Written the 31st July 2021
I have been speaking to my therapist
about honesty
something that has lately
been bothering me
I write all my stories
I often wonder if
my view is jaded
Jaded as shit
I mean everything I write
just comes from me
is it only my perception
the truth that I see?
So, this adds to my confusion
utter feelings of being fake
how can I have a voice…
when others have a different take?
Perhaps it’s not their view
Not what went down for them
This now is where
so much of my anxiety stems
The shame the rage
that I might start to feel
if others don’t appreciate
how I reveal
What’s going on for me
in my little world
how I might not cope
when judgment is hurled
But then as always
the universe sends help
To assist me as my paranoia
starts to slowly swell
“Discovering the inner mother”
by Bethany Webster
A beautiful panacea
To feel instantly better
So much comfort and peace
When you realise you’re not alone
listening to other women
who have also never felt at home
Not comfortable in their skin
or at peace in their soul
lost and confused
never feeling quite whole
Acknowledging
the internal
chaotic
bumbling mess
That manifests when your feelings
were never healthily expressed
When as a child the mirroring
that you so desperately would need
Simply wasn’t available
to bring you up to speed
So, a healthy sense of self
Can begin to flourish and grow
Strong secure attachments
start to slowly show
It’s so sad and a little scary
when you begin to finally see
How many people in this world
Are simply struggling to be
So many shame-based parents
Still besieged out there
So emotionally shut down
Unable to model healthy care
Bethany talks about the reality
That you will never truly heal
unless you own your hurt
acknowledge how YOU feel
You can’t live in denial
of what went wrong for you
it’s not about blaming others
for what they couldn’t do
But if you want to finally step
into genuine adult shoes
Then learning to find your voice
is something you MUST do.
Others have their own versions
and they too can always share
find the courage to speak up
put their own stories out there
I am reminded of Brene Brown
(My vulnerability hero)
Regurgitating her quote into rhyme
Hold your hat, here I go
“There are a million cheap seats
in the world today
Of people who avoid the arena
who don’t dare to say
This is who I am
this is who I want to be
I want to create and build
something that is uniquely me
I want to show up
I want to be seen
and if you do the same
there will be only one guarantee
If courage is your value
you will get your arse kicked
You will be criticized by people
who simply don’t get it
But if they are sitting in the cheap seats
not putting their heart on the line
Then I respectfully will remind myself
all of the time
I’m not interested in your feedback
on how I run my show
I’m doing what feels right for me
and that’s all that I need to know.”
So Thank you,
Brene and Bethany too
And so many of the other amazing people
who’ve quietly helped me through
for sharing your stories
having the courage to be seen
For reminding me continually
I can only be me