Approximate reading time: 14 min

I am going to attempt to write something ‘fresh’ even though I don’t feel like writing AT ALL.

I have been sick for most of the weekend.

The inspiration is DEAD, I tell you.

Today, on the way to a babysitting job at

7:30 on A Sunday morning,

(Waaaaay too early on a weekend!!)

I decided to read some of my old dating posts.

I do that every now and then when I am scraping the barrel on creativity.

I like to remind my self that I do know how to produce funny, engaging pieces of writing, on the odd occasion, when I am not churning out morosely, depressing, slit your wrist pieces.

It worked.

I promised myself when I got home today ….I’d write one of the former.

Creative, funny and witty Gayle is in there SOMEWHERE!!

But alas, as I bang away at my keyboard at this particular point in time,

I might just need to accept that she is AWOL at the moment.

But slightly less funny and deeply introspective Gayle is here –

So, you have her instead 🙂

Happy days!

Two weeks ago, I went for a job interview that I was really excited about.

It was a school that I hadn’t been to before, but my teacher’s agent, who knows me and my ummm…. ‘particular needs’ well, couldn’t stop raving about it.

“This is the school for you, Gayle!

It’s amazing, it’s family orientated….there is no shouting!

The staff are amazing!

You are going to LOVE it!!!!!!”

It was a 2-day-a-week position, share-teaching a year-one class.

Currently, I have been doing day-to-day supply teaching for 7 years, and while I am so incredibly grateful for how much it has taught me….I just feel like I need a little more consistency.

my soul is screaming for a little more consistency!

On top of that, I would also be getting a 45% pay increase and frankly, my bank account could use a little more consistency as well. I haven’t had a regular monthly paycheck for 15 years now.

I miss it.

(Sometimes, it is exhausting never knowing how much you are going to be earning each month.)

I arrived for my trial day at the school, and I almost immediately fell in love with the school. It was beautifully built, with a garden-like oasis in the middle of the school for children to do group work in or to just come and read. The classes were small

(only 22 in each class),

the kids were lovely, and all the staff were super friendly and welcoming. The absolute best part was that the head teacher was South African. The first part of the day was sports day, which he was running, and his manner with the kids was just beautiful.

(For a brief moment, I felt like I was back in South Africa, reminding me why I miss it so much)

To add to that, I got to engage with a couple of the parents who had come to watch the sports day, and the warmth and friendliness that I felt from them spoke volumes for the underlying culture of the school.

The smiles, the acknowledgements and random chats were so refreshing and so profoundly different from the lingering sense of being an unseen ghost, which can often be the case in some schools.

That morning, before I left for the trial day, I had started editing my poem called Frisson that I posted a couple of weeks ago. If I had a frisson barometer, its readings would have been off the scales on that day.

I can’t even begin to tell you how much I wanted this job.

And to top everything off, in the corridor outside my new classroom, there was a huge display on Sir Rowland Hill (1772 –1842), who was an English teacher, inventor and social reformer. 

OMG! My dad’s name was Roland Hill!!!!!

( If only I still believed in signs from the universe….that would have been one!!;-)

So, yes

I WANTED THIS JOB!

(With every fibre of my being)

On the whole, I felt like the interview with the head teacher when well…up until the point that he asked me if I had any questions.

I asked a couple of questions, and then I said that I did want to mention that I struggle with anxiety and that I can sometimes get a little disregulated. I have always been open and honest about my anxiety, solely because I think it’s important. I know that I am a good teacher, but I also know what my limits are and it is important for me that I find a school that is ok with this. I have found over the last 7 years or so that most people are quite open to me sharing this with them.

This time, however, an interesting thing happened when I said those words…..

The headteacher didn’t say anything, and I got what I have in the past dubbed as

‘the look’

It’s this glazed-over look that I have gotten from people who, quite frankly, have no idea what I am talking about.

I have been on the receiving end of ‘the look’ more times than I can remember.

That ‘look’ has so many different meanings for me.

“You are too emotional”

“You are too much”

“I don’t like this side of you”

“I’m not sure I want to keep you around”

“It’s been nice knowing you…”

(In fairness to the headteacher, I have ABSOLUTELY no idea what he was thinking or feeling in that particular moment. )

Of course, the more I have healed, the more I have learnt about the different attachment strategies, especially the avoidant attachment strategies, who are far less comfortable with too much emotion, the more I have come to understand that this look could quite simply mean

“I’m not comfortable talking about my negative emotions, so I am definitely not comfortable talking about yours”

(Which is a PERFECTLY logical response for that person.)

Each to his own – it’s not personal!

Unfortunately, in that moment, probably because I was so nervous, probably because I so desperately wanted to make a good impression, probably because he was a MAN, all logic and reason went out the window, and I morphed into a babbling, justifying mess!

(While Neurotic Angel was screaming at me to shut up!)

I walked out of the school wishing a black hole would open up and swallow me,

pretty certain that I didn’t get the job.

I was beyond frustrated …especially since there was so much about my anxiety that calm, rational Gayle could have spoken about had she not been hijacked by my wounded inner child.

(Which one I have nooooooo idea)

A couple of days later, while still mulling all this over, I had to do a recorded Zoom call with someone who, if I am honest, I didn’t really feel comfortable talking to. This person then proceeded to ask me personal questions about myself and rather than appear rude I started to divulge way too much personal stuff about myself.

(MEEEEE …..Never!!!)

In my defence, however…. it’s one thing for me to write about my experiences in a calm, reflective manner

(On my terms)

and it’s another thing completely to overshare simply because I am feeling anxious and I can’t bloody well shut it down!

After the Zoom call, I watched the video of our conversation and was slightly horrified by the person I saw speaking on the screen.

All I kept thinking was:

“OMG, how many times can a person say ‘you know’ in one sentence?

Why are you blinking so much!!

What’s with all the hand flapping and gestures!”

I have, through the years, done numerous Zoom recordings and I have never seen this version of myself before. I mean I have felt her, sure

– but I have never ACTUALLY SEEN her in action.

She is a sight to behold!

I went to go and rewatch an old zoom session that I had recorded a couple of years ago with my therapist to see if I was really this bad at communicating my thoughts.

Sigh of relief, I was not.

The person speaking to my therapist was calm, focused and relaxed enough to share her thoughts coherently.

So, I guess these last couple of weeks I have been thinking about this ‘wounded child’ in me.

How she is still there.

How she shows up at the most inopportune moments.

How quick she is to reflect her own meanings onto other people’s reactions.

How she can still take things way to personally

How mortifyingly embarrassed I am of her at times

and

how loving her and having compassion for her sometimes feels like a full-time job.

Needless to say, I didn’t get the job.

It took two weeks for them to eventually get back to me.

When they did, I was told that the head teacher said he really liked me, but that they decided to rather look for a full-time teacher instead.

Mmm…I’m not 100% convinced.

That sounds suspiciously like the

“It’s not you, it’s me”

line people use when dumping someone kindly.

But I’m ok with it.

I am grateful I got to see a beautiful school that genuinely cares for its kids.

I am grateful that I spoke up for myself and was honest about my anxiety, even if I didn’t do it to the best of my ability, this time.

I decided that I needed to take the same approach to my job hunting as I do with my dating

I have another trial day for

a 3-day-a-week position,

at the same pay scale,

booked for next Friday.

I shall do better:-)

Written 24th June 2022

A Crappy week

Almost 2 weeks

Of absolute connected bliss

Internal thoughts

 “I could get used to this!”

Inundated with dog

And cat sitting jobs

Feeling so connected to the world

 (Thank you, God!)

I’ve earned £490

This month alone

Who would have thought

 Who could have known

That I could make so much money

Doing something I adore

(Why the hell did I never

Think of this before?)

And it’s interesting watching

The genuine effect

That having animals around

Does to bond and connect 

Me more with my flatmates

Our mutual affection extols

Shared love and adoration

For these four-legged souls

So, happy and centred

 I was offered a teaching job for a week

In one of my favourite schools

(How hard could it be?)

So, I broke my golden rule

Which is never to say yes

To more than 2 days in a class

Unless I’ve already taught there

But feeling buoyant and happy

I could take anything on

Of course, as usual

I was so very wrong

Two children with autism

Both needing one-to-one support

Neither of them statemented

 (But no, of course)

Because their parents

Are in denial

As to what’s really going on

So these kids run around the class

Doing nothing all day long

No learning

No work

Chatting at the top of their voice

Banging on tables

Making one hell of a noise

Throwing tantrums when they don’t

Get their own way

(I felt close to tears

for most of that first day)

The class’s behaviour was appalling

That first day was truly a mess

Nothing about it

Felt like a teaching success

I don’t blame the kids, of course

They get caught up in the hype

Behaviour escalates in chaos

In that high mania vibe

I found it difficult to teach

With all of this going on

Plus, a teaching assistant who was dismissive

And perpetually glum

But as I loved the school so

I decided to stick it out

I ignored my own needs

(Without a shadow of doubt)

Because as a highly sensitive person

I know how over-stimulated I get

When there is constant noise around me

It messes with my head

When my sympathetic nervous system is aroused

I feel so caught in fight or flight

I find it so hard to focus

As my anxiety runs high

And on Wednesday

When the TA went for her break

I was alone in the class

(What a HUGE mistake)

As the autistic boy started hurling

Objects around the class

I was overwhelmed

Dysregulated

I was unable to mask

My anxiety

My frustration

That this is what’s going on

In so many schools

This is so fucking wrong

Because it’s not fair to the class

It’s not fair to me

It’s not fair to these children

Who have genuine needs

So later, I spoke to the phase leader

 I addressed my concerns

 I wasn’t aggressive or angry

But my emotions churned

“I’m not comfortable being alone

In a class with no support

When you have autistic children

Who are reactive

With tempers short”

Her advice?

(Pray, tell

What words of wisdom did she impart

On how I can manage them better

To help keep steady the apple cart)

“Keep them close next to you

Close at all times

That’s how the other teacher manages

And she manages them both fine”

If I’m honest

I couldn’t hide my look of disgust

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing;

It broke all of my trust

Yet again, in this system that

Is so fundamentally fucked

That leaves teachers who “care”

Feeling overwhelmed and so stuck

Because my job as a teacher

Is to teach the

WHOLE

class

I can’t provide one-to-one support as well

What a fucking farse

I’m not superhuman

(How I wish I was!)

Why are teachers expected

To be like almighty Santa Claus

And I knew, I knew

The minute I opened my mouth

That my time in that school was finished

Without a shadow of a doubt

As sly whispering and looks

Were thrown my way

It was clear that my welcome mat

Had been taken away

Because it’s happened so many

Many times before

When I stand up and make

An honest report

The truth, you see

Teachers are not meant to complain

It’s of paramount importance

The status quo is maintained

Suck it up, put your head down

This is how things are

Close the door on your way out

Don’t leave it ajar

And although I knew in my gut

This would be the case

When I got the message that afternoon

I still felt the slap in the face

Because despite everything

I had 100% done my best

And by day three I had been

Considerably impressed

At the class’s behaviour

They really and truly tried

And it hurt in my core

That I wasn’t able to say goodbye

And as I sobbed uncontrollably

I can’t do this anymore!

I have no more energy to walk

Through another random school door

But as always, I was aware

That there were other things going on

As flatmate hunting season

Has yet again begun

And my current flatmate

I can barely believe

Is so bloody unaware

And so frightfully naive

Conveniently forgetting, I kid you not

That she signed a lease…

Requiring a month’s notice

Of course, before she leaves….

But NOOOO

Suddenly, she’s found a lovely new house

And has decided it’s now time

 For her to immediately move out…

No thought or consideration

Who’ll pay her last month’s rent

While she demands her deposit back

Are we seriously here again?

The exact same situation

That we found ourselves in last year

How can people be so selfish

And so blatantly cavalier

Look out for yourself

Fuck others on the way out

I’ve been so triggered and angry

Saturated in doubt

That I have faith in anyone

Why are humans so unkind

Why does my trust feel so wrecked

Every single time?

Like why can’t I just accept

It’s a universal truth

People are idiots

Don’t give them power over you

And did I mention I’ve been cat sitting

A Siamese cat for a week

That wakes me up crying

As soon as the birds start to tweet

Which is roughly 4.30

To 5am each early morn

There is nothing I can do to stop her

Screeching at the crack of dawn

Except take her to the garden

Walk her on her leash for an hour

While fantasising about dropping her

From the highest fucking tower

The guilt the shame

How could I be so mean

Not an inch of kitty love

Courses through me…

So, I’m anxious

I’m stressed

 I’m triggered as hell

I don’t feel like a human

 I feel like a shell

Of the person I have been

These last couple of weeks….

I’m so dam exhausted

Of everything triggering me

So conscious of this rage

That takes over my soul

That grips my heart

And won’t let it go

I stayed at home for two days

 I just couldn’t face school

I feel physically drained

Like I’m running without fuel

I know it’s a bad week

These things always pass

But it’s made me ever more determined

I HAVE to get out of class!