Approximate reading time: 7min

It has been a bit of an up-down week.

We received a letter from the receivership company’s solicitors informing us they are applying for a court order to have our flat repossessed.

(It wasn’t a great day.)

It triggered quite a lot of emotions in me.

There was a colossal amount of crying

(For about 1.25 hours)

It took me back to 2020 when I was illegally evicted from my last house.

I think that was probably one of the worst periods of my life, ever.

(My mum dying was pretty awful but in hindsight, I was surrounded by people I loved.

I felt supported and contained…

plus I felt like I had a purpose…

I just had to be there for her.)

All I felt in 2020 was alone.

As painful as that time was, I learnt a lot.

I can appreciate the growth and understanding I got from it

about how I continually allow these toxic people into my life…..

but the fear of landing back into that type of situation still looms.

A tad dramatic, I know,

(Why veer from normal?)

but I realise that a part of me died that year.

The part of me that trusted the world implicitly and genuinely believed that despite all the darkness out there most people were fundamentally good and worthy of trust. I am aware that that experience was just another, in a long line of experiences that ultimately forced me to take off my rose-coloured tinted glasses.

I was on the tube this week and I saw someone travelling with a suitcase that had:

bedazzled on it.

I had to chuckle to myself quietly as my initial thought was:

“Idiot!”

(I could have accepted “I love New York”,

or “I love London”

or even “I love Mexico”

But the whole world??? )

My second thought was then:

“Oh Good God I’ve been re-born a cynic!”

I do sometimes miss the idealising, all-accepting, all-loving, haplessly hopeful part of myself,

but I have come to value the new part that has taken its place, just a wee bit more.

This part is a tad more judgemental,

a little bit harsher,

a little bit wiser

And on the whole a shit load more discerning.

This part no longer believes the world is fundamentally good,

but she 100% believes that there are

people out there.

(FYI: There is a

but subtle distinction.)

As I sat and cried with my flatmates I realised that this was not 2020 anymore….

and that I am not alone.

I am now flanked, surrounded and loved by genuine, caring, kind friends that have my back.

That lesson alone has been invaluable.

Richard’s lawyer friend has reassured us that it will take them at least 6 months before all of this has been finalised…and our lease expires at the end of July…so we will be ok.

WE WON’T BE HOMELESS

OR IMPRISONED!!!!

Happy days!

We have decided to start looking for our new home together in a couple of months.

(Universe, I’m putting in an early request for a landlord that cares about their tenants next time around please)

Speaking about discernment.

I had two, second dates this week.

Without going into too much detail

(Because Carry Bradshaw I am not)

I decided two dates were enough,

in both counts.

One date, was really sweet…but didn’t get my sense of humour.

(At all)

The other date

ONLY

got my sense of humour,

and very little else.

(In fairness I had my suspicions about these points after both first dates …but I thought I’d give it a little time)

I’ll admit I had significantly more invested in the funny man.

We spent two weeks watsapping craziness to each other

which was ever sooooo entertaining.

(There is nothing more intoxicating than someone who gets your sense of humour.)

(Mmmmm except maybe someone who is genuinely invested in actually getting to know you

maybe?)

Woman cannot live on funniness alone.

(Well this woman sure as hell can’t)

I found myself feeling infinitely less likeable as a human being

after my second date with the funny man ended.

(Vague recollections of being here before?)

I took it as a sign that maybe he isn’t the right person for me….

because these days I kinda think I’m pretty likeable.

(In my own quirky way of course.)

I’m not perfect.

I don’t expect perfection.

But I do need a multifaceted man,

that is happy with the ‘package’ that is me….

…as I am.

The list is growing.

So I am officially taking a break from my dating challenge.

Just taking a breather, while I spend the next 10 days looking after her royal cuteness!

And just because I am feeling ever so slightly deflated at the moment

I am going to post one of my all-time favourite proposal scenes….

just to give the romantic in me a little pick-me-up.

Written the 17th September 2021

Internal Dialogues

“I am here to listen

To what you need to say

What’s going on

In your body today?“

My chest feels tight

Like I want to cry

 So confused by this child

I’m not going to lie

An autistic boy

In my year two class

 I just feel so stuck

Stuck at an impasse

I’ll be teaching these kids

For the next two weeks

So, I’m trying to figure out

 the best technique…

To work with a child

Whose listening skills

Are a little out of whack

A little over the hill

The advice I’ve been given

(From all other staff)

 He only responds to yelling

(No, they’re not having a laugh)

Last year in year one

I taught this poor child

 I was at a loss as to how

To help him calm down

The next-door teacher entered

She started screaming at him

Honestly, it all felt a tad bit grim

But he listened of course

He calmed right down

 The change in him

Was scarily profound

But here lies the problem

As far as I can see

Screaming at children

Is just not me

I don’t care if it “works”

(As others have said)

How is this child

Ever going to get ahead?

 I watched in heartbreak

As his mother shrieked yesterday

There absolutely has to be

A kinder, better way

Because if he is yelled at at home

Screamed at at school

Then life for this child

Must seem pretty cruel

A world that is scary

No genuine attachments can form

 When anger and hostility

Is your basic norm

So, this time I don’t feel like

 I can sit by, say nothing

How is turning a blind eye

At all, ever loving?

I’m just feeling overwhelmed

A bit confused

Which is why internal mother

I have come to you

” I know you feel turmoil

A little lost

As you search for your answers

whatever the cost

But remember change doesn’t come

From a place of lack

Or when people feel like

They are under attack

So just breathe and have compassion

For him and for the staff

 (Who are doing their best on his behalf!)

Remember his parents

Won’t allow him to be assessed

Without an intervention plan

His behaviour is hard to address…

But mostly have compassion

For your own inner child

Hold space for her pain

The feelings of her exiles

Simply start recognising

How she amalgamates all of her fears

With that of this child

(So it appears)

Remind her she is safe

And that she will find a way

To help this little boy

At the end of the day“