Approximate reading time: 8 min

So, I had a date on Friday.

I know, I know …a bona fide date…..unfucking believable:-)

These last couple of months, I have been feeling a wee, little bit disheartened about the whole dating thing.

(It comes and goes in cycles – but this cycle, entwined with being a newly fledged 50-year-old childless, singleton, has been particularly brutal)

It honestly doesn’t feel like I have a single inch of patience left for the constant messaging of random strangers, for matching with people that have no intention of even messaging you back, for lazy men that make no effort to make the conversation remotely interesting or for being ghosted for…..well…..just because.

Frankly, I am fucking exhausted of it all. I wish I could give up on the whole idea of love and be one of those happy, single women who have no interest in it.

Unfortunately, I am not.

I am me.

Random information:

Research studies have found that single women with more avoidant attachment styles (A-strategies) tend to express views of partners as untrustworthy and prefer greater interpersonal distance. These women are more content remaining single and have a higher likelihood of enjoying casual dating without necessarily seeking a long-term commitment. In contrast, women with ambivalent attachment styles (C-strategies) are typically more eager to commit to long-term relationships, but often find it challenging to achieve the degree of interpersonal closeness that they so desperately desire.

When I started studying the attachment theory 4 years ago, I was wholeheartedly convinced that I was avoidant. However, the more I have learnt, the more I have begun to understand that ….um maybe not. While I have never been formally assessed, my own research has increasingly highlighted lots of qualities consistent with a C-strategy — particularly my difficulty in simply letting go and being alone.

So you see….as much as I would love to be a blissfully happy catdoglady for life, my own attachment style keeps fucking with my ability to truly embrace that possibility.

I am just perpetually wired with hope.

I know I am a good person,

I know I have so much love to give….

I whole heartedly believe that there are wonderful men out there

I just have no idea where to meet any of them.

Of course, the age-old adage

“He will turn up when you least expect him”

still makes me want to vomit!!

I spent the last 4 years of my life NOT expecting it. I was 120% happy to be by myself; in fact, I knew that I needed to be by myself. I have healed so much, I’ve learnt so much about myself, and I am so much more conscious and aware of all the types of mistakes I have made in the past.

Now I am ready.

I have been single for 8 years.

I am impatient.

But I don’t want to do online dating EVER again.

So, what’s a girl to do?

Then, like a breath of fresh air, I found an app called Breeze.

Yes, essentially it is still a dating app…..but it’s a little bit different. This app, it appears, is for people who actually want to go on dates and connect with REAL, LIVE human beings.

It’s the NO-CHAT – just DATE app – and I love it.

This is how it works.

You get five potential matches a day.

If you ‘like’ someone and they ‘like’ you back, then you have a match.

You then pay £10 /£7

(Depending on the package you sign up for)

You both update your calendar with the days you are available and… walla…breeze organises you a date.

You only find out where the restaurant is 30 hours before the date, and the payment you made covers your first drink at the venue.

Simple.

Clean.

Humane.

So, on Friday, I had my first Breeze date with an attorney called Peter.

(We met at a very cool little pub that was literally a 20-minute walk from my house, which was a bonus.)

Peter was 6.2 and had beautiful hazel/green eyes and a lovely smile.

It was a fun date.

We sat speaking from 8 pm to 10.30 pm, and he was a bundle of energy who made me laugh.

I must admit I didn’t think much about it during the date, but when I got home, I wasnt quite sure if I actually wanted to see Peter again. I couldn’t help but think that Peter was just a little too similar to the types of guys I have gone for in the past. Charming, engaging storytellers who can talk about all sorts of things…but somehow manage to talk about nothing at all. A couple of times, he asked me those stupid generic questions that are so often framed as light, playful, ‘fun icebreakers’

“If you were stuck on a desert island and could only take five albums, five books and 5 TV shows, what would you take?”

OMG the pressure!!!

I honestly hate these types of questions, I find them emotionally exhausting – my logical head knows it’s just a way of trying to get to know someone….but for some reason, all it does is make me feel anxious as I scramble around my brain trying to find the correct answers that won’t mean I am instantly rejected.

(I blame myself for spending my 20s and 30s desperately trying to fit in with people who assumed that the type of music you listened to somehow defined you as a human being –

IT DOES NOT!)

Oh, and I also got this one…

“If you could have a list of 6 people you were allowed to have sex with, who would be on it?

So basically by answering this, you are telling the person what type of people you like and are attracted to – which is just plain awkward on a first date. Especially if your date looks nothing like the type of person you are generally attracted to.

(Sorry, Peter)

I don’t know – with a whole lifetime of experiences to draw upon, these types of questions, for me, just feel a little bit too scripted and forced.

But, all that been said…I managed to laugh my way through it, and I told him honestly, I don’t enjoy those types of questions.

Which I am super proud of.

(Well done, me)

I then asked him if he wanted kids, and he jokingly

(but not so jokingly)

commented that that was a rather personal question to ask on a first date.

(Dude, you just asked me who I would like to have sex with!)

I know that there are dating coaches out there that will advise against asking this question too early on…. because it might scare the person off. But for the love of God…I am a 50-year-old woman who would love nothing more than to find a wonderful man who would be open to fostering or adopting a couple of kids.

I am looking for the

“proverbial needle in a haystack”

of a man!!!

My man does exist and he doesn’t scare that easily:-)

(Of course, I wouldn’t mention the whole fostering and adopting thing on the first date – but the basic starting point is that I would ideally LOVE someone who wants kids.)

Another slightly awkward moment was when I mentioned that I had another Breeze date on Wednesday. These days, I like throwing that into the conversation just so that I can gauge how the guy reacts..

(Only if it’s true, of course)

I value honesty and transparency.

This is a first date, we are simply getting to know each other, and neither of us owes the other person exclusivity yet, so as far as I am concerned, it shouldn’t really be an issue

Peter didn’t say anything, but I could easily sense he wasn’t too comfortable or happy with this disclosure, which was a little bit of a red flag for me.

I also mentioned that I love writing, and I wrote a blog. Peter didn’t seem at all interested in the follow-up question that usually follows that disclosure.

“Oh, what do you write about?”

….mmm…interesting….

moving on then….

Let’s talk about that desert island, shall we? 😉

So yeah, while it was a lovely evening, I did observe a micro colony of tiny red flags starting to sprout, that collectively could suggest that me and lovely Peter probably weren’t that compatible.”

But hell, did I laugh.

I got home that night, and my gregarious, vibrant, playful child, part ‘Roxy’ was in full swing.

I love Roxy

– She is loads of fun, and she and Peter got along like a house on fire.

The next morning, I got a prompt on the Breeze app asking me if I would like to exchange phone numbers with Peter.

Roxy wanted to say ‘YES’.

But this time round, rather than simply allowing Roxy to make the decision for me, I thought about all the other parts in my inner family. As much as I wish Roxy were my consistent personality, I have come to accept that she is not. I have a whole host of parts that are far less happy and positive…with some of them being downright depressing. I am very grateful that I have built such a strong network of friends who can love and accept the ‘all of me’, and I need a man who can do the same.

My impression of Peter, although he was fun-loving and entertaining, was that he probably wouldn’t have the emotional depth or patience to hold the pace for the rest of my inner family. Roxy is great, but she comes as a package deal;-)

So, I did the only logical thing I felt I could do that morning.

I said yes, I’d like to see Peter again.

And then prayed FEVERISHLY to God or the universe or to whatever is out there that Peter would say NO, he didn’t want to see me again.

(AAHHHH bless the people pleasing part in me reigns on!)

Pray tell, why on earth did I say yes?

Well, we had so much fun…

It felt almost cruel to cut him off just like that…..

…and we had at the end of the day only had one date.

There is always, always a possibility I could be wrong!

Two hours later, I got a lovely rejection message from Peter, saying that it was a fun night but that he didn’t feel any real chemistry…and wishing me luck on my search!

Thank you, Peter!!!

I was not wrong.

Rejection has never felt so good:-)