Approximate reading time: 5 min
Written 4th April 2022
It’s been a great week
Doing nothing so far
I made a pact with myself
That nothing would be barred
I can sleep when I like
I can stay in bed
If I don’t want to meditate
I’ll do nothing instead
If I want to just sit
Simply stare out my window
No part of me is even
Allowed to say no
If I’m feeling a little down
Feeling a little blue
I’m binging on copious
Amounts of junk food
If ‘Lachelle‘ wants a holiday
She can leave an almighty mess
She is not going to be judged
Or lambasted for this transgress
She changes my bedding
Religiously every week
Her fear of being judged ‘dirty’
By people’s critical critique
But seriously is the world
Truly going to fall apart
If I don’t listen to that relentless
Inner critic part
I mean who honestly gives a fuck
If I’m a couple of days late
Who exactly am I so worried
That I might alienate
I’m so tired of constantly
Trying to save face
Why can’t I let go of the control
And learn to embrace
Every single emotion
Every single thought
Instead of wasting time judging
So many of them as fraught
So, I made the decision
That for the next two weeks
I’m not allowed to judge
Or condemn ANY part of me
But funny what I have noticed
During this time
The only consistent thing
Is my continued play with rhyme
An Ode to Zhang
Yesterday, bizarrely
I got a random message from
My ex-boyfriend in South Africa
(Let’s call him Zhang)
Who recently started therapy
To heal his own wounds
He wanted to ask what lead
To our breakup so soon
It wasn’t coming from a place
Of wanting to reconnect
It was coming from a space
Of pure introspect
He’s recently married
He is blissfully happy
He seemed to just need
Some sort of clarity
And I noticed as I answered
(As honestly as I could)
More able to voice my experience
Make myself understood
I didn’t bottle down the truth
(To spare him the pain)
I did my best to try
And authentically explain
My side of the relationship
How it felt for me
Even though I knew that
He might not agree
For the record I was 40
When I dated this man
It was the most confusing relationship
I could never understand
Zhang was sweet
He was funny
He treated me well
Sex was pretty awesome
(OMG, I adored his smell!)
But one minute
I’d be happy
I’d be so much in love
The next I’d be sobbing
Just wanting out
We lasted so long
(A whole 6 months!)
Simply because he never said:
“That’s it!
I’m done!”
He had an inordinate amount
Of patience for me
While my inner child cried:
“Somethings wrong
Can’t you see?”
But as I have started to heal
And better understand
All the different parts of me
That were making demands
That I had no authentic ‘me’
To hold on to
As the voices commanded
I grow up and follow-through
“Commit dam it
Your maternal clock chimes
Make a decision
You are running out of time!”
While my inner child wept
“I can’t look after myself!”
“How in the world can I care
And love someone else?”
And yet she still clung
So desperately to him
While she secretly knew
He too couldn’t swim
He had so much childhood trauma
That he couldn’t even see
As he rushed around keeping
The whole world happy
His mum
His ex
His gorgeous little girl
With his job and his studies
I got lost in the swirl
And as much as Zhang tried
His best to understand
The overwhelming emotions
I was feeling first-hand
He had no capacity
At that particular point in time
Because he was struggling with wounds
So similar to mine
Two lost
Little children
Both looking for ‘home’
Both so desperately not wanting
To end up alone
And I knew
I knew
In the depth of my soul
Building a life on that foundation
Would leave a huge hole
And I loved him
I wanted to help him swim
But how could I help
When I myself
Was drowning
So, I made the hard decision
To choose myself
Even if that meant climbing
Back up on ‘the shelf.
And I knew
I had faith
That someway
Somehow
I would learn to regulate my emotions
I would eventually settle down
So Dearest Zhang
I just wanted to say
Thank you for reaching out
To me
Today
I can’t begin to explain
How therapeutic this has been
Allowing me to express my truth
(For simply listening)
I’m so grateful for the time
Together, we had
(Most of it wasn’t
All that bad ‘;-)
You are a wonderful man
With so much to give
Our time together was such
A truly precious gift
You have such a deep thirst
To learn and to grow
Your enthusiasm for life
Is what sets you aglow
I never told you but I googled
The gift you gave me
On my birthday when I turned
The “dreaded 40!”
The most beautiful
Thoughtful gift
I’ve EVER received
A silver-Chinese-baby-bracelet
For prosperity
And I still have it
My reminder
To never give up hope
And just for the record
My mother adored you so
Thank you for finding
The time to come connect
With her in the hospital
It meant so much that you cared
It’s the small things like that Zhang
That make you
YOU
I wish you nothing but the best
In all that you do
Thank you for being
Such a valuable piece
In this puzzle called life
And for helping me
Find me