Approximate reading time: 10 min

It’s been a good week:-)

I am currently 2 weeks DATING FREE... and I am starting to feel human again.

I am happy to report that my parent interviews for my assignment are finally getting coded.

The melancholy has subsided…..

and the zoning out on Netflix crap has been minimal.

On top of that, I went on

a hike.

I feel INORDINATELY proud of myself.

Allow me to explain.

I have made no secret of the fact that I am lazy as shit.

I don’t like walking.

(Or anything that remotely resembles exercise)

I can’t for the life of me understand why anyone would consider walking for 6 hours fun.

I know that there are people out there, like my best friend Rachel, who just

walking.

Rachel, the weirdo that she is, could quite happily spend the whole day walking if you let her. She gets some sort of kick out of it which, frankly, I will NEVER understand.

True story: I once spent a weekend with Rachel on her dad’s barge and Rachel used to jump off the barge and walk next to it for hours.

(Absolutely BONKERS if you ask me.)

Luckily, she has numerous other rather loveable characteristics, that make her worth keeping around despite this bizarre eccentricity.

PS In fairness to myself, all joking aside, I do realise how exercise often feels like it heightens my anxiety. As this Article by Alice Boyes describes the feeling of having a raised heart rate, sweating and other physical sensations closely mimics how you might feel when you are anxious and feeling dysregulated.

I have spent years trying to prevent THAT feeling!

(The fear of looking like an idiot when I can’t keep up is also never far from my mind.)

It has only been these last couple of years, as I have started to learn more about my anxiety and Complex PTSD that I have begun to understand my body more. As a result, I have started to build exercise into my life that has a lot of breathwork in it and that doesnt trigger my fight or flight reaction. ie Yin Yoga and Pilates

I will also admit that over the last ten years, or so, of friendship with Rachel …she has slowly induced a slight enjoyment of walking in me.

We go for a walk

(I can do about an hour)

We talk incessantly.

(I’m mentally stimulated and distracted from the fact that I am doing my least favourite thing in the world…exercise. )

We are out in the great wide-open world.

(I feel connected to beautiful Mother Nature)

and I will admit it…..

I enjoy it.

Walking Bailey for almost a year also seemed to push me out of my laziness/anxiety comfort zone.

But an hour has always been my maximum.

Anything longer than an hour is not necessary and not needed.

So why then, you might ask would I book myself on an 8.5 km hike that was predicted to take 3 hours?

Why indeed?

Well, I suppose it has dawned on me these last couple of years that I kind of like being outside. My love of nature has been an extremely slow process of awakening.

In 2012 I started to notice trees for the first time.

A couple of years later it was like:

“OH MY GOD FLOWERS!!!”

How have I lived 40+ years and never looked down and noticed a single flower before?

In 2021 I started to realise that that we live in a world filled with beautiful little creatures called birds that sing us gorgeous lullabies – if only we are willing to listen.

So yes, it’s been slow, but I have got there in the end.

I love being outside and I love being surrounded by nature….

so maybe a hike might be fun?

(Despite the fact that I have to walk)

I mean it was ONLY 2.5 hours long….I could cope with that!!!!

(And just think how proud Rachel would be of me!)

So, I signed up.

I put on my hiking shoes, which I bought two years ago,

when I initially thought that hiking might be a nice thing to try.

(Sometimes my good ideas need time to marinade)

I arrived at the meet-up spot with about 35 other eager hikers.

(Some of them were really not dressed appropriately,

just saying!

They DID NOT have proper hiking shoes!)

As I stood there waiting for the hike to start, I decided to sit back and watch the internal dialogue that was playing out in my head.

It was entertaining, to say the least.

Neurotic Angel was scanning the crowd eagerly for someone to ‘connect with’.

“Make a friend, make a friend!

You don’t want to be Billie no mates and start the walk all by yourself!”

Roxy, ever the confident and entertaining part, was longing to make herself known.

“You can do this!

Bring out the sparkle girlfriend!

Talking to new people is a piece of cake!!!”

Lola and Lila were, of course, also there in the background anxiously reminding me to be vigilant.

“Watch yourself!

You know what ALWAYS happens you get stuck talking to energy vampires who yammer on incessantly and won’t let you escape!

Don’t get trapped!!

DON’T GET TRAPPED!!!“

And then surprisingly out of all the chatter came a calm voice that said:

“What if you don’t talk to anyone and just start the walk ALL BY YOURSELF?“

Neurotic Angel was beyond agitated:

“Don’t be a fucking lunatic.

What will people think?

They might think you are rude and unfriendly or that you think you are BETTER than them!”

Roxy chimed in her two cents worth:

“Or worse yet!

What if they think that you are shy, embarrassed and lacking in confidence?

We have worked too hard and for tooooo long to banish that image of you.“

Lila and Lola who seem to be joined at the hip whimpered:

“I just want to fit in and make sure people like me.”

I decide to listen to the calm voice.

I stood and waited quietly.

The walk started and I was suddenly surrounded by a whole group of people incessantly talking to each other. Random conversations hitting my eardrums from all directions…it was enough to do my head in.

All I had wanted was to be in nature – not listen to other people’s daily life drama’s!

I wondered if maybe I should start my own ‘silent walking club?‘

(I’m good at banning stuff ya’ know!;-)

I moved to the back of the line and got a little much-needed distance from the group.

Neurotic angel was mortified.

“You are not a LONE WOLF you are supposed to be connecting with other human beings!

It’s called a MEET-UP FOR a REASON ya’ know.

So, you can MEET other people!!!”

I ignored her.

The only person I wanted to connect with was myself and nature!

I listen to the birds.

I took loads of photographs.

I surprisingly felt happy, calm and peaceful.

(Who would have thought?)

I spent the first 2.5 hours walking by myself.

A couple of ‘yammers’ tried to entice me into conversations, I answered their questions but made little effort to ask any back.

They got the message and moved on.

I wasn’t worried what they thought about me….

I felt comfortable enough to know that I had the right to enjoy the walk any way I chose.

I didn’t owe anyone an explanation.

I wasn’t responsible for keeping anyone entertained or company for the duration of the walk.

(It felt liberating, to say the least.)

Around about 5 o’clock….I was elated, I roughly only had another 30 minutes to go!

I was a TROOPER!!!!!

Then I overheard someone say:

“We are about halfway through now!”

“Um say what?”

My need to talk to another human being kicked in suuuuuuuuuuuper-fast.

“I thought we were finishing at 5.30pm?”

Their response back was:

“Oh, that’s normally just a rough guide….Bob’s walks NEVER end on time…..we still have another 6 km to go!!!

(WTF!!!!!!?)

“But the hike is 8.5 km and we have been walking for 2.5 hours?”

Much to the amusement of my fellow informant:

“Lol no it was 8.5 MILES that’s roughly 14 km. We still have a way to go dear!”

Oh, for the love of GOD!

Who uses miles in this day and age!

My arse was fucking killing me.

(Seriously it was like the muscles in my bum were starting to petrify.)

I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW I HAD THOSE MUSCLES.

My feet were aching…..even my abs and arms were sore!!!

And I wasn’t even halfway.

Stuck in a bush with no escape.

I was in physical hell!!!!

I ‘accidentally‘ made some new friends.

(I couldn’t help it, I needed moral support.)

They were very sweet and encouraging.

Including 72-year-old Dylis:

“YOU can do it!!”

We all yammered away incessantly for what seemed like hours.

I asked the group leader, Bob, how much longer we had to go and he said about 45 minutes.

An hour later I asked him again

“How much longer now?”

He said maybe another 30 minutes.

(Bob, CLEARLY, has time-keeping issues!)

In fairness, it didn’t help that a road was blocked at one point, which meant the whole group had to do a super long detour.

By the time we eventually reached our final destination

(Which apparently is always a Wetherspoon pub, because Bob loves Wetherspoons)

it was 7.15 pm

AND

I could barely walk!

I am NOT EXAGGERATING!

(This body was not built for exercise.)

After having a quick bite to eat and a lovely chat with my newfound support system…

I hobbled home painfully.

On Sunday morning I woke up in agony.

I had a bath….it didn’t help.

I realised that I was now probably going to have to fork out cash to get a massage because I feared I might have inadvertently broken my legs!

My Chinese massage parlour was a 25-minute walk away.

The agony people!!!

Just when it seemed like t I might not make it there alive, a thought popped into my head:

“But you survived a 14km hike!!!;-)”

I did!!!

And dare I say:

It was truly beautiful.

Despite the aching body, I felt relaxed and calm, for most of the afternoon.

I booked my next hike for next Monday, the last May bank holiday.

(It is only 4.5 MILES…..I think I might need to build up a little resistance first.)

Maybe, just maybe one day I might be able to say:

Imagine how cool that would be.

Watch this space!

Ps On the way home from the hike, I was busy staring at this beagle on this poster that was up on the underground wall.

I was thinking:

“Aaahhhh she reminds me of gorgeous Bailey”

And then I saw the writing on the poster.

Lol, what are the chances?

Synchronicity at its best:-)