Hey all,
I had the most amazing weekend with my best friend Rachel this last weekend. Damn, I love that girl.😍 I am almost certain I wouldn’t even be in London if she hadn’t deserted me in PE last year. 😵 I have for the last 8 years sworn I would never, ever go back to London… But when she moved here….it was like she just opened that small window of possibility for me and the rest is history. So I was thinking this weekend about what qualities constitute a really awesome friend for me. People often criticize us poor single women for secretly looking for men who might emulate their best female friends… I honestly wish they would cut us some slack. Our girlfriends are the ones that have stuck with us through thick and thin. They are the ones that we call at the end of a long day to tell our news to. They are the ones who reassure us that we are indeed awesome when some idiot has crushed our spirit. They are the ones that continually remind us how strong we are when we momentarily forget (On a regular basis😌) and they are the ones we laugh our heads off with over nothing at all really. Who wouldn’t want all that with their significant other PLUS mountains of sex AAAAND foot massages every night? I ask you? 😉

It’s weird how certain things stick in your mind. My cousin, who has been married for 25 years once commented to me that she didn’t understand how so many women she met moaned and complained about their husbands so much. Her words were something to the effect of “Honestly Gayle, we chat every night in bed before we go to sleep and it’s truly one of the best parts of my day.” Another one of my favorite ever stories was told to my Aunt a few years ago. She said she had been staying with my grandparents when my grandpa came and asked her if she wanted to see the most beautiful thing in the world? Perplexed she followed him through to his bedroom where my grandmother was sitting on her bed completely naked (and completely wrinkly😉) waiting patiently for the bathroom to be free for her bath. My grandfather was apparently beaming from ear to ear….” Isn’t she beautiful?” He adored the love of his life even after 57 years of marriage.

So I am willing to wait….for that!!! Lol, sorry, single girl rant for the singletons out there ….just giving your daily boost of idealistic romanticism! Believe in Fairies!!! Believe in Fairies!!!😁😂🤗

But back to my point, I think I was busy compiling my top 3 qualities of an awesome friend. So here they come….peppered, as always with random, arbitrary stories.

No 1: Ease of being….. I spent 4 days with Rachel and I didn’t feel irritated or on edge once. (Being the anxious-avoidant that I am… this is HUGE!🤗) One of the reasons I have consciously chosen to do pretty much all my travelling alone for the last 20 years is that I am highly sensitive and often find travelling with other people draining and emotionally exhausting. It’s for this same reason I hate festivals or anything organised where I am stuck with the same people for an extended period of time (ie anything over 4 hours) with no way of escaping. 😳 (Glastonbury festival would quite frankly be my idea of a living hell.) I used to feel that I was so fundamentally broken that I would never be able to actually be with someone long-term. Therapy these last couple of years has helped me understand this a bit more.
a) It’s my introverted side ( I didn’t even know I had one) – I always considered myself an extrovert.
b) I relate to many of the traits of an empath. I remember the first time I read Dr Judith Orloff article on the top ten traits of an empath. It was literally like this ‘aha’ moment where so many things just made sense. Dr Orloff explains how the trademark of an empath is that they are essentially very big-hearted but that they are prone to feeling and absorbing other people’s emotions and/or physical symptoms because of their high sensitivities. They filter the world through their intuition and have a difficult time intellectualizing their feelings. (Orloff, 2019). ( That is, of course until they decided to write it ALL down in a blog… then you can’t get them to shut up😉)

c) Add to the mix that like many other people in the world I simply didn’t grow up having calm, chilled holidays. If anything family holidays were more stress than they were worth. This itself is a hard memory habit to break. (Please note I am by no means making this about blame. Without a shadow of a doubt, I know my parents loved and adored us and they did the absolute best they could. About a year before my dad died he admitted to me that he felt being an only child and having his father die when he was really young affected his ability to parent properly. “I just didn’t have any idea what a father was supposed to be like, I had no point of reference and I had no clue what to do. For the most part, I treated you children like friends and left your mum with the hard stuff”). A very poignant awareness from a 70-year-old man.

Simple Truth: Parents cannot teach what they, themselves haven’t learnt.

Looking back I realize that I found a way to recreate my holidays in ways that didn’t result in too much anxiety and stress around other people. Travel alone, escape when you feel overwhelmed…..Walaaaaa its that easy.💪 And that lonely.  I have however throughout my years of travelling met some awesome people that have had this elusive quality x that just calms me. Most of my close friends have it…..Rachel has it in oodles… as does my lovely new friend Layla, who I only started hanging out with just before I had to leave PE. The realization that I can actually spend large amounts of time with certain people and not feel like I wanted to run for the hills has been absolutely amazing for me. I definitely want more of that, please. 🙏😁

No 2: We laugh at nothing and we laugh at everything…(all mixed in with a generous portion of honesty.) For me, there is nothing more attractive in any human being than a sense of humour. What I love about Rachel is she doesn’t even realize how funny she is. She is quirky with a dry, witty sense of humour that sometimes just comes out of nowhere. I had the pleasure of helping her with her online dating profile this weekend as she has continually been complaining (for the last 5 months) that she never gets any matches in her little village of Martock.

I have found this to be rather strange as she is a gorgeous, exceptionally kind-hearted girl and we are after all in England- The LAND OF THE BRAVE💪💪💪 – were men that actually ask you out on dates! 😉 She should at least be getting some dates! And then…. she showed me her profile.
All I could say was: “Oh my God, I love you… But what the hell were you thinking babe? “
Rachel: Is it bad? (big cheesy grin on her face)
Me: Ummm… It’s pretty terrible.
At which we are both almost on the floor in hysterics. That’s why I love her… She never takes offence to my honesty….and it is such a relief to just able to just say exactly what I am thinking to her without the fear of an insulting or offending her.
Me: Your profile pic looks like you are about to be executed… Why aren’t you smiling?
Rachel: Oh I hate stupid photos, this is just soooooo not me… (eyes rolling)
Me: And what’s this?

“I’m idealistic and want to rescue all the sad dogs, cats, donkeys and pigs in the world…”

“WTF Babe???? Are you deliberately trying to scare all the men off?”
Rachel: But I loooove animals…..
Me: “I know you do babe… But you are not advertising for a zookeeper.“

Now the thing is……..this is Rachel to the T. She has one of the biggest, most caring hearts EVER and if she had her way she would be living on some small holding or farm where she could save all the lost animals of the world. (yes even the pigs) She has already had an up-teem number of rescue dogs over the years… (all of which she has painted …please see attached paintings below…..did I mention she is an amazing pet artist? Oh my God, she is going to kill me for adding those😂😂) So I get it….why shouldn’t she be honest about this? In an ideal world, it sounds logical. But honestly, in my opinion, it’s one of the biggest mistakes that so many people, especially women, make when writing their online profiles. While I will not deny that there will definitely be a selection of men that do in fact, share her “animal rescue dream”… Most men don’t really fantasize about living in a pet sanctuary. Her upfront honesty about sharing the thing that she loves the most has the potential to scare men off, way before they even get to meet her. Way before they see first-hand how kind and caring she is. Way before they see how funny, sweet and genuine she is. Way before they get to fall in love with her and decide that living in a zoo is a small price to pay if they get to spend the rest of their lives with gorgeous her. Once she met someone she will very soon be able to gauge if this is the type of guy that enjoys animals or not….and then SHE can decide. But she frankly just needs to give guys a little more time to see the whole picture of ‘her’ first. I love that I was able to be completely honest with her about this and that she didn’t take offence. (in the slightest🤗)

And on that note, I just have to mention my newest friend Layla… I pretty much feel like I can say anything to her. She has recently come out of a divorce after an 18-year marriage. I feel, deeply, that she needs strong guidance from a qualified single expert ( Ummm that would be me!🤗 ) So I read her the riot act regularly…..our conversations go something like this:
Me: Babe, I’m being absolutely serious here! You aren’t ever going to do that again, are you…?
Layla: No babe definitely not!
Me: Ummm…dont think I haven’t noticed that you absolutely never follow my advice…
Layla: No babe I promise THIS TIME I will listen to you…. (always said with sweetest girl scout, butter wouldn’t melt look on her face) At which point we are both laughing so much it hurts because we both know she is going to do exactly what she wants anyway… (don’t we all?🤷‍♀️) But she humours me so well and I love her too for it! (Random thought: I am way too bossy to be a life coach!) For me being able to speak your truth to a friend and feel comfortable enough to know that they will listen, but maybe not agree is indispensable.

No 3: They give you the most amazing gift of ‘time’. I think one of the sweetest compliments I have ever been given was by another lifer-friend of mine, Simone. Simone has known me since university and what she said was this: “What I love about you is that you always seem to find time for everyone…I used to get exhausted watching you be friends with so many people when we were students”. Of course, Simone has also pointed out on numerous occasions that I am overly concerned about what everyone thinks of me and that I need to get over myself!😐 Kudos to her for being that honest, authentic say-it-as-it-is friend. (That’s why I love her!!!) She is absolutely correct on both accounts. IT IS exhausting trying to care about everyone! It feels like I spent the good part of my 20’s and 30’s with a “please love me” sticker tattooed in florescent pink on my forehead irrespective of how much other people valued me as a friend. So as I got older I started to ‘try’ a little less and ‘define’ a little more who my core friendship group really is.

Urban dictionary : When you list a person as a #core, you view them as being a fixture in your life; you can’t imagine your life without them. You view them as family and essentially as an extended part of yourself.

We all essentially have different values when it comes to what we are looking for in our core friendships….often finding people that share similar values is what actually bonds us closer together. For me, one of my values is most definitely time. It doesn’t have to be a lot….if you are living on the other side of the world….( as most of my friends are ) its a simple text, a phone call to say ‘hey I’m thinking of you“. Rachel and I came to the same conclusion about 3 years ago that we wanted to make more of a concerted effort to actually spend more time together. Maybe it was the whole turning ’40’ thing that hit us simultaneously- but we both just realized that using the excuse that I’m just too busy wasn’t good enough any more. The fact of the matter is..if you think you are too busy and don’t have any time then welcome to your reality …you are too busy and won’t have any time.

Core friendships are worth making the time for.

It’s as simple as that.
In our busy, hectic schedules seeing a great friend is like a breath of fresh air that leaves us feeling energized, refreshed and more ready to take on the world. And yes, even I will (reluctantly) admit that our girlfriends can often give us more empathy and understanding than some men can. ( Not ALL men mind you! Just some😉) Rachel and I didn’t spend hours together every week …..it was literally a one-hour dog walk ( with all her crazy rescue pets😂) -usually on Sundays. That was enough. It honestly didn’t break the ‘time’ bank. So I while I am here – I want Rachel to know that I am so more grateful for that one hour a week – than I could ever express. Her ‘time’ during my mother’s illness (and afterwards), while I was processing so much, has been one of the most amazing gifts for me. So thank you, my friend!

So now I think I am done and I am going to end this post like one of those horrendously, awful chain letters (that we STILL always seem to get😂) and say this:

Message your core friends today. Tell them that you love them. Tell them that you value them….better yet invite them out for coffee and tell them in person why they are so special to you.

And I promise you this:

If you do this you will be rewarded with…ummm absolutely nothing!! Not a thing! The only thing you will be left with is that slightly warm, fuzzy feeling that comes from knowing that you purposefully chose to connect with someone and make their day a little brighter. Can there be any better feeling than that?

Now DO IT….NOOOWWWW DAMMIT ALL!!!!😂
Love always
The SUPER bossy Life coach😉

Ps…thanks for my two single friendees…..that have given me free reign to dissect their dating experiences in public!!

PPS….I revamped Rachel’s profile for her and….(low and behold) she has already been on two dates this week….maybe going for her third!!! (Go Rachy- find your Dr Doo Little!!! He is out there!!!)🐶🐱🐰🐷🐴)

Orloff, J. (2019). Top 10 Traits of an Empath – Judith Orloff MD. [online] Judith Orloff MD. Available at: https://drjudithorloff.com/top-10-traits-of-an-empath/ [Accessed 27 Feb. 2019].