Approximate reading time: 8 min
Written: 18th of July 2022
It feels pretty amazing
To write a poem again
I haven’t written in ages
It feels good to dive in
Even if it’s one
That’s brimming with rage
Things always feel better
When they are down on the page
So, I’ve had COVID
(The bug finally tracked me down)
My life has become
A beautiful, lazy ghost town
Of me doing nothing
Absolutely NOTHING at all
Except sleeping, watching Netflix
(A complete zombie-like withdrawal)
Lying on a blanket
In my garden outside
I can’t remember the last time
The last time I cried
Actually, that’s a lie
The last week of June was hell….
Drama with my flatmate
All was not well
And yet again, I found myself
Wondering why, oh why
This seems to happen religiously
Like clockwork EVERY time….
People leave the flat
They are ready to move on
All of a sudden, initial agreements
Are magically gone
It’s like all the kindness and friendship
That is shared throughout the year
Is thrown out the window
It mysteriously disappears
And I’m left feeling so gaslit
Crazy in my head
What are you going on about
That’s NEVER what I said
Chick, YOU signed a lease!
How do you not understand?
You can’t just up and leave
When you’ve made a new plan
And NO
I don’t owe you money
I don’t need to reimburse
You 75 a month?
That’s so completely ABSURD.
What lease in this WORLD
Ever comes with
A monthly £75 discount
OMG, are you legit????
I mean seriously
Seriously?
I’m so fucking confused
What drugs are you on
What on earth’s wrong with you?
And it triggered all those feelings
That I had last year
Feeling like a hapless bundle
Of emotional tears
And this all happened
The very, exact same week
I felt so fucking bleak
It’s like life’s shit stockpiles
Into this emotional cesspool
I get totally overwhelmed
I struggle to keep my cool
So conscious of Lila and Lola
(My inner children of shame)
Who were running the show
Playing their usual games
And I notice as they quietly
Catastrophize EVERTHING!
How easily they point fingers
As they start blame shifting…
They argued with my therapist
“This is ALL his fault!
Why does he continue fill
Your wounds with salt?
He doesn’t see us or acknowledge
Your inner child parts
It’s time to leave
Make A fresh start!
We hate him
We hate him
With every inch of our gut!”
(When those kids are driving
My heart feels so completely shut)
And it was like NOTHING, my therapist
Could say would soothe me
I felt angry, invalidated
I just want to leave
And I’ve noticed these “disagreements”
Only happen when
Lola and Lila are struggling
Fighting from within
“But he implored me, please don’t run
This is a pattern for you
Stay, stick around
So we can work this all through”
Which meant more to me
Than I could EVER possibly say
That someone saw through the turmoil
And still wanted me to stay
So, I was struck down by COVID
(Why was I not surprised?)
My body’s way of coping
With all the turmoil inside
It’s been so beautiful, so healing
To be quiet and simply soothe…
My inner child parts
(And all their horrible un-truths)
And an amazing thing happened
Out of all this…
I started writing my blog again
Which I have so sorely missed
And it appears to have dawned
On my shiny marble head
That my therapist was right
About so much that he said
That this is anger, this lashing out
This validation I so desperately seek
Can only come from one person
And I believe that’s me
So, it’s incredible to be back
In this semi-healthy space
More able and willing
To give my poems some air space
Such a feeling of Enough-Ness
Courses through my veins
Feeling so beautifully anchored
In Ventral Vagal state
And I am grateful
Beyond grateful
That my therapist never gave up
He didn’t end our sessions
Or label me as
“Too much”
He simply held the door open
And continue to see
The healthier, calmer
More rational me
And as I dozed quietly today
Pure happiness in my heart
(I’m getting this “relaxing” thing
Down to a fine art)
I suddenly awoke to the sound
Of a dustbin outside
In that instant, I noticed
Something clear-eye
A tingling, fizzing energy
Pins and needles everywhere
My body tightening with tension
Anxiety catches me unawares
And I lay there thinking
Isn’t that intriguing
My body hasn’t caught up
To this emotional feeling
Of enoughness and safety
That’s playing in my head
My body still reacts
Like it’s sitting on a ledge
Just waiting
Watching
Always on alert
Keep your eyes open
Don’t let yourself get hurt
But I’m excited, so excited
Because I’ll soon start SSP
I honestly can hardly wait
To see the effect it will have on me
I look forward to a time
When my body’s caught up
When it is no longer triggered
Frozen or stuck
When Ventral Vagal state
Naturally feels more like home
Where the neuroception of safety
Will be more easily known