Approximate reading time: 3 min

Written on the 11th September 2022

I woke up this morning
Feeling engulfed by a dream
It’s been months since one
Has even bothered me

I was caught in a tunnel
A vacuum of sorts
Filled with memories of the times
I reached out for support

With an issue
A problem
Something worrying I’d seen
Uncomfortable feelings
Perhaps something a little mean

And the responses that were so often
Directed back to me
Inevitably it came down
To my oversensitivity

“There really isn’t a problem”
“Just let it go”
“No need to get upset
And put this on show…”

How I needed to be “more tolerant”
“More part of the team”
And for years I always thought
Perhaps it’s just me?

I’m the common denominator
I’m the one who over-feels
Perhaps I’m simply imagining
Things that aren’t real

But the more I have learnt
The more I have begun to understand
This poisonous pattern of blame shifting
The damage it causes firsthand

As I’ve started to open up
And find the space to heal
I’ve noticed how narcissistic people
Blame-shift and conceal

Rather than taking responsibility
Owning their own part
They twist it around
And so easily outsmart

Anything you say
Anything you do
Never taking accountability
It always bounces back to you

Your issue
Your problem
You are to blame
There is nothing to solve
You’re being oversensitive again

With this awareness
Comes the knowledge
Of how painful this has been
Doubting myself continuously
Feeling overlooked and unseen

But now I see the script
When things are never on an even keel
As they flip things around
And devalue how you feel

But recognising too
At the very same time
The part that I have played
In this toxic pantomime

As I have continually given
These narcissistic types a part
I’ve chosen them as confidants
Handed them the keys to my heart

Infatuated by their confidence
Their gregarious smiles
Envious of their ease
Their effortless style

Wanting so much
To emulate their strength
How they never take things personally
They never let things in

Without really understanding
What I have come to see
How easy armour can appear
When stripped of empathy

So maybe this dream
Visited me last night
To simply bring awareness
To this still-present internal fight

A million frustrations
Squashed underground
So many thoughts never spoken
Not a whisper, not a sound

Because if things are all my fault
If I am to blame
Then it’s my job to carry around
All of this shame

And my heart feels sad
For all those years I took it on
Accepting others’ judgement
Christening it my song

But I’m also filled with gratitute
For this realisation right now
For this skin growing slowly

Magically somehow

This lioness
This protector
This guardian of my heart
Who is so much wiser
And more conscious of my part