Approximate reading time: 4 minutes

Last week was a super chilled week.

I had two days of lectures and two days with lovely Bailey.

Dolly’s mum has decided to send Dolly to doggy daycare during the week so now I only have Bailey to contend with. I have to admit it’s much easier having one doggy child to look after.

I feel like the last couple of years have very much been, for me, about learning to let go of time. For years I listened to all sorts of self-help advice about the importance of setting goals, having a plan and seizing every day like it was your last!!

(All that you can sleep when you are dead garbage!)

And frankly, it was exhausting….hell it’s exhausting even thinking about it now.

I am a qualified life coach and I don’t believe in goals!

Don’t get me wrong I am not saying there is anything wrong with goal setting…..if it works for you GREAT!

But for me, it felt like I was continually stuck on this ‘time’ treadmill trying to achieve stuff with this elusive goal of eventually achieving ‘happiness‘ and ‘contentment’.

When I first read the poem below it made me smile at how different my life is these days compared to two years ago.

I don’t feel like I am on that treadmill anymore.

I have no goals

I have no plans

I have no POSITIVE intentions that I am trying to manifest!

Hell, I don’t even know what I am going to do with my attachment master’s degree when I am finished.

All I know is that I love the journey of everything that I am doing at the moment.

I love that I have created a life for myself that somehow manages to get all my bills paid

(and then some)

and that allows me lots of free time to write.

I love that I have a whole host of various jobs…all of which I enjoy and that I no longer feel tied to one job that continually leaves me feeling exhausted and miserable.

My only intention

every single day

is that I take care of myself and that I am present in the moment.

That I love myself, no matter what!

(Even on those days that I am a duckling murderer!;-)

Random info:

I have recently decided I am a country girl!

My song at the moment, playing on repeat!:-)

(Standing Room Only by Tim Mc Graw: https://youtu.be/bNa60XfUFmk)

l

19th May 2021

Time for everything

I burst into tears

at school today

I was anxious and someone

tried to say

“You need to calm down

 don’t always get such a fright

don’t be so jumpy

everything is alright”

It’s like something snapped

 (inside of me)

Please don’t tell me how

I’m supposed to be

Do you think its fun

 jumping out of my skin?

Or that I’m always anxious

as the day begins?

My startle response

 doesn’t have a switch off

if it did I would flip

the fucking thing off of course

But I’m working the best

the best that I can

to manage my stress

get the upper hand….

I’m seeing my therapist

 weekly again

(I haven’t needed that since

I don’t know when)

Massages once a week

and now my yoga class

I’ll do whatever it takes

 to help this pass….

I worked out that I spend

£800 a month….

On things to help me

calm the fuck down

I could have booked

a flight to Hawaii for that price

But I’m determined to rather

 lessen my hearts vice

I write

I paint

I meditate…

But yes, at times

I still don’t feel great

School days are like sausages

Just completely stuffed

You never have enough time

to feel good enough…

(Except feeling good enough,

shouldn’t be a conditional state….

If I get through all my work

 then I can feel great?)

Dammit all it’s so hard

being so bloody self-aware

you can never just have

a good rant and swear

****

My massage therapist said….

You need to slow down

your body is so tight

from always rushing around

I know I walk fast

 this has always been the case

Mindful my life

is this manic mental race

So as hard as it is

 I’m consciously aware

To slow down and simply

start to take care

For the last few years

my mantra has been

‘Everything always works out for me. “

It’s amazing how true

 this has become

so grateful for all

I have now done

So maybe from here on my mantra

Should be:

There is plenty, oh so plenty

of time for me

To do everything that

I need to get through

No point in worrying about

what you cannot do

*****

So, all in all

 it’s been a good day

Apologies were made

and I got to say:

“I have no control

over my startle response

Yes, I wish I could be

more nonchalance

But I’m doing my best

to work on my anxiety

Please just have

a little patience with me.”

Quiet recognition:

Connections can break and repair

I’m learning lessons slowly

I think I’m getting there