Oh My God, I’m on a roll!! 🙂

5th post in 10 days!!

It’s amazing how much easier it’s getting to click that little

(Could the internal angst be subsiding?)

Although that being said….I still don’t share my blog posts on Facebook or Instagram.

I used to when I posted a couple of years ago…. I think in hindsight I felt driven by this desperate need to get out into the world

do something,

be pro-active

FACE your FEARS

BE BRAVE!!!!!

And oh so sadly

“find some validation!!!”

(Hell, for a while there I even wanted to start my own utube channel!

Whyyyyyyyyy?

I hate public speaking!)

So I’m proud to say I ‘think’ I have grown (somewhat) since then!

At the moment I kinda like the idea of just sharing with a few…..

It’s kinda like fate!

Like if you are supposed to get something from my writing then you will find me:-)

(Walaaaaa …….

Magical thinking at its best!!!:-)

Maybe I will get brave enough for the masses again one day…..

but at the moment feeling emotionally safe simply means listening to my gut!

‘Red Hot Shame’ was the first poem I ever wrote.

Friendships for me have always felt a little bit like a minefield.

Just when you think you have landed on soft, kind grass you get blown to smithereens, yet again.

For many years I felt like my friendship barometer was fundamentally fucked!

Disclaimer: To all of my friends who’ve stuck with me through the years

Who have sat by patiently, mopping my tears!

(No, I’m not talking about you!)

Friendships are something that I will revisit numerous times in the next couple of months. (Cause frankly I have written a shit load about them in the last two years!)

This poem for me was the starting point of me finally starting to wake up to how much of my power I had given away, for decades, to unhealthy people.

I shudder, a little, when I look back now at how I turned ‘fitting in’ into a full-time vocation.

How I wasted so much energy desperately trying to be liked.

Trying not to be overly sensitive to shitty comments that were passed in the name of jest.

Pretending to think things were funny….when (for me) they were not!

How I spent so much time pouring my heart and emotions out to people who in the big scheme of things, quite simply didn’t care.

It was truly and utterly fucking exhausting.

(Talking about ‘other people’ being unhealthy?……)

Uhhmmmmm…….

My therapist noted to me years ago how he found it interesting that

‘You always allow people to choose you!’

I think that comment took mmmmm…..about 6 years to actually sink in.

Nowadays I am a lot more selective about who I spend my time with.

My NUMBER ONE criteria for my newly upgraded and revamped friendship barometer is quite simply

Do I like the person

am when I’m with them?

(Written 26th December 2020)

The sun is shining

I feel pure warmth

My heart it overflows

Happiness, kindness, compassion

And love

I feel the gentle glow

I reach across, that tender divide

My heart now healed and safe

I feel its strength

I know its depth

Yet comes, the familiar chafe

Those toxic tentacles

So carefully masked

As humour and jovial jest

My stomach sinks

My heart is cold

A familiar tightness grabs my chest

To defend, my words

Become my sword

My ego is inflamed

I lash out bitterly

Ever strong

Two can play this noxious game

As bitter words

Tumble out

I’m so ashamed to see….

A foreigner, a stranger

So far away from the usual me

Indifference, cold

Judgement, and loss

The poison seeps slowly in

My cheeks are flushed

My heart is hurt

Red hot shame creeps across my skin

Breathe in deep

Go have a sleep

Remember shame doesn’t last

Be kind to yourself

Give yourself time.

Know this feeling, too shall pass

Another lesson learnt

Through tightly gritted teeth

I cut

I wound

I bleed

Next time I’ll save my open heart

For friends who value me