Approximate reading time: 5 min

Written 5th April 2023

I just finished a live lecture

with Gabor

It left so much emotion

feelings so raw

He was working with a woman

who was struggling with her past

She’d had a sexual encounter

 that had left a deep mark

She said she was drunk

but she had definitely said no

The man simply said

 he wasn’t going to go

The sex wasn’t violent

it hadn’t been forced

But it still wasn’t consensual

 it hadn’t been endorsed

I couldn’t stop crying

I had to turn off my screen

Flushed by similar experiences

That had happened with me

It was like this light clicked on

I now understand

The shame that came

with my own one-night stands

I never planned to have sex

my intentions always good

I’d explain my reasons

As best as I could

I was looking for a relationship
for the real thing

I wasn’t up for casual sex

or having a fling

A couple of times

situations

 throughout the years

repeat and seem to reappear

When met with irritation

and slight outrage

I just lay there and listened

to their verbal rampage

“Is that what you really think of me?”

“That I’m that kind of man?”

“The kind who would go around having

one-night stands?”

Have I not made it clear that I really like you?

Do you really think I’m just here for a screw?“

When confronted with this

I would simply comply

It never ever dawned on me

to actually ask myself why?

Why did I feel like I had

absolutely no choice

to simply stand up for myself

and use my own voice

Why did I allow myself

to be verbally cajoled

Why was it so easy

to hand over my control?

I would wake up the next morning

be ushered out the front door

Feeling like nothing

                      But an absolute whore

I would berate myself endlessly

why did you go back to their place

Put yourself in that position

you are such a disgusting disgrace

******

The last relationship I had

was 4 years ago

It didn’t last long

(maybe a month or so?)

In hindsight, it was soon

after the death of my mum

(Dating while grieving

 should never be done!)

He was charming, gregarious

so full of life

Although my ‘first date’ gut reaction

Was:

“Something’s not right!”

But I ignored my gut feeling

I denied it any space

While I lectured myself

in utter disgrace

“What’s wrong with you?

Who do you think you are?

Why do you always have to have

such a high fucking bar?

At 42, you really can’t afford to pick and choose

Why do you always

have to be so dam confused?

When I came to my senses

and attempted to end things

I wasn’t quite ready

for the torrent of rage it would bring

He yelled and shouted

 that I was the one….

“Who had all the issues”

While he started cleaning his gun

I felt rooted to the spot

completely unsure

Instead of standing up

And simply walking out that fucking door

It was like this out-of-body experience

watching this go on….

Thinking

“This is not the type of man

with whom you belong“

I don’t think he was violent

but his intention was clear…

he was a bully whose desire

was to simply fill me with fear

Today my mind boggles

that I actually stayed the night

Had sex with that man

instead of taking flight

The next morning, I left

as early as I could

It’s like I came to my senses

saw the trees from the wood

I was back in my body

I was thinking clear

I didn’t want this man

 anywhere near…

But that night for me

was a COLOSSAL wakeup call

What about me allows

 men like this in at all?

In fairness, I feel the need

 to clarify and convey

most of my boyfriends

have been genuine and mainstay

But it’s the few toxic ones

I did allow in

Why did I allow them

under my skin?

Why did I settle for less

 ignore the red flags?

Overlook toxic behaviour

Justify it’s not that bad

Why did I continually

Make excuses and rationalise…

Why did I take on their shit

and internalise

that it was all my fault

I’m the one that’s wrong

If I could just try harder

then maybe I could belong?

It was after this experience

that I finally started to see

The toxic patterns and behaviours

which had developed in me…

How I hurt myself

over and over again

 With no clear boundaries

I simply allowed the toxicity in

I am the real perpetrator

of so much of my pain

I am the real perpetrator

of so much of my shame…

Me

Me

It’s always been me…

It wasn’t conscious

But sadly, I let it be…

And then it dawned on me tonight

 with such crystal clarity

How I minimised all the pain

that I carried with me

I was crying simply

 to release that pain

I was crying to finally

 let go of the shame

I was crying with the awareness

“Yes, I gave my power away…”

Defence mechanisms learnt as kids

become our everyday

When you don’t grow up feeling

 like your words carry any weight

It becomes easy for others

your decisions to dictate

I was crying with compassion

because I was just a girl

searching for love

and her place in this world

I was crying with gratitude

 for the love that I feel

Now that I have finally

started to heal…

But mostly I was crying

because of utter relief

That I wasn’t alone

 in carrying this grief….

Millions of women

around the world

act out the pain

of their own hurt little girls

Maybe by sharing my experience

letting go of my own shame

I might help someone, somewhere

to start to do the same…