Written the 19th June 2021
I woke up this morning
I lay awake
Willing myself
a fresh start to make
Conscious now
a fundamental shift in me
Not so tormented
by dreaded anxiety
Except for the last two weeks
(since my wrathful birthday poem)
Fury, anger and rage
will not leave me alone
It’s like I opened Pandora’s box
All these emotions cascading out
They mock me with scorn
They brazenly flout
So, lying in bed
I try to connect with me
to pinpoint in my body
where this rage might be
My jaw is clenched
My entire face feels tight
But strangely enough
my chest is alright
I have been so fucking angry
barely been able to write
not an ounce of creativity
anywhere in sight
(Well, that’s not true
I have been painting
every day
Somehow zoning out quietly
helps me feel OK
I don’t have to describe
I don’t have to explain
I don’t have to justify
my anger once again)
Because the truth is I don’t
Understand this blackness in my soul
never trusting anyone
never feeling whole
Is it the hypocrisy of the world
All that we are
Or simply feeling like a victim
to my own authenticity scar
A world full of mannequins
pretending to be real
Never really knowing
how to genuinely feel
It runs throughout
my whole entire being
but the fakeness of others
is not all that I am seeing
Because am I
not the one
so caught in her head
worrying what others think
unable to share
Swallowing down pain
bitterness and rage
To fearful to bring it out
Into the light of the day
Because if I’m genuinely authentic
If I own my disgust and core shame
Then nobody will love me
People will simply walk away
But I’m slowly starting to get
how my own “inauthenticity”
is strangling the absolute
life out of me
I can’t keep saying I’m fine
Yes I am perfectly OK
when I’m really and truly not
at the end of the day
I’m hurt, I’m angry
I have so much fucking shame
being inauthentic to myself
is driving me insane
So, I’m starting to speak up
I’m starting to find my voice
To own my feelings
and realise I have a choice
To be myself
shadow parts and all
if others are uncomfortable
they are welcome to find the door