Oh My God, I’m on a roll!! 🙂
5th post in 10 days!!
It’s amazing how much easier it’s getting to click that little
(Could the internal angst be subsiding?)
Although that being said….I still don’t share my blog posts on Facebook or Instagram.
I used to when I posted a couple of years ago…. I think in hindsight I felt driven by this desperate need to get out into the world
do something,
be pro-active
FACE your FEARS
BE BRAVE!!!!!
And oh so sadly
“find some validation!!!”
(Hell, for a while there I even wanted to start my own utube channel!
Whyyyyyyyyy?
I hate public speaking!)
So I’m proud to say I ‘think’ I have grown (somewhat) since then!
At the moment I kinda like the idea of just sharing with a few…..
It’s kinda like fate!
Like if you are supposed to get something from my writing then you will find me:-)
(Walaaaaa …….
Magical thinking at its best!!!:-)
Maybe I will get brave enough for the masses again one day…..
but at the moment feeling emotionally safe simply means listening to my gut!
‘Red Hot Shame’ was the first poem I ever wrote.
Friendships for me have always felt a little bit like a minefield.
Just when you think you have landed on soft, kind grass you get blown to smithereens, yet again.
For many years I felt like my friendship barometer was fundamentally fucked!
Disclaimer: To all of my friends who’ve stuck with me through the years
Who have sat by patiently, mopping my tears!
(No, I’m not talking about you!)
Friendships are something that I will revisit numerous times in the next couple of months. (Cause frankly I have written a shit load about them in the last two years!)
This poem for me was the starting point of me finally starting to wake up to how much of my power I had given away, for decades, to unhealthy people.
I shudder, a little, when I look back now at how I turned ‘fitting in’ into a full-time vocation.
How I wasted so much energy desperately trying to be liked.
Trying not to be overly sensitive to shitty comments that were passed in the name of jest.
Pretending to think things were funny….when (for me) they were not!
How I spent so much time pouring my heart and emotions out to people who in the big scheme of things, quite simply didn’t care.
It was truly and utterly fucking exhausting.
(Talking about ‘other people’ being unhealthy?……)
Uhhmmmmm…….
My therapist noted to me years ago how he found it interesting that
‘You always allow people to choose you!’
I think that comment took mmmmm…..about 6 years to actually sink in.
Nowadays I am a lot more selective about who I spend my time with.
My NUMBER ONE criteria for my newly upgraded and revamped friendship barometer is quite simply
Do I like the person
am when I’m with them?
(Written 26th December 2020)
The sun is shining, I feel pure warmth, my heart it overflows.
Happiness, kindness, compassion and love I feel its tender glow.
I reach across, that tender divide my heart now healed and safe.
I feel its strength, I know its depth, yet comes, the familiar chafe.
Those toxic tentacles, so carefully masked as humour and jovial jest.
My stomach sinks my heart is cold, a familiar tightness grabs my chest.
To defend, my words become my sword, my ego is inflamed.
I lash out bitterly, ever strong, two can play this noxious game.
As bitter words, tumble out.
I’m so ashamed to see….
A foreigner, a stranger
so far from the usual me.
Indifference, cold, judgement, and loss; the poison seeps slowly in.
My cheeks are flushed, my heart is hurt, red hot shame creeps across my skin.
Breathe in deep, go have a sleep.
Remember shame doesn’t last.
Be kind to yourself, give yourself time.
Know this feeling too shall pass.
Another lesson learnt through tightly gritted teeth
I cut, I wound, I bleed.
Next time I’ll save my open heart
for friends that value me.
