Approximate reading time: 4 min
I’m back!! 🙂
It’s been a while, I know.
I’m not going to apologise for the long silence, because I know I needed it. It’s been a pretty eventful year, full of big lessons I’m still processing, and not quite ready to commit to paper just yet.
(All in good time:-)
For the last couple of years, I have managed to (mostly) upload a post a week. On the weeks I haven’t had the energy or desire to post anything ‘fresh’, I have simply resorted to uploading my poems, of which I have hundreds.
In February, I hit a wall.
The poems I’d reached all came from a time when I was working with a therapist, using the Safe and Sound Protocol to help me manage my anxiety.
That month, listening to the five hours of SSP music was pretty bleak for me. It honestly felt like someone had ripped off my already overly sensitive skin and dropped me into a cauldron.
Looking back, when I got to these poems, I felt it again, that insidious shame that creeps in every now and then. That ‘part of me’ that takes great joy in reminding me how ‘negative’ and ‘downright depressing’ I can be.
“Focus on the positives, dammit all.
Be a glass-half-full person!!
Yes, these poems were indicative of a healing period for you – but surely you don’t need to share them with the whole world? “
My instinct was to listen to that voice.
Skip them.
Move on to the lighter, brighter, more ‘inspirational ones’ that people MIGHT actually want to read.
But as is always the case, another part of me was screaming louder than the first part:
“DON’T YOU DARE skip over the dark bits.
This is you.
All of it.
You don’t get to erase the dark just because it’s uncomfortable.
Isn’t the whole point of your journey to learn to embrace those shadow parts, and love them?”
And so, to avoid an all-out war between these two parts, and to get a moment’s peace in my head, I took a much-needed break.
I think it worked!
I’m pleased to report that the people-pleasing, approval-seeking, fawning part of me is now cohabiting reasonably peacefully with the proud, determined, and resilient part of me.
(Well, for the moment anyway)
The poems stay.
Written 2nd August 2022
So, I finally started
With my SSP
It’s been a long time coming
(It’s such a relief)
And as we listened to the first recording
(only 10 minutes worth)
I was interested to see
The effects it would unearth
Song one and song two
Didn’t cause any alarm
Except for a slight frisson
Running up my arms
But on track 3, minute 9
I suddenly noticed that
The constriction of my chest
Was unexpectedly back
She asked me to explain
The sensation to her
What the feelings and emotions
Underneath it all were
“It’s this boot on my chest
Forcing me down
Keeping me in my place
Pinning me to the ground“
I’m crying so hard
“It’s never going away
I feel lost and helpless
Like it’s here to stay
I’ve been trying so hard
For so many years
To break free from its grip
I’ve cried so many tears
I feel desperate
I feel frustrated
I feel so alone
It’s never going away
It’s my permanent ‘home’
She sat quietly
She listened
“Could we simply let it be?
Take a few breaths
Let’s just wait and see….
What happens if you stop fighting
Stop trying to push it away
Can you open up the space
Allow it to be present and stay?“
And as we did that
I noticed the panic subside
A calming to my frantic
Lost inner child
Who so desperately wants
To feel seen
To feel safe
Not continuously feeling
So out of place
“Don’t show all those emotions
Lord, don’t be too much
Don’t make others uncomfortable
With all of YOUR stuff!”
And as the pressure slowly
Started to subside
I noticed a subtle shift
A slight change in the tide
As the heaviness lifted
The anxiety went away
More able to breathe and remember
That in every moment
Every day
Negative Feelings rise up
They signpost what’s going on
They change
They dissipate
They’re never permanent for long