Approximate reading time: 15 min
I am moving tomorrow.
I am a bundle of exhausted, relieved emotions at the moment
These last 2 months all I have been watching on Netflix is the entire 10 series of Friends.
I’m not sure why.
I think I’ve been so all over the place that I just needed something comfortable and predictable to fall back into every night.
Something with no surprises.
The very first house that I lived in, in London, consisted of 28 people. I vividly remember us all piling excitedly into the lounge every week…..bodies scattered on the couches and floors for the next episode of Friends.
(AAh the good old days when you had TV shows to look forward to every week without the excessive binge-watching of an entire season in one night.)
It was our weekly ritual and I loved it.
I do, of course, realise that I am slightly addicted to zoning out in front of the screen for at least an hour every night.
It’s an incredibly bad habit to have.
I know, I know.
Shocking!!!
Why don’t I just read a book?
(I have no idea.)
My best friend Rachel reads tons of books
for fun!
Why didn’t I get the ‘reading for fun’ gene?
I mean, I read lots of books for growth and healing…..but for fun?
Urg no thank you…
I’d much rather numb out in front of a screen.
Unfortunately, I do realize that this habit has been
a loooog time in the making.
As a kid some of my family’s happiest most, calmest times were in front of that screen.
We didn’t really ‘do’ much together as a family.
If you had to ask me what my fondest childhood memories were I would probably say cuddling up in front of that TV watching The Cosby Show, The Wonder Years, The Golden girls and Magnum PI!
(OMG Tom Selleck is still one of the sexiest men alive!
And I got to see him in Friends!!)
I’m not blaming my parents mind you….my childhood coincided with the start of television in South Africa. Television broadcasts in the United Kingdom began in 1932 but South Africa took a good umm….44 years to catch up.
Our first screening was in 1976 when I was one years old.
Television was new.
It was exciting.
That’s what we did in the 70’s and 80’s.
I am a product of the times.
FYI in the last 6 years I HAVE quit smoking, drinking and pretty much all social media so I’m sure I’ll tackle this final vice at some point in time.
(Just not now please.)
Anyway, I am rambling ……
Let’s get back to my point.
It’s been quite interesting watching Friends again as an adult.
I have realised a lot:
For starters, I never noticed how most of the friend’s characters were pretty awful friends really.
Let’s see,
they spoke behind each other’s backs continuously,
they mocked each other regularly,
and they lied when they couldn’t deal with their own difficult emotions or when they didn’t want to deal with their friend’s negative emotions.
(I could go on, but this is definitely not going to be a “Friends” trashing piece.)
I have just found it quite interesting, re-watching it through my newly acquired ‘Attachment-Theory-lense’ , noticing how all of the characters seem to use insecure attachment strategies.
(In my humble-not-yet-fully qualified’ yet opinion)
So we have a show about neurotic, childlike, emotionally needy humans who have no idea how to behave like mature, healthy adults at the best of times.
And perhaps, that in itself is why so many people love the show?
Could it be that the totally flawed characters showcased the worst child parts of ourselves that we so often keep hidden?
Perhaps the beauty of sitcoms is that they help us laugh at ourselves and embrace those inner parts that we could quite easily shove into the deepest, darkest corner of our psyche and forget about.
(OR maybe that’s just what it feels like for me. 😉
A case in point would be:
In season 8 Monica throws a baby shower for Rachel and forgets to invite Rachel’s mum, Sandra. Monica is obviously mortified and phones Sandra, on the day of the shower, to apologise and to give her a last-minute invite to the party. Needless to say, when Sandra arrives at the baby shower she is not that enamoured with Monica.
(Understandably so)
The entire show then revolves around Monica’s mortifying embarrassing and utterly cringeworthy attempts at gaining Sandara’s forgiveness.
Right at the end of the episode when it becomes clear that Sandra is still not any closer to forgiving Monica…dear Pheobe gives her mildly exasperated
friend some brilliant and positively awful advice.
Phoebe tells Monica to stop apologising as she has already apologised multiple times before.
(Too True. One apology is ALWAYS enough.)
She then points out that Monica had just thrown her daughter a lovely baby shower and that Sandra hadn’t even bothered to thank her for it. She suggests to Monica that she should actually call Sandra out on her rudeness. Which is exactly what Monica does…yelling at Rachel’s mother telling her that the decent thing for her to do would be to ‘forgive her’ and that she was just being spiteful.
Watching this episode made me smile because it just personified the wounded good little girl who’s whole sense of self revolves around being liked and accepted and who is highly uncomfortable even sitting with any negative emotions.
I know this girl all too well, because I used to be her.
It made me think of a similar situation I had with a colleague a couple of years ago. She was someone with who I had always got along well. One day we had a slight disagreement about something….I honestly can’t remember what it was about…
(It was nothing huge)
But I do remember I had been a little dysregulated at the time and I had overreacted about something.
I went to see her the next day to apologise.
(These days I am pretty good at knowing when I have fucked up.)
She accepted my apology but for the next couple of days after that, it felt like she really HADN’T accepted it.
There was this, cold icy wall between us and I HATED it.
I couldn’t bear it!
I remember going to speak to my therapist beside myself with frustration……
“But I said sorry!!!!!
Why is she STILL angry with me????
How can I fix it?????”
My therapist very sage advice was:
“You can’t Gayle.
Just leave her, allow her the space to feel her anger”
It sounds like such a simple thing to say,
but for me at that point in my life ….it was mind-blowing.
You mean she is allowed to be angry
AFTER
I have already apologised?
NOOOOOOOO just push the button and make her FORGIVE ME!!!
I realised looking back that there was very little ‘reparation’ after arguments in my house while I was growing up.
More often than not, there was simply the silent treatment followed by the unbearable waiting period.
Waiting for forgiveness
Waiting for acceptance
Waiting to feel loved again
I then realised that I had carried this pattern into my adult life.
While I think I have learnt the beautiful value of ‘repair’ when a ‘rupture’ occurs in a relationship.
(ie Taking ownership of my part and apologising if I needed to)
What I wasn’t allowing room for was giving the other individual time to process and work through their own emotions. My inner child needed acceptance ASAP so that she could know that she was still valued and still loved. Sadly,if you don’t grow up with healthy parents who can contain your emotions as a child, parents who can provide that much-needed space for you to feel and express your feelings without the fear of rejection ….then you fail to learn that other people deserve the same treatment.
You can’t give what you never had.
I have to admit that day was one of those AHA moments in therapy that really stuck with me. As I have got healthier I have found myself able to contain my own emotions more which in turn has made it significantly easier to allow people the time they need to process their own emotions. I am more able to sit with that uncomfortable feeling of someone being annoyed with me and to know that it will pass.
Of course, my therapist was right, a couple of days after the incident my colleague and I bounced back to our usual cordialness. We survived the brief rupture in our relationship and it repaired on its own.
Forgiveness came naturally without me trying to control it.
It was a huge life lesson.
Of course, that being said, there are those relationships that don’t survive ruptures.
There are those friends who decide, for whatever reason, that you might not be worthy of forgiveness.
That is a whole other life lesson altogether:-)
Written 5th April 2022
Learning to shut up
I had an incredible
Therapy session today
I wasn’t manically rushing
Through all I needed to say
I felt grounded
I felt relaxed
I was more able to…
Make space for my therapist
Allow his words through
We spoke about anger
We spoke about rage
How they’ve both dominated
My life to this day
How this seething fury
Cascades underneath
Holding me back from connections
I so earnestly seek
He passed a comment that summed
It up perfectly for me
What the emotional terrain
Feels like internally
“It feels like with every disappointment
With every hurt
Another star gets obliterated
Shot down from earth
A deep loss of faith
That recurs repeatedly”
(How does he always find
My words so beautifully?)
It’s like my faith in humanity
Just takes another blow
Anger morphs into resentment
Of which I can’t let go
How I want to speak up
So desperately
Acknowledge all the hurts
Festering inside of me….
But my inner child is just
So incredibly petrified
It has rarely worked out
The many times I have tried
And we spoke about my good friend
Whom I haven’t spoken to in months
The crushing feelings it brings up
That I can’t seem to confront
The most ridiculous of arguments
(It was the silliest thing)
That blew up catastrophically
Like Guy Fawkes lit a string
I emailed to apologise
So long ago
I so desperately wanted to talk
I wanted to know
Could we salvage our friendship
Could we own our own hurts
Could we start to openly
And honestly converse
About these angry emotions
Of which neither of us could speak
Because I loved this person dearly
They meant so much to me
My friend acknowledged my email
They promised to respond
And I’ve waited and waited
As time’s slowly ticked on
And what’s left is this crevice
That is so incredibly deep
Filled with anger that I so desperately
Want to release
Because I know in my heart
And in my soul
Holding onto it keeps me
Stuck in this emotional black hole
But underneath the anger
Simmers isolation and pain
That someone I trusted could just
Up and walk away
That they couldn’t value
The beautiful friendship that we had
So many good years whitewashed
Away just like that
Was I so repugnant
Was I so unloveable
That just like that I could be banished
Completely cut from their world
And it triggers all these feelings
Of abandonment and disconnect
Grief for this amazing person
I thought would always be there
It was so healing and cathartic
To just give this pain space
To simply acknowledging how my anger
And sadness are interlaced
And then my therapist and I laughed
At how for so long
I dominated our conversations
(God I was headstrong)
How I used to shut him down
When he’d try to speak
“I’m paying for this session
You need to listen to me!”
Always said as a joke
(Of course, I’m not that rude)
But subconsciously I know
I meant it to be true
So, I got to thank him for listening
So incredibly well
For not passing judgment on
My frenzied little girl
For simply understanding
That this stuck part of me
Just needed a safe space
To be witnessed, to be seen
What if I’d got another therapist
One who didn’t understand
The importance of patience
And of NOT having a ‘plan’
Who secretly harboured an agenda
As to how I “should” heal
Who felt slightly irritated
By how much I over feel
Instead of just allowing me
That much-needed space
To heal and grow
At my own snail’s pace
And now I absolutely love
That each time we talk
I’m able to bring something to the table
That I might have previously corked
Be it an anger
An irritation
A look that he gave
“Um was there a hidden meaning
Behind that comment you made?”
It’s a greater sense of freedom
To be my neurotic self
And yet surprisingly being neurotic
Is quite simply not felt
Just a comfortableness slowly
Showing up honestly
And all I can say is “Thank you God”
For the gift of therapy