OK, so I actually made it to 40 (+2) days. I have to admit I am slightly proud of myself. 😁🤗😎

I can honestly say…these last 40 (+2) days have been the most nerve-wracking, the most sleepless and the most absolutely awesome 4O (+2) days of my life. 😍 So for my final post, I’m just going to share what I have learnt.

I think my two absolute biggest fears when starting out with this challenge were:
a) What happens if I totally run out of ideas of things to write about?🤐

b) Oh my God …how am I going to write on those dreaded “black closet” days?😱

Surprisingly enough I have discovered that both those fears were almost completely inconsequential. Before I started the challenge I had roughly about ten topics that I had really wanted to write about. To date, I have probably only written about 3 or 4 of them. What I discovered on this journey is the more creative you allow yourself to be, the more the ideas just start flowing. I have read this countless times before in numerous books on spirituality but it was so amazing to experience this first hand myself.🤗 The spiritual teacher Maya Angelou said: “You can’t use up creativity…the more you use, the more you have.” The best part of being creative is how happy it made me. For the last 40 (+2) days I have been eating, sleeping and drinking writing. I feel like my whole life has turned into a long story…the story of my making. 🤗 We all have our own stories about life, the beautiful thing about writing “your story” is that you get to own it. So many of my thoughts and ideas are simply my perceptions of my world.🌏 Other people reading might see certain things or situations in a completely different way, there is nothing I can do to change other peoples versions of my story…all I can do it write what I believe to be my truth. And so, I have come to appreciate how important it is to really own our story and to be your own beautiful movie star🌟. If you don’t, then the sad fact of the matter is other people will simply write you into the “oh so depressing” supporting role of their own story.

(You know how the protagonist in romantic comedy movies always seems to have two best friends running around them, answering to their every beck and call 24\7! Never actually seeming to have their own life? Uuuurg we don’t want to be them.😨)

One of the things I have loved the most about this challenge has been the emails I have received from some friends telling me parts of their story. I absolutely love reading stuff like this.📘 It has really touched me to have people open up and be able to share experiences that they have found to be hurtful and painful in their lives. I truly do believe that learning to be vulnerable enough to talk about painful stuff is what eventually frees us from its tight grip. The first step to learning to tell my story was simply showing up and being willing to be seen, every day. The second step has been learning to ignore my inner critic and believe me, she has been winning like crazy bitch these last 4O(+2) days. I am extremely grateful to all my friends that have continued to support and encourage me when my anxieties were getting the better of me.

T.S. Elliot once said that ‘anxiety is the handmaiden of creativity.’ This I had not realised before I started writing every day. I had no idea how anxious and nerve-wracking it was going to be to continually put myself out there. I hadn’t realised how often I would neurotically check my phone to see if anyone liked a post.🙈🙈🙈

I can’t tell you how many times I have heard my inner critic say: “Seriously are you nuts? You can’t possibly say that.” But this time around, every single time I had those thoughts I had to make a conscious choice to ignore them and wrote exactly what I wanted to say anyway.🙉

The movie A beautiful mind is based on a mathematical genius John Nash who suffers from ‘paranoid schizophrenia’. He had multiple delusional characters that continually showed up in his life. While they were initially only trying to protect him and look out for him (the same as our inner critics- they so don’t want us to get hurt! 💣) in the long term they were also holding him back from connecting with real life. He ultimately chose not to use psychotropic drugs as he felt that medication stunted his creativity to do the thing he loved the most, mathematics. The movie, that was based on his wife’s book, depicted how Nash recovered gradually with the passage of time. The only way he was able to do that was through the process of consciously rejecting the imaginary characters when they turned up. There is one scene in the movie where Nash is continuing with his life but his imaginary friends are still with him..following him like puppy dogs waiting for him to acknowledge them again. Nash, however, learn to completely ignore them and not give them the power in his life any more. This for me depicts so beautifully how our inner critic can still be there, even after many years of self-development and growth but we can actively choose to ignore them. They might still be there, they might even get some air time (every now or then)…but they most definitely don’t get to run the show anymore. There is also another very sweet scene where Nash has to stop a student to ask her if she can see the man he is talking to (just in case the man was an illusion of his mind) The student laughs and confirms that the man is real and Nash continues speaking to his friend. I love this part of the movie because it was so authentic and honest. The only way Nash was able to come to terms with his mental illness was to face up to it and stop trying to hide who he was. He had to turn up at that campus every day and ‘be seen’ and viewed as a bit of a nutter at times🤖. He had to risk people laughing at him (which they did at first) before he was finally just accepted for the amazingly brilliant, if not eccentric mathematician that he was. And Oh my God….most importantly, he had to learn to be vulnerable and ask for help when he needed it. So I love this analogy for our own lives. We so often want to keep the bad bits hidden and present a perfect picture of the world. We can be so fearful of others laughing at us, that we forget to learn to laugh at ourselves. And instead of reaching out for help when we need it we stay hidden and disconnected from others until we feel more ‘human’, more loveable, more acceptable to others when the sad thing is that is when we need connection the most. I know this has most definitely been so true in my life.

Sunday, before last, I had an amazing talk with my life coaching buddy in Australia and she asked me what my core belief about myself was. I said that for as long as I could remember my core belief has been that ” I am broken. ” (incidentally, on studying the enneagram I came to understand how the enneagram fours do essentially share this underlying feeling of “brokenness”. This feeling of being fundamentally wounded/flawed often causes deep distress in fours…especially if they don’t feel they have any deep dark secrets in their past to account for this ‘wound.’ It can leave us feeling very inauthentic and fake, which only deepens the pain.) The amazing thing about this challenge has been watching that core belief just dissipate. I definitely do not see myself as broken any more…my simple belief is that I am a perfectly flawed human being. I have spent the last 42 years of my life trying to be less sensitive, to stop over thinking everything and keep my negative emotions hidden. These 40 (+2) days have been about just learning to be me.

I had to laugh this morning when a friend sent me this message:

Flawsome (Flo-sam) Adjective

‘an individual that embraces their flaws and know that they are awesome regardless.

So I have decided that my new core belief is that I am flawsome. 😎

I think one of the most profound realizations I have had over this challenge is that I haven’t really had any time for my usual “black closet” days. Yes, I have definitely still had down days….but the fact that I always ‘had to write’, ‘had to keep connecting” meant that climbing into my closet wasn’t really an option. I even found that writing on those darker days actually meant I wrote some of my most healing posts.

So I just wanted to say a really big thank you to all of you that have supported me during this challenge. I really can’t even begin to describe how grateful I am for all the kind words and thumbs up 😂. I have truly felt so loved and encouraged. 💝💟💞

I think I might finally be ready to start blogging more regularly and will definitely start that soon. But for the next couple of days I am just going to enjoy not staring at my phone 😂😂

I think one of the best comments that I received during this time was from a colleague who asked: ” Whats wrong with you? Are you in love? ” 

I have to admit, I actually do think I might be in love….with myself. It’s about bloody time 😍😂😘

With 
All
My
Love

😇🐝🌟👣👣❤💕💥

Ps This video of Marissa’s is truly amazing…and had such a profound impact on me last year.

Just another quick thank you to all my friends that commented and supported me on this journey. I really do appreciate it…more than you know!!!

Ray James Well done Gayle! You have succeeded, and indeed exceeded, on your challenge!
I must say that I have thoroughly enjoyed going along the ride with you and will look forward immensely to your blogs when you start them! Keep it up! Xxx

Bronwyn Stedall It’s amazing being part of your journey honey-bunny!! And u must please keep writing 

Marieta Cronjé du Toit ENJOY your next few days… and then please get back to blogging!!!

Greg Moller Super impressive Gayle, you’ve been about two orders of magnitude braver than I could ever be. Nice one!

Terry Richards Have loved reading your posts Gayle – bring on the blog!

Helen Liddle You’ve made it! It’s been lovely to catch up with you, albeit rather one-sidedly!! Here’s to the next chapter…or book 

Liza Vermaak Like like like 

Samantha Ker-Fox So proud of you! Its been such a pleasure to read all your thoughts, views and processes. 
I agree with Mark… write book!!!! Loves xxx

Mark Bridge You should compile, edit and publish a book.

Samantha Ker-Fox So proud of you! Its been such a pleasure to read all your thoughts, views and processes. 
I agree with Mark… write book!!!! Loves xxx

Vanita Kennelly de Vos Congratulations you tackle and continue tackling your fears so you concur them. There are so many people like my husband that can’t acknowledge they are there. Thanks for your thoughts and seeing your growth.