whole lot of fancy electronic gadgets I am going to have to learn to use.

I have a lovely large room.

I have my own bathroom.

I am a six-minute walk from two different stations

(A huge bonus in London)

And the best part is my rent is £100 cheaper!

I tried to sell most of my stuff, sadly to no avail.

But isn’t it funny how valuable your stuff becomes when you eventually decide to make it free?

So I ended up giving away pretty much everything.

I had to remind myself continuously that its ‘just stuff’

One mum turned up with her student son, Jaxon who was moving into his first student digs.

Jaxon eagerly took a carload of stuff from me…..

He was so excited and couldn’t stop thanking me profusely.

I was so excited and couldn’t stop thanking him profusely, for just taking it.

It was a lovely feeling to see someone getting some joy from said ‘stuff’

So it looks like I survived the move.

I’ve cried a shit load.

I’ve said my goodbyes and packed up 4 years of memories ready

for my next chapter,

whatever that may bring.

So, tonight as I finally finish the last of my unpacking, I realise that I have a lot to be grateful for. I am grateful for all the little four-legged creatures that have kept me sane these last two months. I am grateful for my friends, who have been on the receiving end of all the inner turmoil and who have continued to support, love and encourage me even when I am not feeling my best self.

And last but not least I am grateful for having two years with the loveliest flatmates ever.

Richard and Teresa thank you for being such a wonderful part of my life for the last couple of years. It has been so amazing sharing a home with you both I couldn’t have asked for better flatmates. I will miss all the meals, the random cups of coffee, our weekend pancakes, Mother Teresa’s AMAZING food, Richard’s to-die-for roast potatoes and Marisol continually beating us all at rummy!

– But mostly I’m just going to miss you both.

Wishing you nothing but happiness and love in your new homes.

Written the 11th February 2022

Please can I hide?

My year of attempting

To get my life back on track

Some resemblance of the social life

That  I once used to have

I’d think nothing of dating

Going to meetups alone

 I loved meeting people

 I felt easily at home

I secretly used to scoff

At those poor introverts

Who found it hard to get out

Or who felt socially inert

I had no point of reference

I didn’t understand…

How could you not enjoy socializing

Or having night-out plans

But If I’m honest I’m scared

Scrap that I’m petrified

What if the person I once was

Has quite simply died

Perusing the meetup app

(So many nights out)

All I hear is my inner child, Lyla

Begin to panic and shout

“I can’t do it

Don’t make me

 I don’t want to go out anymore

Why can’t I stay home

Just be alone like before”

But Neurotic Angel

(Ever present, judgementally chides)

 “Because you can’t be a hermit

Who stays home and hides

 You have so much to offer

You have so much to give

Why are you so petrified

To just get up and live”

“I feel washed out in numbness

 I have no energy

all I want to do is sit down

 and just simply be….”

“BE WHAT? For fucks sake?”

Now Lyssa is truly mad…

Neurotic Angel is right

This is atrociously bad

You’ve finished your CI course

This is the time for you

To get out back into the world

Why are you so fucking blue?”

“It’s Valentines day on Monday!

Neurotic Angel groans

That’s 5 years of singlehood

Grow a fucking backbone!

I mean honestly it’s embarrassing

Almost 47, still unwed

So much for all those children

You dreamed of in your head

“Enough! Enough!

Please leave me alone,

Lyla is sobbing:

“I just feel so utterly alone”

It doesnt help with both of you

Continually shouting at me

I already feel bad enough

Why can’t you see

Do you know how hard it is

Living up to your ideals

Ticking all the boxes

You deem it necessary to heal

Your constant reminders

 “You mustn’t end up alone”

If you find that special someone

Then you’ll magically feel at home

It’s bullshit!

Fucking bullshit

And you both know it is

So why do you continually

Hound me like this?

I thought our internal mother

Asked you to back off and be kind,

To stop continually judging

And criticising all the time.”

I’m lying in the dark

As these words start pouring out

I don’t think I’ve ever heard Lyla

Get angry or even shout

      My internal mother steps closer

She wraps Lyla in her arms

Her love is all-embracing

 Lyla’s anger disarms

Lyla she says tenderly 

 “What’s going on…?”

“I’m so tired of always feeling

Like I never truly belong!

I’m tired of conversations

That don’t mean a dam thing

 Of pretending I’m OK

With every bloody thing.

I’m tired of being disappointed

Surprised people let me down

Of being my own victim

Swimming through emotions that drown

I wish I had the courage

To open up and confess

The almighty turmoil

That continually rules my head

I wish I had the courage

To be honest about my shame

I wish I had the strength

To help others do the same

I’m so petrified of letting

Yet another person see inside

 So yes I’ll admit

It feels safer to simply hide

My internal mother listens quietly

 “OK”

she simply says

“Is that all you’re going to say

About what’s going on in my head?”

“Yes”

She says calmly

 “You didn’t actually need to explain

I know every anxious thought

You have mulled over today

Neurotic angel sniffs

 “And how on earth will that help?

You indulge her and treat her

Like a spoilt little girl!

“It’s insane!”

growls Lysa

“When will she EVER grow up?

When will the time ever come

For her to finally be enough?”

My internal mother doesn’t rise

(She never takes offense.)

 She oozes understanding

Her patience is immense

“Well for starters let’s be clear

Lyla IS her inner child

Who has for years been banished

and quietly exiled

It takes courage for her

To stand up and say

I’m here and I don’t want to

Be bullied today

Forcing her to change

Pushing her to grow

Is never going to work

(That you both should know!)

Please note that there is absolutely

Nothing she needs to do

To prove that she is enough

To the likes of both of you

Please just have a little compassion

And perhaps some faith too

That Lyla will find the strength

To help her get through…

Whatever it is

She’s still trying to heal

 She owes no one explanations

For how she still feels