Approximate reading time: 16 min
Apologies for being AWOL for a week.
It’s been a busy Christmas. 😉
One of my oldest friends Michelle, who I have been friends with for 41 years, was visiting her family in the UK and I got to spend 3 days with her, which was AMAZING.
It is worth noting that my inner child part ‘Lachelle’ who is responsible for ummmm…..cleaning up after me …was semi-named after/ inspired by Michelle.
Ever since we were kids Michelle has been a super tidy neat freak.
Michelle loves cleaning.
Lachelle does not.
Living with other people means that I have managed to consistently train Lachelle to clean up her shit….but sadly whenever I am living by myself
(Ie dog-sitting)
Lachelle goes on strike!
I am hopeful that 2025 will be a turnaround year for her!!!
(That’s the dream)
It needs to be said Lachelle was very grateful to sit back and let Michelle do what she loves MOST for a couple of days.
(In her defence…Lachelle did the cooking and provided Michelle with a lovely big house and the absolute cutest dog EVER for her entertainment purposes.)
For the rest of the week, I spent time with my new friend Jay
(who I met a couple of months ago)
and my friend Marisol came to stay with me over Christmas.
It is worth noting that Jersey is one of the most highly sensitive, mildly neurotic dogs ever…..and has on the odd occasion lunged at myself or my friends for no apparent reason, other than we were stroking her. After the initial ‘snap attack’ she seems to be inundated with guilt and crawls all over her victim while attempting to lick them to death.
In fairness to her, for the most part, she is the ABSOLUTE most adorable, loving dog ever.
Jersey also doesn’t do well being left alone for too long. As soon as I start getting dressed she assumes her ‘sulking’ position that involves either staring out of windows or simply staring at me with the most sorrowful eyes ever.
How a tiny little creature can induce so much guilt is beyond me.
After Christmas, my best friend Rachel came to stay.
I have to say this Christmas I have felt inundated with love.
Since 2019, this will have been my 4th Christmas alone. Partly due to COVID but also because I can’t afford to go home to South Africa every year. I will admit the build-up to my ‘away-from-family-Christmas‘s have always been pretty stressful….(as I have already written about before) It always feels like the ever-so-desperate underlying fear is:
How can I avoid being
ALONE!!!
(Urg that dreaded word!)
I am proud to say I have got consistently better at it,
getting dog-sitting jobs over Christmas have helped a lot.
This Christmas, however, was just absolutely lovely.
This Christmas I didn’t need to ‘try’.
It just felt like everything came together naturally.
It was such a powerful reminder of how much things can change.
Nothing is permanent!
So, I would just like to say a big thank you to all my friends who shared this Christmas period with me.
I am beyond grateful for you all.
It was a really special week.
(I think 2025 is going to be a great year:-)
And to all of you who join me weekly on my journey
It means a lot.
Written Monday 1st March 2022
Muddy water
This weekend was awful
I couldn’t stop the tears
Drowning in my thoughts
Suffocating in my fears
Is this it?
Is this it?
Is this really how it’s going to be
Me and myself
For all of eternity
I did my online yoga
(With the screen off, of course)
My inner child Lyla
Was clearly in full force
I allowed myself to feel
The pain and simply cry
Although I confess sometimes
I wish this part of me would die
This utter, sickening
Blackness in me
So much frustration at this part
That won’t set me free
Absolute exhaustion
At having to live in this world
(What the hell is going on
With my inner little girl?)
It feels like this state
Has been on and off for weeks
I know it always passes
But I just feel so weak
I feel broken
I feel lost
I feel so utterly alone
As this part clings to the fantasy
Of finding a “real home”
With a husband who adores me
Kids I can love
But basically, all I want
Is to simply feel enough
Or is it disillusionment
With all the pain that I see
Around me in the world
So much disconnect and toxicity
This deep desire to help
But it’s so clouded over by
This fundamental question:
I don’t understand why?
Why’s this world so broken
So, many people muddling through
Feeling hopeless and powerless
Like there is nothing I can do
So, I simply did nothing
I sat down to paint
I haven’t painted in 2 months
It felt lovely to reacquaint
Myself with my passion
How easily I forget
How painting pulls me magically
Right out of my head
And while I sat and painted
I decided to
Watch some old online lectures
As the hours quietly flew
Of the now-passed, philosopher
A man named Allan Wats
Pulling me back into Ventral Vagal
Helping me to join the dots
I love the matter-of-fact way
That this man talks
His tone of voice is hilarious
He is nothing but short…
Of a genius
A maverick
Someone way before his time
His reasoning and thinking
So similar and inline
With the philosophy that speaks
So clearly to my soul
We are never broken
We are never BROKEN
We are always whole
And he explains so simply
What’s going on
Why we struggle so much
Why we feel so desperate to belong
And for the millionth time
In my up/down life
I reconnected to myself
I let go of the
“Why?”
I was back in the present
All the fear released
Tuned into the love & compassion
Always dormant in me
Friday 5th March 2022
A Good day
I woke up this morning
(At ten to five!!!)
Feeling calm and relaxed
As I opened my eyes
I greeted my inner family
I had a good stretch
You seriously won’t believe
What the hell happened next!
I didn’t lie there
(Willing myself to move)
Or reset my alarm
For a ten-minute snooze
I got out of bed
And low and behold
Lachelle started cleaning
(Without even being told)
Like what the fuck!
Is she feeling alright?
That’s never been done
In her WHOLE ENTIRE life
Then I had a loooooong shower
(I mean there was so much time)
Not feeling rushed
Was absolutely sublime
I had a good hour
To meditate and quietly sit
Not having to do ‘anything’
Is quite simply bliss
I normally only have
Twenty minutes or so
Always rushing to get dressed
And get on the go
I set off to a school
(One I’ve never been to before)
On the other side of London
I felt nothing but SURE
Whatever happens in this
Nursery class today
I’d be able to cope
I’d be calm
I’d be Ok
I travelled to Tottenham
With a cheesy smile on my face
(When ‘Carys’ is driving
All I feel is pure Grace)
I love teaching Nursery
They are so adorably sweet
Today’s class, however
Was no easy feat
Beautiful kids lapping up love
Passed their way
But as always there’s that ONE
Delightful delta ray
The tiniest little boy
With so much pent-up rage
An insecure attachment
Unable to calmly engage
Continually reacting
Kicking and hitting out
At the smallest of provocation
He’d angrily scream and shout
So hurt at the slightest
Look from another child
The anger would explode
He’d spew out pure bile
Absolutely no ability
To see reason or have empathy
For another child’s experience
Only reacting with jealousy
Grabbing toys from others
Continually at loose ends
“He doesn’t want to play with me”
“She won’t be my friend”
And he’d argue with you
Until he was blue in the face
Explosive tantrums
(Rarely a minute of grace)
Both the TA’s
(Bless them)
Where at their wit’s end
As how to handle his behaviour
And help him transcend
I spent WAY too much time
During the day
Trying to help him regulate
Engaging him in play
In my head I was laughing
OMG this job’s insane
Why do I keep coming back
Again and again
As Neurotic Angel grilled me
(Ever so nigglingly)
“What do you expect?
Some sort of magical wizardry?
You are only here for a day
Drop it, let it go…
Nothing you do will affect
This child’s life, you know”
But I stayed in the flow
Calm and regulated
I didn’t feel overwhelmed
Anxious or frustrated
This was simply a tough day
That I needed to see through
My only focus was to be present
That was all I had to do
And at the end of the day
I went to the headteacher to chat
About how the nursery was struggling
To even stay on track
How I was worried about the TA’s
They were clearly run down
How this child was giving them
The complete run-around
I wanted her to hear it
From an outside source
Because that nursery isn’t coping
That’s for dam sure
With at least 4 other children
All with special needs
While this manic little angel
Zaps all the energy
And more than that it creates
An environment of fear
So many anxious children
Who don’t even want him near
Which only fuels his anger
Triggers more disconnect
As I spoke to her, I was calm
(Not the least circumspect)
She listened
She thanked me
She wholeheartedly agreed
And then we started chatting
Like two excited teens
About life
About our passions
About the attachment theory
The work of Gabor Mate
And her current degree
It was this beautiful connection
Without any constraint
And even though I might never EVER
See her again
It just filled my heart
With absolute delight
And for those 10 minutes
It felt like a beautiful green light
From the universe simply wanting
To gently remind me
You are in the right place
This is where you are meant to be
And as I now crawl into bed
(It’s 8 pm!)
My entire body is sore
My back is aching
But an epiphany!
An epiphany
(I kid you not!)
Absolute clarity
As to why I love this job
It’s about me learning to get comfortable
With impermanence
Accepting that every day
Will be unique and different
I never know where I’m going
I never know who I’ll meet
It’s about me letting go of this need
For elusive consistency
Relinquishing the illusion
That in order for me to feel safe
I need to be tied
To ONE singular place
It’s about knowing there will be days
When I’m completely in the flow
Days that I’ll hate
And that will trigger me so
But by facing new triggers
Every single day
I get to practice compassion
(Note to self: You’re OK!)
Reiterating the reminder
“You’re strong, you won’t crack!”
Every time I get triggered
I get to practice bouncing back
And supply teaching has given me
A complete bird’s eye view
Of so many of the similar snags
That schools struggle through
And it’s made me even MORE
Determined than before
To keep learning and speaking up
About things
I can’t ignore