I was supposed to have a date tonight. Peter and I chatted a bit last week and then he asked me out. I have to admit I was a little excited by this one. What impressed me the most wasn’t the fact that he asked me out… It was the fact that he then said. “Great I’ll message you next Monday to confirm a time and place” What? You mean you aren’t going to message me every single day for the next 7 days, Pete? No “Good morning” texts or random chit-chat questions …..like “How’s your day going?” Or my all time favourite – What u up 2? Of course, what I hadn’t factored in was that without the need to keep reminding me that he exists 24/7 Pete might actually completely forget that …I do EXIST or that he actually had a date planned with me. (Which he clearly did.) Sigh.

Now in my defence, before I get branded as cynical and overly judgemental I would just like to say that I am 100% cynical and overly judgemental as hell. I didn’t use to be this way, honestly. I used to be sweet and trusting and have faith in humanity and all that shit…. until I started online dating. I was about 33 years old when I first started dabbling in the occult and I now I am almost 44…..which is almost 11 years of irritation eroding away at my soul. (Please note I have had 4 relationships during that time so I am not a complete loser). But that’s still almost 11 freaken years. If I had been studying at the University of Dating I would technically have a professorship by now…except it feels like the university somehow forgot to give me my degree. So I’m still stuck in a class with all the other ever-hopeful students. I have become an expert at handing out solid advice to all my single friends about how to survive the perils of online dating and come out unscathed.

Ha.

On the downside, however, I’m still single. So technically I am not sure they should even be taking advice from me. (Or is it true what they say ….those that can’t do teach? ) So I think I might finally be done and light has dawned that maybe I signed up for a completely dud course that didn’t come with a warning:

What irks me the most is that I have always been such a strong advocate for online dating I sincerely believe (and have seen for myself) that it DOES work! For years I have defended it! I have shared stories of friends and family that have met online and I have encouraged other single women to give it ago.

You have to stay proactive.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Focus on the positives. I have been a firm believer I tell you! Why not even a month ago I finally convinced one of my best friends to give it a go. And what do you know, on her first day of signing up she reconnected with her first ever boyfriend, who she hasn’t seen in over 25 years. Ummm I can’t even begin to tell you how happy I am for her….(no genuinely)….I even sent her a text telling her……see…..

Last year another friend and I got into a passionate debate over online dating. We had watched a program about it on television where a life coach, who had been married for 20 odd years and had never so much even had to try it, was berating it to the core. (How dare she!!!) I was annoyed beyond belief as she was chastising something she actually had no first-hand experience of. In my opinion, she was essentially attempting to influence people without acknowledging the fact that these days 1 in 5 relationships and a little more than 1 in 6 marriages begin online. (https://www.statisticbrain.com/online-dating-statistics/) So I defended my beloved ‘online dating to the nth degree!’ Deep down I couldn’t wait to one day shout it from the rooftops…”Loooooooooooook I preserved and I found my man! Wohoooo!!! Persistence pays off!! Online dating really does work!!!”

Ha. Ha.

Well, I am sad to say this fearless advocate has finally been broken! Online dating- you are no longer my friend!! And I definitely don’t want to play with you anymore. Quite frankly…you suck. I am emotionally exhausted from trying to think up witty, charming opening lines to send men that seem to be sucked into this black void of nothingness. Why do men even bother liking your photos or matching with you if they have no intention of even responding to your messages? Why do they write things like: “Looking for a reason to delete this app/ profile” …and then make zero effort to ask you any questions about yourself. How hard it to understand that conversation is like ping pong? ……you actually need to hit the ball to keep it going. Why do they message things like Like “Gorgeous photo’s….is it bad if I say I wish I was lying on top of you right now?” (Ummm…..yes Simon, it’s pretty bad). Or how about the message I got sent after the possibly the worst Valentine’s date ever a few years ago “I know you said you weren’t interested in seeing me again, but would you consider just having sex? ” (Umm…Damien…on what planet do you live?) Seriously, it is enough to drive the sanest person a little crazy.

But then there is the other side of the equation….it the guilt. It’s that niggling guilt you are struck with every time you get a message from a guy that you are just not interested and you feel forced to ignore it. ( Realization- I AM the black void of NOTHINGness!).
Years ago when I first started out I made a concerted effort to respond to every guy that messaged me, even if it was just to say I appreciate your time, but I don’t quite think we might be a match. I just thought it was the polite thing to do. (See how nice I was!) That is until I met Cookie991 who didn’t appreciate my ‘upfront and honest approach and then proceed to send me delightful messages telling me what a F****** bitch I was and that it was no wonder I was still single at 35. Needless to say Cookie got a politely worded letter from me with a couple of clear-cut reasons as to why I wouldn’t date him if he was the last person on this planet and then he got blocked and reported. (He picked the wrong girl to piss off I’m afraid.) But needless to say after that experience I kind of decided it would probably be better for my mental health if I didn’t continue to follow the ‘upfront and honest approach.’ So now I have just learnt to shelve the guilt. (Please note “to shelve” does not mean it has been disposed of off…..it is simply locked away in a big, expanding cupboard) If ‘guilt‘ was marketable I could sell it and make a fortune- but apparently, most people come with their own ready-made supply.

Or how about the awkwardness that follows when you realise after 5 minutes of chatting with someone that you probably aren’t going to want to settle down and live happily ever after with them. A few weeks ago I was chatting to Ricky who had a 5-year-old son. He was of the much-dreaded, (before-mentioned) type of man that seemed incapable of asking you any questions about your life. (But I hung in there hoping that he might just catch on…..) On asking him how often he sees his child he said not often as he spends 90% of his life travelling for work…(He was a band tour bus driver).  I commented that this must be quite hard for him. His lacklustre response was, yes it was, but that he had done it for the last 20 years and it was all he has ever known – so what else could he do? ” Um I dunno off the top of my head Ricky…..try finding another job maybe, so you can spend a little time with your kid? I am sure Ricky is a sterling guy …but “resignation” is not high on my list of desirable attributes when looking for a life partner. I may not be living my ‘ideal life’ (yet) but that doesn’t mean I’m not working day in and day out to try and achieve it. One of my non-negotiables in any relationship is strong family values. Without a doubt, the main reasons I haven’t chosen to go down the single-parent-route is simply because I want my children to have a father. (No judgment AT ALL of any single woman who have chosen that route – you are brave beyond belief ). It just isn’t for me. So trying to find creative ways of ending those types of conversation without being rude or hurtful isn’t always easy. But the truth of the matter is ‘ghosting’ or ‘falling off the radar’ is a very real part of any type of online dating. (And we all end up doing it at some point in time…as much as we all hate it.) Please understand I am most definitely not talking about ghosting someone that you have actually started to form a friendship/ relationship of sorts with. I’m talking about those initial first few chats when it literally feels like pulling teeth out to keep a conversation going.

The only analogy I can use to describe this would be a dinner party….where you suddenly wind up talking to someone you just feel absolutely no connection with and is giving you one-word answers to all your questions. Very few reasonably polite people would turn around after a couple of minutes and say: “I’m sorry, but I’m really not enjoying this conversation…may I leave? ” You just exit the conversation politely, fake needing the toilet, say you need to top up your drink, tell them there is a ‘Naked Man Orchid’ that you just have to check out in the kitchen. Anything to escape quietly…. In my humble opinion, online dating is no different. Sometimes in those early initial stages simply disappearing is, the kindest thing to do.

So you might be wondering what has brought on this staggering amount of angst and negativity. (I am after all such a sweet soul…who never moans about anything)

Ha. Ha. Ha

What exactly could it be that has tipped me over the edge…..well…. I think its been like this slow 3650 days drip that has finally eroded away at my soul. In fairness, I have made numerous warnings that it would all explode out of me one day. So step back. That day has come.

Let me give you a brief summary of my last 4 significant matches. (….and 4 other past random tales, just for fun! Feel free to get some popcorn this could take a while!)

In walks Dan, a risk assessment advisor who works in Central London. Seemed like a nice guy, and had a reasonably warm and attractive-looking face. His profile was funny and sweet and he ACTUALLY responded to my message. (always a bonus!) After a few initial chats, Dan and I had set a date for a Thursday coffee, at which point I handed over my phone number. What then ensued was a constant barrage of messages from him daily, always starting with the perfunctory ‘Good morning’ text at the beginning of each day. Aahhh seems sweet enough. But why the need? We are still absolute, complete strangers…who haven’t even met yet. But I never want to be rude …..so I tried my best to give very (not -so) clear hints. “Like good morning Dan have a great day. Looking forward to chatting with you on THUUUUURSDAY!!!!” But it was like water off ducks back and they still kept coming sometimes as late as 11.30 at night.
************ Ok I will admit it, as I have got older I have become a little bit intolerant towards any expectations of constant chats or excessive demands on my time in the fetal stages of a not-yet-imminent-relationship. (ie before we have even met) I know I am not alone, by the number of men who write “not looking for a WhatsApp buddy” on their profiles. Honestly, it is just so utterly disappointing to have this amazing ‘chat’ chemistry with someone and then meet in person, only to discover that it doesn’t transmute in person AT ALL. My time these days is so unbelievably precious to me that I would much rather spend it reading or writing stuff for this blog than wasting it messaging a complete stranger for hours on end when frankly nothing might ever come of it. Just before my mum died in 2016 I connected with a guy Sean in Cape Town who I thought was absolutely incredible. Successful, driven, wicked sense of humour – I was always in hysterics with him. I mean honestly, the man was in the process of building a jetty with HIS BARE HANDS – which I got sent photo’s of at various stages of. ( I have a weird obsession with jetties so a man that was actually BUILDING one…WOW- wasn’t that like a sign from GOD or something? ) We used to message for hours (You see…I can do it!) – we even had a cyberchat love child called ‘Gertie’

(Granted she wasn’t the most attractive child- but we loved her!) We only really chatted on the phone once or twice during the entire two months that we were in contact and in fairness his reluctance to actually speak to me in real time was a huge RED flag (which I chose to ignore). We did, after all, have a cyberchat love child! (Plus I just liked him that much!) When he told me that he was going to fly down to Port Elizabeth for our first date…Gertie and I were literally over the moon. A few days before he was due to visit he cancel the trip and he then proceeded to ghost me. (And poor Gertie, it would seem)

I was devastated…as far as I am concerned ‘ghosting’ is the most cowardly thing anyone can do to another person. It was a very hard, valuable lesson learned on the importance of actually meeting someone first before you build up this fake pseudo- watsap relationship. (Ummm…I truly wish I can say I actually learnt the lesson there ….but alas…we know I am not a quick study. )

Let’s see….
There was still 3 weeks of chatting with the photographer in Durban, (who eventually admitted he had no intention of ever even calling me because he was just looking for no-strings sex); the 2 weeks of chatting with the IT developer in Cape town who decided it would be a good idea to share his strong belief of antinatalism with me within the first 30 minutes of our first date. Umm….Ethan, what part of the “I want children” section did you not understand on my profile? And could you not possibly have shared this information with me before I drove the 749.4km to Cape Town to meet you? (OK, OK, in fairness I was driving to see my family as well……but still it’s the principle of the matter dammit!)

My final cementation. of this valuable dating lesson was after a Port Elizabeth guy Paul asked me out last year. I think I was so excited by the prospect of actually having a bonified date in my home town that I threw caution to the wind and we spent a whole TWO days chatting. It was awesome!! What a connection!! Then we met. In fairness, while Paul was very sweet, he had significantly lied about his height. His 5’9 was probably closer to 5’6 (I am almost 6 foot) and he had a couple of missing teeth. (Online dating lesson no 3: Be wary of men that don’t show teeth when they smile in profile pictures, you will most likely be in for surprise!). But besides all that we just had absolutely nothing in common. I sat awkwardly through a meal, cursing myself for breaking my Online dating lesson number 2: First dates must only be coffee dates! (short and sweet) Shame, he really was a very kind and genuine man…but when he started making plans for me to meet family and friends this anxious-avoidant felt slightly panicked and I had to break it gently to him that we were not quite at ‘that stage yet’. After that, I finally learnt my lesson and my no 1 Online dating Rule became: Do not EVER, ever start cyberchat flirt texting with any MAN before you have actually met!! NEVER, NEVER Ever, Ever, Ever again…..no exceptions!

****************************

(Sorry just giving you a little “history” to my now deeply ingrained aversion to massive chatting with someone I have never met before.)

So back to old Danny Boy! On my date with Dan, we didn’t actually sit down, as he suggested we simply walk around London Centre for a bit. (He bought me a take away coffee….but sadly no doughnut was offered) There was an awkward moment when we were talking about online dating and I said the hardest thing is how so often you end up feeling like part of the problem. (I am the black VOID of NOTHINGness!)

This got met with a rather cold and judgemental response from Dan that he never just deletes ANYONE without at least having the basic good manners to say he is not feeling any connection first. (For the record I had never mentioned deleting anyone….but his disdain was palpable.) I got a distinct feeling, from the word go, that not much that I said was going down well with Dan. Of course, one must keep in mind that he did manage to drop into one of our random text chats that the reason he knew what the acronym TEFL (Teaching English as a foreign language) stood for was because he had IQ of 159. Ummm ok…..that would roughly put him in a 1/4 of 1 per cent of the human population – on par with Steven Hawkins and Albert Einstein. What hope in the hell did I have of stimulating such a superior brain? My fate was doomed. Our date hadn’t even lasted 30 min when suddenly I was pointed in the direction of the closest tube. So I made my exit ever so gracefully.
Imagine my surprise and amusement, when not even hour later I saw that I had been deleted off his matches. What? This from the man who claims to”never to just delete anyone?”

One thing I have “tried” to learn through the years is not to quip back. I get that it’s not my job to try and change anyone ….but every now and then you just can’t help yourself

Ok, I will admit it. He is an arse…but I still cried. I “should” be tougher and not give a damn what other people think….but I’m still growing that muscle. ( I reckon another 10-20 years will do it – watch this space!!;-) We have all had horror stories of turning up on a date only to discover your date looks NOTHING like their photo…nobody wants to feel like they are a horror story. All my photos are recent, 2 are professional and two were taken by friends. Ummmm……granted I have been eating a shit load of doughnuts since I arrived in London? (I blame Tesco’s. They sell 4 chocolate doughnuts for 1 POUND!!) However, my besty Rachel assures me I haven’t ballooned too much. Luckily that happened the same day that I left to go and visit Rachel for the weekend……I got a lot of hugs and was reminded that I’m OK!! Thank God for girlfriends during times of crisis!

NEXT! Last Friday I had a date with Günter (German, but has been living in London for 20 years). I thought he was pretty cool…..his profile said he was looking for someone who was willing to be “emotionally vulnerable “…hell yes I WAS HIS GIRL!!! In his second message, he even quoted Brene Brown to me who is my superhero. We planned our date a week in advance and I didn’t hear so much as a peep from him the entire week before the date. (Silent sigh of relief) Date night arrived. It was this weird experience…..I felt like I was on a date with the male version of ME. So many of the things that he said just resonated with me. We chatted really easily and we had loads in common….BUUUUTTTT I felt absolutely zero attraction towards him. Nothing. That been said if there is one thing I have learnt through years of dating is that attraction DEFINITELY can grow….(online dating lesson no 4 – chemistry can be fleeting – but stimulating conversation is irreplaceable.) So I was intrigued and definitely would have liked to see him again. The only downside of the date was that I had developed a headache just before I left home which then evolved into a full-blown migraine after about two hours date. I apologised profusely about having to cut the date short…but I am sure he could tell by the two litres of water I ordered and drank during the date that I wasn’t faking it. Ever the gentleman he walked me to the tube and we travelled half the distance home together still chatting comfortably. I honestly thought it went well. All things considered, I thought it was a good date. Just before he got off at his stop I thanked him for a lovely evening and said that it would great to see him again (sans migraine). His look, and the silence….said it all.

Alas, I never heard from him again…..

sigh

Next!…….. Enter Shivesh. Hindu. Great profile…he was a male nurse and low and behold also looking for the “real thing!” His lover, his best friend…. blah, blah, blah. He straight away asked me for my phone number so that he could quote: “call you tomorrow” (There is a God!) My reply: ” A man of action, I am impressed”

The next morning (Sunday) I got the proverbial: “Good morning – I’m going to work now” text. (OMG nooooo!!!!- the inner rantings.) I responded back with a friendly “Good morning, I am also working from home today” text…..” really looking forward to chatting to you later though” (Hint, Hint). Now it needs to be added at this point that I have had a pretty full on and exhausting two weeks in my new nursery school teacher post. Hats off to teachers that do this full time, because it really is an insane amount of work…..(I am mildly embarrassed that I thought teaching nursery would be a walk in the park.)
That being said, I was HUGELY embarrassed last week when I burst into tears at school, not once, but twice from just sheer overwhelm and exhaustion. In my defence, it hasn’t helped that I have developed Plantar fasciitis on both feet (basically just fancy words for bloody sore heels) – which makes standing the whole day and having to walk EVERYWHERE rather painful. (I miss my car!). Since moving to London…I haven’t been feeling myself, more the overwhelmed, oversensitive, slightly emotional, sometimes lonely and always exhausted version of myself. (I miss my friends and family!) The thought of having to spend my entire Sunday planning for the following week was not high on my ‘eager to do list’…But I knew it had to get done.
Shivesh, it appeared…wanted to chat. In an attempt to not be rude and ignore his messages completely I thought I might try the ‘upfront and honest policy again’ (It worked so well for me in the past.) My message went something like this:

Hey Shivesh. “So sorry, I hope this doesn’t sound rude….but would you mind if we continued this conversation tonight? I just have a ton of work to get through today and really need to focus on it. Hope that’s ok? ” He responded that that was fine but alas I never got my phone call that night. The next day I messaged to say It was a shame not to get to chat with him and that I wished him good luck in his search. I got a message back informing me that I was clearly a very busy lady who had no time to build a relationship. I then got likened to a movie that just doesn’t grip you from the start because I wasn’t willing to make the time to ‘warm up to the phone call’ he was “going to make” Huh? What am I a freaken hot water bottle? Look I realise I have been single for a while…but I wasn’t aware that a prerequisite for a healthy relationship was your partner is willing to drop everything just because you are ‘bored’ at work and wanted to ‘chat’?

….AND it was at that point that I finally decided that I had had enough. ENOUGH! One thing my parents never raised was a quitter…. but I honestly don’t have an ounce of energy left to email, message or entertain any more men. I know that there are good men out there feeling just as frustrated with online dating as I am, I know if I stick with it…I will probably meet one of them…eventually. But I have not one ounce of a desire left to continue. I am well aware if I was just a little less sensitive, emotionally tougher and more of a “glass half full” type of person then I might be able to focus less on the disappointments and more on the positives. (Yes, yes, great idea!) The problem is…I have been trying for years to do just that, but I am none of those things. I am just me. At almost 44 I will put my hands up and say there are still so many things I don’t know at this point in my life. But there is one thing that I am absolutely positive of. My ultimate purpose in life is not to find the dream job, the dream relationship or have a dozen beautiful children…it is as simple as learning to live each day in joy. It’s about realising that I have the power to create my own universe through the thoughts that I choose to think every single day. It really is that simple. I also have the power to stop paddling upstream and to say no to those things (and sometimes those people) that don’t add joy to my life. I am grateful beyond belief that I haven’t had a cigarette in 3 months. (Proudly the chocolate doughnut infatuation is also passing). On 11 March 2019, I deleted all my dating and profile apps and I started writing this post. Initially, it was in utter frustration and anger but as the weeks passed I found myself slowly starting to climb out of the hole that I have felt engulfed in during these last few months. (Relocating halfway across the world is tough!) I feel like this week I finally managed to climb back onto my gratitude wagon again and as always the view is beautiful. I am grateful that I have this amazing opportunity and freedom to still design the life that I want. I am grateful that I am finally earning enough money to support myself and still be able to save, without needing to live on the breadline. I am grateful beyond belief that 3 weeks of acupuncture and massage is finally paying off and I am no longer hobbling around like a 98-year-old geriatric. But mostly I am grateful for my 11 years of online dating experiences and how it has given me so many opportunities to do the one thing that I love to do the most ….write. But now I’m done. Much Beloved One-line Dating…you have served your purpose and now I am letting you go because quite simply I just don’t need you anymore. Please note…this is not me giving up on finding love, it’s just me focusing my love a little more inward and learning to find my own limits. It also means me finding more creative and interesting ways of meeting men that I might actually enjoy more. I am after all living in beautiful London!

So thanks for taking the time to join me on this journey. I can guarantee that this story will have a happy ending….but for now, I’m just working on making the journey as fun and as joyful as possible. 🤗

With love always

🙏💖💝💕😍😍

FYI: This is officially my 100th blog post!!

PS Just before I leave I would just like to say a final few words to Dan, risk assessment manager from London with an IQ of 158.

I apologise that I was such a shock and disappointment to you. But here’s a little news flash …Brad Pit, you are not. What you are is a slightly podgy, middle-aged man with the beginnings of a double chin. And surprise surprise… You don’t look like your photo either. But I was willing to overlook that because a genuine honest connection with a funny, kind, respectful soul far outweighs pristine youthful, good looks for me any day of the week. So I just wanted to say thank you for your feedback…your ‘kind words’ were just the kick up the arse I needed to remind me that I’m pretty proud of who I am, both inside and out. It’s men like you that make us women really appreciate all the awesome men that are out there. So I’ll just wait for one of them then….