Hello All,

I realise I said I was going to post one post a month, but then again, when have I EVER been consistent with my words?

Truth be told, I currently have COVID, and I’m bored shitless. So I am using the time to productively scour through my graveyard of “Unpublished posts” …..

what do you know there are still more…..

(Written October 2020)

Hello my name is Gayle, and I am a recovering people-pleaser.

My recovery has been a long, arduous, tumultuous journey that has been mortifyingly embarrassing to look back on at times….

BUT I do feel like I have finally turned a corner.

(Happy days!!!)

This post is especially for all those fellow people pleasers out there. 

Last year, my cousin Luke kept pestering me to read a book by psychologist Manuel. J. Smith called: “When I say no, I feel guilty“.

I will admit that at first, I was slightly annoyed…what on EARTH was he trying to imply?

That I have boundary issues?

(Mwaaaaa?)

In my completely unbiased assessment (of me) I think I have worked pretty freaken-dam hard these last 10 years learning to say NO to unrealistic demands that people might put on me. 

Eg. Will you catch up on my child’s math lesson that they couldn’t make last week?

(Oh, you mean the one where you didn’t even bother to inform me that they wouldn’t be making it? Or then apologise for not making it??? )

“No“

Please will you complete this 2-hour online safety course at home this weekend?

(You mean during MY weekend? Which I’m not paid overtime for?)

 “Um No…”

Will you continue to teach my child even if I forget to pay you?

(mmmmm let me think…)

“No!”  

See Easy peasy!

I can say NO!

But eventually, I relented and read the dam book.

(Sometimes it’s just easier to say ‘yes’ to get people off your back) 

Mmmmmmm………And what do you know?

I loved it, AND I actually learned something.

The book itself is a little dated…It was written in 1975…undoubtedly an amazing year as it makes the book as old as me…..45 to be exact!

But it’s jammed-packed with techniques and strategies that we relentless “people pleasers” can use to just bloody well STOP IT!

I think what I realise the most about myself while reading this book was this: 

1) While I have indeed learned to say NO to the big demands that people might attempt to put on me…..What I hadn’t really learned to do was deal with and process all the secondary emotions that bubbly up when I use that tiny, minuscule, little word called ‘No’.

I am then often plagued with guilt and shame, because, I guess, subconsciously, I still don’t feel like I have the right to say no.

I also realised how I often spiral into needing to justify, explain or defend my reasoning for saying ‘no’ in the first place. 

 (It’s Bloody-fucking exhausting at times ya’ know!)

2) What I also hadn’t quite grasped was that true assertiveness is not just about being able to say no…it is also about being able to stand up for yourself and calmly question other people who might say no to you.

So, as we always know, what comes with any great life epiphany….?

The perfect “real-life situation” to practice exactly what you have been taught!

What fun!

The one about the wedding dress

A couple of weekends ago

(the week before Halloween- to be exact!)

I spent the weekend with Rachel,

(my absolute best friend in the whole wide world!)

One of the things that we often love doing together is trawling through second-hand shops. We don’t often buy stuff, but it’s kind of like going on a grown-up treasure hunt coz you just never know what you might find. Often, we are like two kids in a toy shop when we go shopping together, sometimes to the annoyance of other customers.

(Some people just don’t know how to have any fun!)  

Now imagine my absolute delight when I walked into our last charity shop and saw:

WAIT for it!!!!!!

Not ONE…BUUUT two Wedding dresses. (Covered in fake blood!) 

Oh my God!!!!

(I had died and gone to heaven)

Perfect for Halloween!! 

Now you need to have an appreciation of the back story here.

(Unfortunately, my head is filled with back stories!)

Years ago, in 2010, while I was travelling in Cambodia, I met an awesome Welsh girl called Nia. We had planned on doing a Halloween pub crawl, but didn’t have any costumes. We were in our mid-30s, still single, and decided we would be going as Gothic brides: Grooms MIA. We spent the day trapesing around Cambodian markets buying bin liners, sticky tape, black lace, and other weird little things that might go with our gothic design ideas. I personally think our dresses were freaken awesome!

And it was honestly one of the most fun nights out I think I have ever had. Since then, I have always loved the idea of going to a Halloween party in a real wedding dress covered in blood. A rather morbid fantasy indeed…. but maybe subconsciously I just want to wear a

bloody

(excuse the pun)

wedding dress!!

(Forgive me, but as a single 45-year-old, I feel slightly cheated!)

I wanted my dam dress, and there it was!

x2!!!

Me: “Raccheeeeeeeee LOOK two wedding dresses!!! Aren’t they gorgeous?” 

Rachel: (Urg…Good Lord NO!) “Yes, lovely!“

(She says with the sweetest smile. My bestie, too, is a born-again people pleaser!) 

Me: “I think I’m going to buy one!”

Rachel: “Why? Where on earth are you going to wear it?”

Me: “To a Halloween party, silly!“

Rachel: “But do you have a Halloween party to go to?”

Me: “Nooooo, NOT yet!!!! Eish you are killing me with your negativity here!!!

Where is your faith?

My party will come!”

A random woman in the shop starts laughing:

“I believe you!!

You should definitely buy one!”

Me: “See Rachy, that’s what a best friend is supposed to be.

Supportive!!!!!!” 

I turn to random lady in the shop and say:

“I have a vacancy for a new best friend. Are you available for the position?”

We all have a good laugh…

(Rachel thinks I’m joking…but I’M sooo NOOOOOOOOOT!)

Luckily, she sees the error of her ways and turns her scandalous lack of faith around!

So armed with my x2 wedding dresses and some more fake blood! I am ready to manifest my very own Halloween party!

I can do this!! 

The only downside was that stupid COVID meant that I couldn’t actually try either of the dresses on.

Luckily, the extremely grumpy/rude lady at the till

(Who doesn’t look like she has smiled once in the last 20 years)

assures me I can return them and get a full refund if they don’t fit!

(uuhum….Of course, they were going to fit!!!) 

I got home and couldn’t wait to try them on. 

They didn’t fit. 

Both of the zips only go up halfway. Clearly, I am no longer a size 12!!!

(Dammit all)

I am a little deflated. But not for long.

Me:”Ooooh, Rachy why don’t you try one on with me?” 

Rachel: “Um, I really would rather not!”

Note to self: Rachel has become a lot better at saying no to me these days…. what’s up with that?

But I have read the book, so I know I can BREAK her! 

Me: “Aaaah, Rachy please!

I mean, when are we EVER going to both get to wear wedding dresses together

I mean like ever?????

Pleeeeeeeeease….do it for me?

We can take our own Halloween photo’s 

Rachel: (Sighs) “OK already!!”

(See, I broke her down!!!) 

I had a random thought about a nursery report card that my mum found of mine. 

The teacher’s oh so diplomatically worded comment was:

“Gayle is a friendly child who enjoys organising all her friends’

Rachel calls me her bossy friend.

(I have a reputation to live up to!) 

So, we climb into two old, ragged wedding dresses that do not fit either of us and that are covered with fake blood.

Her 15-year-old son is then unceremoniously dragged downstairs to come be our photographer.

(It was a very special moment I tell you.) 

We would indeed have made beautiful brides.

What a sad loss to the world!

Fun over

The next day we had to return the dresses, which was a 30-minute drive in the opposite direction of the beach.

(Which was where we were going!) 

I know the grumpy woman yesterday said I could return them at any of their branches, but I decided to phone the branch closer to the beach and just check!

(Just in case.)

On asking shop assistant if I could return the dresses there, she says:

“No”

(Ummmmm…no?)

Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t understand? The lady at the Street branch said we could return it at any other branch?” 

Irritated shop lady#2: (Sighing) “Well, yes, you can, but you will need to come after 12 am when my assistant is here, as I am currently alone in the shop and won’t be able to leave to do all the paperwork for the exchange.

(Um, paperwork??? I’m not returning a car, you know?) 

(Dam I’m so glad I read the book.)

I thank her and reassure her that we will be there after 12!

Arriving at 12.15, we then get to meet ”Irritated shop lady#2” who is now beside herself because her card machine is down, and she is trying to sort it out.

(Oooooi vaaai the drama!)

I reassure her it’s fine, we are more than happy to wait while she attempts to sort it out. After 20 minutes of happily browsing, I find two brand new purple fluffy pillows that will more than make up for the earth-shattering loss of my wedding dresses.

I approach woman who is still in an absolute tizzy about the card machine

(I kind of wanted to slip her a Valium)

and ask if I could simply do an exchange if her machine is down?

Irritable shop lady #2: “Yes, of course”

(She seems relieved to have found a solution) 

Rachy and I then spent another 15 minutes browsing, and just as I had made up the full £40

(The price of both wedding dresses)

“Irritated shop lady” walks over and rather abruptly says:

“Sorry, we can’t do an exchange on Halloween costumes.”

And curtly plops the wedding dress bag down by my feet

(It is very evident by the haughty way she does this that she is indeed NOT at ALL sorry!!!!!)

Me: “Why not?” 

Irritated shop lady#2: “Because you could have worn it!”

Me: (Irritation is leaking from my pores)

“Halloween is NEXT weekend?”

Irritated shop lady#2 : “It’s store policy not to do exchanges on Halloween costumes.” 

Me: “I bought it yesterday and the tags are still on them both. They don’t fit, and I specifically asked if I could return them”

Irritated shop lady #2: I’m sorry, it’s store policy, my hands are tied.

And she turns round to walk away.

I am so pissed I can’t even see straight

(Clearly, irritated shop lady#2 has READ the book too!) 

Stand your GROUND!

Stand your Ground Gayle!

Fuck it! I’m too furious!

I have no words!

I am so furious…. I want to kill her!

(I do!)

I plonk lovely fluffy cushions down, pick up my ‘bloody’ wedding dresses and storm out of the shop.

I don’t even bother saying goodbye. 

(That will teach her!)

Behind me, I hear Rachel’s awkward and embarrassed “Goodbye…”

I secretly want to kill her too….

MY BEST FRIEND, the traitor!

By the time we reached the car, I had successfully removed the plastic knife that Rachel had lodged in my back.

(I need someone to rage with, and she is an awesome listener!)

Me: “I can’t fucking believe that woman!

After all that time we wasted waiting for her stupid machine to be fixed!

What the hell am I supposed to do with these bloody things now?”

We drove all this way!!!”

Rachel: “I know it is a little bit ridiculous, especially since you phoned in especially!”

I’m mildly elated to see that Rachel is just as annoyed as I am.

(Maybe she feared a second night of wedding dress-up?)

Me: (in my loudest teacher voice) “But you said goodbye!!!!!!! How could you?????”

Rachel: (rather meekly) “I know…. I’m sorry….

 (more defiantly) “But I didn’t look at her!!!”

We both pack out laughing at the absurdity that is “US” 

Me: “You wanna know the worst part?

 I stormed out of there like a two-year-old having a tantrum. I could have stayed, used some of the techniques I learned in that book. I just accepted her ridiculous attempts not to help us.“

Rachy: (Sheepishly) “I know, and I waved at her!!”

There is a reason Rachel is my best friend. She and I are on either end of the same spectrum.

Rachel is the calm to my rage; I’m the recalcitrance to her agreeableness

( I had to Google for that word!)

Recalcitrant: 1. a person with an obstinately uncooperative attitude towards authority

(Or just plain shitty people!)

I often joke that if you amalgamate us both, you might just have a perfectly balanced human being. 

I do love her dearly!

Sigh!!

Dam, it’s hard standing up for yourself sometimes.

I think it is safe to say I successfully tanked Assertive Skill #2!

Luckily I am a work in progress….

to be continued………