Approximate reading time: 11 min

It has been a good week.

Lots of news!

I have had another really lovely week in the same school, working with the same autistic boy. I really love doing the one-to-one work and not having to worry about the whole class for a change. I have one more week with them.

On Tuesday, I got 75 new subscribers!

75 NEW subscribers who, incidentally, were all men!!

That’s right 75 MEN

Of course when I checked my blog visitors page out for that same day only 2 people had actually read my post….which led to the oh-so-depressing conclusion that they were all

that I have NO DOUBT were sent by the

that I was warning you all about last week.

(See it is even growing a sense of humour!)

is alive and well people!

(From now on all keywords will be cut and PASTE in this blog!)

(No. I am not paranoid!)

(Maybe a wee little bit?)

So this week I have been thinking a lot about synchronicity….

I handed in my proposal

For the first time in months, I am not thinking about research.

Sooooo much free space in my head

How on earth do I fill it?

(My self-imposed YouTube ban is not helping!)

The teacher that I am working with is 27 and has been regaling me with all her online dates this week.

(I found myself feeling…um…ever so slightly jealous!)

On Wednesday I had lunch with my 86-year-old friend George whom I have known for 15 years.

I adore George.

He always takes me to these beautiful, fancy restaurants that I would never normally go to.

This time it was a French restaurant in Piccadilly called Zedels.

(I ate a snail)

I only see George about once a year….but I love our lunch dates.

We eat, we talk and we laugh!

(Every time I see him he says something along the lines of: “You have a book inside of you!”

Which tears me up….because my dad always used to say that to me)

I consistently come away from our time together feeling loved, appreciated and connected.

(Quiet mental thought: I could use more of this!)

I am currently editing some poems from some of my online dating attempts in 2021

For the record I have

OFFICIALLY been single for 7 years.

It’s not as terrifying as it sounds, I promise!;-)

I have healed a lot.

I have learnt a lot.

I am a stronger person for having had that time to myself.

So far, I have messaged 15 men, and I have 3 dates lined up this week.

The tides are changing people!!!!!!

Watch this space.

Moving on to more serious and far less frivolous matters.

I mentioned a couple of weeks ago how our landlord was going bankrupt.

We were contacted by the receivership company informing us that from now on all rental payments needed to go to them otherwise, they would be suing us for unpaid rent.

On informing our landlord that we would not be paying them anymore…. we have consequently been sent another long legal letter

(That I don’t understand a word of)

stating why we are legally obliged to continue paying them and that if we don’t pay them they too will be suing us.

Frankly it’s a fucking mess.

Trying to figure out who the correct legal recipient should be is a bit of a nightmare.

All I want to do is pay my RENT and be done with it!

Luckily Richard has a lawyer friend who has started helping us and she has advised us that legally we shouldn’t pay either of them because this whole situation puts us in “an untenable position”

(which in layman’s terms means we are fucked no matter what we do.)

If we end up paying the wrong one we could be liable to repay the rent to the correct one if it goes to court.

So she has advised us NOT to pay any rent until she has been able to figure it out or until both other parties sort out their shit and come to an agreement that doesn’t leave us stuck in no man’s land.

OH MY GOD!!!!

The stress people!

I have NEVER NOT paid my rent in my life!

Now we could have TWO people suing us.

Thank Goodness Richard has taken over all the communication with them from now on, ’cause frankly, let’s face it… I am not built for this shit!

He sent both parties an extremely impressive, legal-sounding letter yesterday informing them of our decision.

So we wait with bated breath.

I would just like to say… it’s hard work being an outlaw…the fear of being imprisoned looms.

But I am very grateful that if I do land up in jail Richard and Teresa will be by my side.

We must focus on the positives.

Written the 9th September 2021

Presence

It’s pretty amazing

How calm I feel

This feeling inside

 Is slightly surreal

Happy, contented

Like I’m completely in love…

Such a delightful feeling

To feel so enough…

Wonder at everything

Everything I see

Satisfied and happy

Just able to be

Not pushing down parts

I have so long despised

Learning to embrace them

With maternal eyes

Let go of the past

Forgive my mistakes

Take off my bandages

Know I won’t break

*******

I even started online dating

 OMG imagine that!

(I honestly never thought

 I’d be able to go back.)

But something has shifted

Deep inside of me

Could it be that I’m finally

 “adulting?”

Every match that I get

(Every message that is ignored)

Simply doesn’t have

The same effect as before

It’s this motherly voice

Constantly reminding me

“Clearly that man

Wasn’t meant to be

Just keep going

Have fun with it

Somewhere out there

Is a man who will fit.”

It’s been interesting reading

Through all of my poems

So proud of how much

 I have emotionally grown

So fearful at the start

 So desperate to fit in….

My greatest lesson,

Has essentially been…

I don’t have to fit

Not one bit at all

I can just be myself

Confident and sure

Let go of the ‘good girl’

who is persistently ‘nice’

Conscious of how

She comes with a high price

Squashing down my thoughts

Never finding my own words

Mimicking others

A human mockingbird

Anticipating their needs

Filling them in

A Life Painted by number’s

Triggers a flat tailspin

Of hidden resentment and anger

 (If others don’t do the same)

Honestly, it’s truly

An exhausting fucking game

So, I’d rather be authentic

Own what I feel

It might make others uncomfortable

But at least I’ll be real

I’ll know myself

I’ll know what I want

I’ll have healthy boundaries

No longer nonchalant

With my feelings

 With my emotions

With what I NEED

More comfortable in my skin

Able to let go and just breathe

A steadfast fidelity

To my own inner truth

To show up and reclaim

What I didn’t learn in my youth

So, thank you for sharing

My gratitude poem…

So grateful to feel like

I finally found home

It’s not in a school

 In a house

 or with my tribe

It’s being present in my skin:

Happy to be alive!

Written 12th of September

An ode to ‘skin’

Excited to have

My first date in two years

The last date I had

I ended up in tears…

After 30 minutes of chatting

 I got sent on my way

“You look nothing like your photos

 at the end of the day.”

 I remember my heartbreaking

 I felt shamed to the core

I felt old and ugly

I couldn’t do this anymore

I couldn’t understand how anyone

 could be so hurtful and unkind…

(This hobbit of a man

Who was anything but ‘fine’)

So, I cried for a couple of hours

 I felt sad for 2 days

while contemplating why

Do I give my power away?

After a week

The anger finally kicked in…

(Which lessened the burn

Of the emotional sting)

But in fairness looking back

It was the last knock I could take

As I felt all my confidence wither and break

So, I put the apps away

I needed to love me…

To stop giving my power

To every

Tom

DICK

And Harry

*******

So, I’m now grateful to be back

On the proverbial dating horse

My heart feels open

My faith re-enforced

In the goodness of humans

(Not all Men are Shits)

More able and ready

To focus on the positives

********

Well, it was the shortest fucking date

In my dating history

It took 17 minutes

for Jonothan to dump me

Now in fairness, Jono

 (Yes, that’s his real name)

 I honestly don’t care

If this causes you any shame…

Because it’s dicks like you

That ruins it for the rest

Genuine people out there

Wanting to connect

When I said I don’t drink

(It’s on my bloody profile)

The look on your face

was positively vile

“Well, that’s awkward”

You said

 (You were clearly not impressed…)

And on that one mere fact

The all of me was assessed

So, I’m making conversation

While listening to your fake laugh

(Dude one thing I’m not

 is boring by far)

I stop chatting and give you

 The chance to fill the space

 After 1 minute of silence

I’m told to my face

“I think we need to address

the elephant in the room”

(Oh my god

Good Lord

Are we here so soon?)

“We have nothing in common

we are definitely not a match”

Point made loud and clear

(He doesn’t think I’m a catch)

I laughed out loud

“Yes, I totally agree”

(Frankly your squint bug eye

Would really annoy me.)

But I like giving people a chance

 For me attraction can grow

It takes time to build a connection

It takes time to get to know…

Who a person is

 What’s really in their heart

 (How do people dismiss others

 so easily from the start?)

A little shocked he wanted

To end the date ASAP

Word to the effect…

 He’d have nothing to say to me

So, as I stood on Embankment pier

All alone

I pondered these feelings

that were a little unknown

at this sad

close-minded man

 (Who clearly wasn’t ever

 going to be a real fan)

He spared me

a pretty boring date

that I felt something other than hate

Slight irritation yes

 (Let’s face it he was rude)

But a deeper disappointment

I wasn’t going to get food!

I was starving you know!!

I only eat one meal a day

And my house was now

45 minutes away!

How dare he dump my arse

Before I’m full!

     Honestly Jono

That really wasnt cool!

So, I ordered my usual

 (Saturday night Chinese)

And climbed onto the tube

slightly relieved

Some random guy’s opinion

barely affected me this time

That’s progress

 I’m so proud

of this skin of mine!