Approximate reading time: 8 min

Written the 12th November 2021

I had a truly awful day

In an S.E.N school

Severe learning difficulties again

(Another class that wasn’t cool)

I’m not sure at all

Why I keep landing up in them

When there’s a whole bloody spectrum

Of needs in S.E.N

Four adults supporting

Eight nonverbal kids

(Only one child’s behaviour

Was a little off the grid)

I won’t go into detail

There’s not that much to tell

We pretty much did nothing

(It was truly dismal)

We did 10 minutes of painting

 30 minutes of P.E

Ten minutes for them

to “Silently read “

Although none of them could read

(So that was a joke)

With not enough adults supporting

The reading went up in smoke

Then playing with cut-up paper

(Lest I forget)

That was sprayed with water

To make it wet

In fairness this was something

The Teaching Assistant quickly found

Because no resources for the science lesson

Were anywhere to be found

So roughly one hour

Of work the ENTIRE day

Absolutely nothing in the classroom

With which the kids could play

Walls stripped bare

Not a single toy

Absolutely not ONE thing

For any of them to enjoy

A little girl, Jessie

Was outside most of the day

I was encouraged fervently

Not to actively engage

Because Jessie gets violent

At the drop of a hat

So it’s safer to stay away

And leave her like that

(Oh well of course, yes

That Makes PERFECT sense

Clearly, Jessie‘s needs

Are FAR TOO immense)

Heaven forbid we actually

TRY to teach

Far better to do nothing

And not try to reach….

These vulnerable children

Who are so desperate to feel safe..

When it’s so much easier

For us to simply disengage.

So, it was pretty much a day

Of children lying on the floor

Climbing on cupboards

And not doing much more

Although I managed to get Jessie

A tiny little bit engaged

She was tearing up paper

Which then turned into a game

As she then threw it in the window

I’d pick it up and throw it back…

It wasn’t much

It was a start

She was making eye contact

And on the odd occasion

Jessie would smile at me

Imagine spending every day

Hardly ever being seen

And then when I was walking

A child Zoa around the class

Jessie kept watching

Giving me a glance

For me, that felt HUGE

Had Jessie noticed I cared?

(Even if it meant me getting

That semi-quazi stare)

And she was indoors now

For the first time the entire day

A minuscule victory

In a day that was extraordinarily grey

But then suddenly a Teaching-Assistant

Who was in the class

Ran up, grabbed Jessie’s paper

From her hands pretty fast

Like a bratty little sister

Stealing your favourite toy

She ran out of the classroom

In twisted, delighted joy

She slammed and locked the door

In Jessies face

Honestly, it was an absolute

Disgusting disgrace

We were then left with a screaming

Uncontrollable child

Who was almost impossible

To soothe or calm down

As she’s banging and crying

On the door to be let out

It was at this point in time

That I had little doubt

Why this poor little girl

Would choose to be outside all alone

To stay disconnected from the world

To just be on her own

Because when the people who are supposed to

Be providing love and care

Behave like spiteful children

Then I’d also rather not be there

So, it was a momentously sad

And disheartening day …

I wonder what parents who send

Their kids there would say…

If they saw how little

Was being done with their child

How they were left to their own devices

To do nothing or run wild

And then to roll it up neatly

In a nice toxic-ball

I had a run-in with management

(That wasn’t fun at all)

Myself and another supply teacher

Who’d been in the same class

Attempted to find the deputy head Sally

To request a home pass

As school was finished

We had nothing left to do

We found a note on Sally’s door:

“I’m busy, please speak to Stu!”

So we tracked down his office

(The office of Stu)

When he flung the door open

We met Ebenezer Scrooge

His face was flustered

(Was that sweat?)

His energy hit me

Like a ball of black lead

A simple polite answer

Could quite easily have been

“I’m sorry I can’t talk

I’m in an online meeting”

But Stu was in conflict

Before he even opened that door

So, we were greeted with the exact

Opposite of ardour

“What do you want?”

He growled irritably at us

I asked if we could please leave early

He stared at us nonplussed

“Oh Good God, it’s not my job

To deal with this kind of stuff

Go to the office and speak to Sally”

 He raged in a huff

And then he threw in for good measure

“Why are you even coming to me?

Nothing like a little

Pent-up hostility

As he slammed the door in our face

I turned and just said: “Wow!”

I felt embarrassment and anger

Creeping up my brow

“He wasn’t rude” 

I suddenly heard someone else snap

I turned around to see 

Another senior leader (perhaps?)

“He is a busy man

Who has lots to do

He definitely wasn’t being

Rude to you”

His gruff tone aimed at getting

Compliance from me

It seemed imperative that I was

Made to see

We were bothering someone

Who had an important job

(Which clearly gives him the right

To behave like a hobnob?)

I found it interesting how this other man

(Let’s call him ‘Dick’)

Was so defensive and ready

To also give us stick

As my friend aptly said

 “He engaged in the fuckery”

Instead of simply attempting

 To diffuse the situation politely

I found it interesting that Dick deemed

It perfectly OK

For anyone to speak

To staff members that way

If this is how you treat

Guests in your school

I shudder to think how you treat

Staff that work for you

And what a coincidence, I’ve been listening

(Recently this week)

 To Dr Ramani talk about

How dangerous enabling can be

She talks about how toxic leaders

Are enabled to ascend

Because people turn a blind eye

Jump on the band waggon to defend

Their behaviour is emboldened

It is endorsed as Ok

Toxic bosses are handed a waiver

For the things that they say

How in today’s world so sadly

We seem to have adopted the view

That confidence is equated to wisdom

(Isn’t that so true)

Abrasive behaviour accepted

 As simple assertiveness

Ignoring the fact that it hurts

So many of us

****

So, thinking back over the day

Sorting things out in my head

I was able to sift through my feelings

And make sense of things said

I could recognise how Stu

Chose to behave

Had nothing to do with me

At the end of the day

We could have simply been

The straw on the camels back

There could have been 100 different reasons

For him to behave like that

But what angered me more was

‘Dicks’ attempt to gaslight

(Image by gellert from Pixabay)

My feelings at that moment

That something wasn’t right

His simple denial of my experience

Left me feeling less than great…

It was such a clear example

Of how toxic cultures proliferate

Because in that moment with Stu

I felt embarrassed

 (Slightly shamed)

Like I was at fault

That this man had been so enraged

When in essence all I had done

Was knock on a door

To ask a simple question

That was it, that was all

And with this came the awareness

That ‘my definition of rude’

Is not anything that ANYONE else

Can ever call untrue

It’s personal to me

I have the absolute right to define

How I am comfortable being spoken to

AT ANY GIVEN TIME

For me it’s pretty simple

Treat all people with respect

I do not come to school to be criticized

Scolded or henpecked

Mutuality

 Consideration

Living with integrity is my ideal

Please don’t mandate how I should

Or should NOT feel

Don’t take your anger and frustrations

Out on me

When kindness and manners

Are absolutely free