Approximate Reading time: 18 minutes

Written on the 9th of August 2021

Today was a pretty

 Incredible day

So much to write about

So much to say

All revolving around money

Lessons I’ve learnt

These past couple of years

Whenever I’ve got burnt

Every time money was lost

Things just didn’t work out

I’d get upset

Fill with worry

 Overwhelm with doubt

“What will I do now?

How will I cope?”

Worrying about money

Has been my slippery slope

Seven years ago

(In 2014)

I was self-employed

And more stressed

Than I’d ever been

Dealing with so many parents

Who would just never pay

But I continued teaching their kids

 I didn’t have the heart to say

 “I can’t work with you, my sweetheart

Your mum hasn’t paid her bill”

I just continued my job believing

 “Someday they will.”

One thing I have the utmost

Gratitude for

Is how my body speaks to me

 When I can’t take any more

I developed excruciating back pain

 I could hardly even sit…

 I was so anxious and tearful…

“Oh my God is this it????

Have I hit middle age?“

(I was only 39)

“Is it all downhill from now

….is it THAT time???“

I was already paying for therapy

And now massages TWICE a week

I was annoyed, unhappy

Just plain fucking bleak

I was angry at the universe

(I have to admit)

“What the fuck is up

With all of this shit?

Do you think you could cut me

Some fucking slack?

I’m doing my best

Still all this financial lack!“

As it so happened I decided

To Google Louise Hay

To see what her diagnosis

Of back pain would say….

Her underlying belief

Connected to this was:

 “Lack of financial support”

(Mmmmmm an interesting premise)

 But I didn’t have enough money

Everything was going wrong!!!

How the hell was I meant to fix

This tragic broken song

But by then I was starting

To slowly realise

I had to have the belief

Before things could materialise

I had to let go of the fear that  

I never had enough

Focus on what I did have

(Especially when things were tough)

By constantly falling into worry

And

“Woe is me!”

I left no space for abundance

 To flow to me

I then started to put down boundaries

  I started to discern

That if parents didn’t pay me….

Then their kids wouldn’t learn

I had to acknowledge I loved my pupils

Payment up front for lessons

 became my basic norm

And it’s funny to notice

over these last 7 years

not a single unpaid session

(All the difficult parents disappeared)

Because toxic people will push

They will take liberties

They will walk over you

No desire for synergy

It was that fundamental lesson

That I needed to learn

I was worthy of having my own

Love and my own concern

So, I have over the years

Slowly let go of this fear

That I never have enough money

 That I’m financially insecure

I started donating to charities

Giving more away

I made a choice to start believing

That I’m financially OK

I started spending money

on things not seemingly worthwhile

(I buy flowers every week

simply because they make me smile!)

When I catch myself falling

Into my fearful thoughts

 At the first rise of panic

 When I start feeling overwrought

 I am conscious

I’m aware

I remind myself on repeat

There is enough abundance in this world

(Even for me!)

Today I got a large payment

That I truly didn’t expect

To help me through the holidays

 And it gave me time to reflect

On how the last two years

Have been for me

Pretty fucking amazing….

(Financially)

So today I was walking

To go by a suitcase

I’ve booked a ticket to Croatia

 (I’m getting out of this place)

We haven’t finalised our new tenant

Everything’s financially up in the air…

But I made the decision

 I just really don’t care

I need a proper holiday

It’s been two and a half years

Quite simply I just need

A complete change of gears

I was smiling like a Cheshire cat

 Feeling so happy

As I thought about how money

No longer has a hold on me

It’s like money feels fluid

 it flows in it flows out

It’s not the Amazon River

(Yet!!!)

but I have no fears of a drought

I’m not saying that a drought

Might never arrive

But I feel safe in the knowledge

That somehow I will survive

It feels so amazing

To know that I’ll always be OK

(Apologies if I sound

A bit like a cliche)

So here starts my story

A young girl approaches me

Begging would I help her

“Please, please, please!”

I apologised, I’m sorry

I don’t give money

“Please just buy some vegetables

for my family”

So, the irony is not lost

just 30seconds ago

 I was basking in how my money

Always seems to flow

The stark contrast of our lives

 Hit me in the gut

Overwhelming gratitude

 That I’m not financially stuck

I mean I’m planning a holiday

With so much excitement and zeal

And all she was worried about

 Was her next incoming meal

So of course, I said yes

how could I not

But I didn’t feel cornered

Compelled or on the spot

“Thank you”

She said

Please come to this shop next door”

alarm bells go off

I’ve fallen for this scam before!

In India and Cambodia

(Too many times it’s true)

 I have that face that says

So wise to this scheme

 (They take everyone to “this shop”

And then return the stuff afterwards

 for a cash swop)

I firmly say “No”

While I proposed

“I’ll only buy you food

At the nearby Waitrose“

“Wait, please wait, I don’t understand!

Wait for my mummy”

(Good grief

this is so planned!)

Suddenly running across the road

 Comes her mum

She’s waving expressively

 (I recognise the big guns)

She has this eager expression

Of just snaring prey

(A gullible person

ready to be slayed)

I catch myself smiling

 I have no desire to run

All I’m thinking is

“This should be fun.”

I explain nicely to mummy

  I’ll only buy food at Waitrose

With the biggest smile and nod

 She says

“Come let’s go”

On entering the shop

I ask her what she’ll need

 She grabs a basket and says

“Come we will see!”

Now it needs to be noted

that at this critical point

Neurotic Angel entered

(Her nose highly out of joint)

She wasn’t very loud

 but I heard her voice

“Good Lord YOU ARE NOT going to

 give HER the choice!!

Set a boundary, make it clear

 how much you WILL spend!

 This woman will milk you dry

OMG how will this end!“

Now bless Neurotic Angel

She’s travelled all around the globe

She’s done her best to protect me

While she not-so-gently probes

The wiseness and the logic

 (Of the crazy things I do)

It’s like an overprotective big sister

Continually watching you

But today another voice was stronger

 It came through, it took control

My internal mother, Galen

 Simply saying

“Let it go!

You have been feeling abundant

 Like the universe has your back

You were thinking money is like water

 So why turn off HER tap?

Why not simply have faith

 She’ll get that which she needs

Why not let her feel a little abundance

 You don’t need to intercede“

Neurotic Angel

(Clearly wasn’t very impressed)

 “That’s the dumbest fucking plan

You need your head read!”

But unfortunately, these days

I don’t pay her much heed

Listening to my gut

Works way better for me

So I just followed quietly

I let the shopping begin

I’m watching mummy

And her beautiful kin

As they start to fill that basket

 Slowly at first

Almost doubting that I

Had been so easily coerced

But then the light dawned

 I wasn’t saying a thing

They perked up a little

 (A slight step in their spring)

The only vegetables bought

Were mushrooms and NO peas

And then FOUR packets of

Delicious Feta cheese

Neurotic angel is groaning

 She’s not having any of this:

“Gayley wake up!

They are going to take the piss!”

But Galen was smiling

Smiling from ear to ear

Simply enjoying the moment

She wasn’t bombarded by fear

As we enter the cleaning isle

Mummy started to peruse

Neurotic Angel:

“Nooooo this is NOT fucking foooood!!!!

A discussion is being had

About the best product to clean her stove

Galen is giving her feedback

(Neurotic angel groans)

Now we are looking for pasta

Mummy tries to find the cheapest one

She holds it up in elation

“See we save money when we’re done!”

The basket is full

 The daughter grabs something in her hands

Her eyes flicker to my face

To nervously scan

 It’s the biggest bottle of Nutella

I’ve seriously EVER seen

 That bottle must have weighed

about 1kg

Neurotic angel:

“What the hell

Is the price of that thing?”

Galen thinks

“You go girl“

(Quietly smiling)

The shopping spree continues

 I note how happy I am

 This doesn’t feel like I did

When I used to get scammed

I don’t feel angry or resentful

For not being able to say no

I’m not worried about the money

Or what I’ll do when it goes

 I’m totally present in the moment

 Enjoying being in their joy…

They say money can’t buy happiness

(But it’s a beautiful decoy)

There is no better feeling

That can never be compiled

Than knowing you have the means

 To make someone else smile

It’s funny as I sit quietly

writing this poem

Random thoughts about my parents

Won’t leave me alone

An epiphany…Truly!

(You’d never guess!)

About the origin of some

 Of the voices in my head

My dad lived his life

Worrying about money

Frugal and safe

Down to the last penny

His dad died when he was

 A young man of 25

He had to financially support his mum

While she was alive

It must have been so hard

 having that massive responsibility

It was one of the reasons

He was adamant to a TEE

That his children would NEVER

Be stuck doing the same

It makes it easier to understand

 Why he would always proclaim

“No, Brenda we don’t

Have money for that”

Perhaps this is where

Neurotic Angel’s thinking was begat

But bless my mum

Something she got right

 This deep belief

That we’d be financially alright

It wasn’t consistent

 (She too worried a lot)

But when it came to ‘giving’

 That’s a great lesson I got

Some of our happiest moments

Mother and daughter shopping for clothes

Not worrying about anything

(You know how it goes)

I can’t count how many times

 She’d ‘overspend’ on me

Somehow when we were shopping

It was a time we could just be

And I remember her always smiling

as she’d cheekily say

“Let’s not tell your dad

How much we spent today”

When we got home we

were always happy and aglow

We would parade our purchases

Put on a mini-fashion show

Of course, what dad was thinking

was never ever lost…

“Umm that’s lovely girls

 But how much did all this cost?”

My mum would smile

‘She’d reply so calmly

‘Oh, don’t worry Roly

just leave it with me’

So, it has made me grateful

to simply remember today

One of the lovely characteristics

my mum passed my way

The joy and the love of wanting to give

And a knowing that somehow

We’d still have enough to live

Now to end off my story

 I paid and said goodbye

I walked out of Waitrose

 on a natural, beautiful high

Unfortunately, at that moment

there was a torrential downpour

So, without an umbrella

 I was stuck at the front door

Mummy and kin followed out soon

We were all stuck together

(In this bloody monsoon)

Mummy was so grateful

as she continued to impart

Words to the effect of my

“Oh so big heart”

Then with a gleam in her eye

as she lavished on more praise

She said:

“Maybe you could help

Me to please just pay….

My rent, you know

I’m only £30 short!

I heard Neurotic Angel screaming:

 “WTF?

Nooooo abort!!!!!”

Galen still smiles

but she gently declined

Secure in the knowledge

I’d done enough at this time

 I knew in my ‘big heart’

that if I had given any more

I would have started to feel used

 resentful and sore

So, I put down the boundary

that I now needed to feel safe

I gave them a hug

 and I got on my way

My lesson was learnt

 My job was done

Just so grateful for the experience

That’d been a lot of fun!