Approximate reading time: 14 min
Written Wednesday, 9th July
It’s Wednesday afternoon, and lo and behold, I actually feel like writing for the first time in weeks, so I thought I would grab the bull by the horns and run with it!
It’s going to be one of those random connect-the-dot posts that seems to jump all over the place- but really and truly do all connect up and make sense.
(If only in my head;-)
So, in fairness, it hasn’t been the greatest start to the week. Last weekend’s illness lingers on in the form of a horrendous back-aching cough that seems to happen whenever I try talking. As a result, I haven’t been able to teach for most of the week, and the inner frustration has been immense.
I have set my alarm for my usual 5:30 am for the last three mornings, climbed out of bed, tried talking, coughed my lungs out, and crawled back into bed to the chorus of pounds being hijacked from my bank account.
For the last couple of years, I have survived on a 4-day workweek (Plus the dog-sitting), and it has worked pretty well for me. Granted, they haven’t been particularly financially lush years, but I have accepted that this was what I needed for my self-care while I was studying. Besides my South African holiday home every 2 years, my last proper holiday away was in 2022.
(This from the girl who went travelling for at least 6 weeks, every year for most of her 20’s)
This year, with the final payments of my student loan and me still needing to pay the outstanding balance on my flight home for Christmas, it feels like everything has just piled up on me, and I have slightly gone into panic mode.
(Gone has been the girl who wrote the
poem)
To counteract the panic, I decided to work a 5-day week for the last couple of months just to try and catch up a bit before I am hit with another unpaid Summer holiday. I have had the delightful voice of Neurotic Angel egging me on, ever so lovingly.
“Most humans work a 9-5 pm job 5 days a week
(at least)
And they DON’T get all your lovely school holidays….
So, suck it up, princess!”
And that’s what I have been trying desperately to do….
The only problem is, time and time again, when I try and push myself to do a 5-day work week,
I always end up getting sick.
It’s pretty bloody annoying.
I feel so much more emotionally stronger these days,
I am managing my anxiety
….I should be able to work a 5-day week without melting!
But no, alas, it appears I am a snowflake.
*******
So, this week, after I had slept for hours and slowly started to feel the life drain back into me I had to ask myself :
Is it worth it?
Is pushing myself to attain other people’s ‘normal’ really and truly worth it?
I mean, I have let go of so many things these last couple of years that no longer serve me …. why do I continue to judge myself so harshly in this area?
I know I am highly sensitive
I know I get easily overwhelmed,
I know I can be emotionally reactive at times and that
I pick up on way too much shit that other people quite simply don’t notice.
I realise that working as a day-to-day supply teacher means that every day is an unknown,
which can be a little tiring, to say the least.
So, if I am aware of all of this
Why do I deny myself the one thing that my body clearly needs the most…
….a little extra downtime to process everything and recharge.
So, I’ve been mulling this over this week, and I came to the conclusion that
NO, it’s definitely NOT worth it.
If I had just stuck to my 4-day week this last month, then I probably wouldn’t have got sick in the first place, and I would be non- worse off financially than I am right now.
I have decided that I am going to cut myself some slack,
continue doing what works well for me, and just be a happy,
healthy, living on the breadline, snowflake.
Lesson learnt.
One of the YouTubers I have been binge-watching this last week is a guy called Alex O’Conner, who is an agnostic-atheist philosopher.
(P.S. I do recall writing a post last year stressing how much I dislike
and surprise, surprise….somehow, with this guy, I just can’t seem to get enough of them.)
The reasons for my latest infatuation are twofold:
If I had to hire someone to speak on my behalf and explain why I don’t really believe in God anymore….I would choose Alex. He just has a way of explaining my thoughts perfectly on faith and religion. But what the hell, let me see if I can give it a go.
I feel like my faith has gone from ‘desperately seeking Christian’
(for 20′ odd years)
to ‘desperately fearful‘ Christian
(For 10+ years)
(Aka not really believing but being too scared of hell to actually admit it)
to an all-inclusive ‘spiritual human being’
(For the last 10 years or so)
And finally, the latest instalment of my faith is a big fat
NOTHING.
I no longer believe in God, nor do I believe in an all-mighty universe that has got my back – if only I just believe hard enough in it.
(Contrary to what I have written in so many of my posts these last couple of years.)
It might sound depressing, but I am kind of liking this new version of me. To be able to say that there isn’t an inch of me that holds onto the dream or the hope of a higher power is beyond freeing.
Please note I am definitely not saying there isn’t a God,
all I am saying is ‘I really don’t know’ and I am perfectly happy not knowing. It feels like I have spent way too many years trying to answer this question for myself, and to finally be in a space where I feel happy and content, even without the answer, is, for me, absolutely liberating. All I really and truly wish for in this world is that we could just allow people to follow what
feeds their soul.
If you want to be a Christian, amazing. If you decide Islam is the way for you – go for it! If you are happy not knowing or actively choosing not to believe in anything.
So be it!
You do you, and I’ll do me! 😉
- The first video I watched of Alex was this Jubilee video, where, as the only atheist, he debated 25 Christians.
I think what initially stood out to me about Alex is how calm and respectful he is towards other people. I have watched quite a few of his videos by now, and the impression I always get is that, first and foremost, all Alex wants to do is have a conversation. Yes, he defends what he believes, but it never feels like it is done at the expense of others’ beliefs. You don’t ever get the sense that he is there to have a ‘got ya’ moment to prove the other person wrong and bolster his own ego. On the contrary, Alex is pretty good at simply listening to the other person’s thoughts; he can apologise if he gets something wrong, and he wholeheartedly owns up to his past YouTube blunders.
I thought Alex’s response to the woman at one hour into the video was incredibly kind and measured, even though she wasn’t even addressing the topic which Alex had presented to the group for discussion.
The claim posed by Alex to the group was :
There is insufficient evidence to believe in the resurrection of Christ.
I think this woman had hoped that sharing her personal religious experiences with Alex would be enough to convince him. She spoke about how Jesus had appeared to her in her room and hugged her, how she had seen paralysed people stand up and walk, how she had prayed over people and seen bones growing back together and how she had seen demons thrown out of people.
All the while she was talking, my eyes were rolling so far back in my head they actually hurt. As the video pans out to her fellow Christians, it is apparent that I was not the only one judging this woman harshly. I know that the vast majority of Christians believe in Jesus, not because of the miraculous signs and wonders they have witnessed…but out of mere faith alone.
And yet Alex’s response back to her was nothing but kind.
“So I am fascinated by your account. I always love to know what people see when they have these kinds of visions. The physicality, how did Jesus appear, did he fade away, did he walk out of the room, did he knock on the door? This kind of stuff. But I think the crucial point is that if I had had such a religious experience, I have no doubt that it would probably turn me into a Christian, and God willing, it will happen one day- that would be awesome! Unfortunately, it hasn’t happened yet, and as far as that goes for convincing anybody else….. people will say “that’s not evidence” and it’s not ….but it’s not supposed to be. It’s supposed to be for you, it’s supposed to be the reason that you have to believe in God, and it’s probably the best reason you could have for believing in God. Unfortunately, that’s not going to do very much for me because these stories of sort of demons being driven out, you know, I think the only thing that these demons seem to be more scared of than Jesus is a camera. If I could see this kind of stuff happening …maybe it would increase my credence, but until it does, I just have to accept that that’s something that you experienced. that like the apparent visions of the disciples and other people you have mentioned…I don’t know what was happening there, but I just have to accept that it’s just some psychological phenomenon until I am shown otherwise”
I have to say I was pretty blown away by his answer. He didn’t judge her, he didn’t make her doubt her experiences….Alex was the epitome of standing up for what you believe in while also being profoundly gracious and compassionate.
Hell, I’d like to be more like that.
So, I’m sitting, staring out of my window this morning, feeling so super calm and relaxed, when I suddenly start thinking about green mould.
(As you do)
A couple of weeks ago, I was horrified to discover that the entire skirting board and parts of the wall behind my bed were covered in bright green mould. I messaged my landlord about it, and he very quickly organised someone to come and look at it. They cleaned the mould off, but I was informed that the entire skirting board and a large section of the wall needed to be replaced to ensure that it doesn’t come back. My landlord then organised for his contractor, Jap, to come and do the job while I was away, dog sitting a couple of weeks ago.
It needs to be said, I DO NOT have many fond feelings for Jap.
(I know, I know I have just written about being less judgmental and more gracious – but can I start after my moan about Jap, please!)
About three months ago, there was mould on another wall in my room, and Jap was commissioned to come and fix that. It took two months and a labyrinth of excuses for him to finally get a 3-hour job done.
Jap annoys me no end.
Someone needs to buy the man a diary and teach him how to use it.
Needless to say, this time around, Jap never turned up AGAIN.
(Why was I not in the least bit surprised?)
I messaged my landlord to ask him what was going on, and I never heard anything back from him.
And then I forgot about it.
So, this morning, as I sat coughing, wheezing and spluttering, I found myself thinking how strange it was that I wasn’t actually sick, just coughing…….when suddenly ….. my yucky, green, mouldy wall suddenly jumped back into my mind.
OH MY GOD!
What if I am being poisoned!!!!!
I googled the toxic side effects of green mould and yes….there is a very good chance mycotoxins are attacking me as I type.
(THE INTERNET NEVER LIES;-)
So suddenly, highly annoyed, I decided to write an email to my landlord.
As I am busy crafting my angry
(but respectful)
email I start thinking about Alex and how calm he always is.
I realise that I have spent a lifetime trying NOT to be that person who blows up and reacts badly when things go wrong, and for the most part I think I have succeeded in doing that.
(For the most part)
But as I am typing, it dawns on me that I might not lose my cool or be disrespectful, but I do always make dam sure the person knows that I am angry or upset.
I found myself asking:
Why?
Why do you feel the need to show all that emotion?
(Yes, yes ME….Gayle Hill actually asked herself THAT question!)
And the answer back was clear as day:
“Because if I don’t let people see that something is upsetting me, then no one will listen, no one will help, and no one will take me seriously.”
I will admit that this is something that I have been thinking about a lot lately as I have slowly started to untangle and understand my own attachment strategy this last year or so.
(It has been a bit of a sticky mess, honestly.
However, that is a whole other post on its own when I have finally finished my dissertation.)
But in that moment, as I heard my inner child define very clearly why she needs all the emotion….I thought again about Alex, and I wanted to do better. So, I wrote my email, highlighting that the job still hadn’t been done and requesting a time that it could be done, minus the angry, annoyed subtext.
My landlord emailed back almost immediately and then asked if he could pop in with a new contractor
(Thank God)
to survey the damage.
As I sat in my room chatting to him, I mentioned that I was going to be dog-sitting in 10 days, perhaps that would be a good time to let them do the job. My landlord was delighted to hear that I was a dog sitter and said he actually needed a sitter for August as his regular sitter was away. I informed him that, unfortunately, I only had one week free in August, as I am almost back-to-back booked with dog and cat sitting jobs. He told me the dates of the week that he needed and, miracle of miracles, it was the one week that I was available.
(Talk about signs and wonders I tell ya!;-)
I then mentioned to him that because I had been sick this week and been unable to do my nanny job I was £50 short for my rent on Thursday…would he mind terribly if I paid the outstanding £50 on Friday when I got paid.
(Can I give a quick shout out please to my best friend Rachel, who is as broke as me, and was going to lend me the money- I love you Rachie!!!)
So, my landlord looks at me and says:
I tell you what, seeing as you have been messed around with this last contractor not turning up how about you deduct a couple of hundred from your rent?
I look at him in disbelief and jokingly say:
“A couple of hundred?
You mean like £700.
He looks at me for a bit, as if contemplating, and then says :
“Sure, why not!”
I must admit I felt a bit flabbergasted as I spluttered back:
“No, that’s way too much”
While Neurotic Angel is SCREAMING at me:
“SHUT it!!!!!!
Take the gift!
Take the gift, you idiot!!”
Luckily, he insisted it was fine, stating that he remembers a time when he was struggling financially and he is happy to help.
So, I have just paid £700 off on my credit card and I am feeling a little blown away by this man’s generosity and kindness. Today felt like a huge lesson, reminding me that sometimes
(not all the time:-)
People will help just because you are a good person.
So, I am going to continue working on being calm, chilled, less-emotional Gayle!
(Except, of course, when I write- the histrionics need an outlet!;-)
