Approximate reading time: 14min

Written the 3rd July 2021

I’ve been writing reports

for the last three weeks

 it’s been exhausting and tiring

 (Been feeling pretty bleak)

So conscious of my jaw

that’s clenched like a rock

But I’m happy I’m learning

to quietly take stock

Of my emotions

my feelings

 inside of me

And how they also manifest

physically

That being said I had a bad start

 walking to school yesterday…

Unable to keep the anxious tears

Locked down and away

So, I just let them flow

 I sobbed all the way to school

(Honestly, I felt like a right fucking fool)

But I reminded myself

To focus on my breath

  Mindful that somehow

I always reconnect

And then the serenity prayer

(From my Co-dependent Anonymous days)

Popped into my head

And quietly replayed

I walked through the school gate

 a zillion nerves on fire

My negative voices serenading me

(My own toxic choir)

Another teacher, Rob

inquired how I was

I said OK

 but it was probably obvious…

I repeated his question

 (I mean I am always polite)

Rob mumbled angrily

 through lips pursed tight

“I just want to be anywhere

anywhere but here

I am so completely done

with this whole entire year.”

I laughed out loud

 I appreciated him being real

At least he is honest

and owns how he feels

The words that came flooding

gently back to me

************

That morning as I stood

 at the school front gate

Greeting children and parents

with my happy, fake face

The first two children that arrived

 where my most challenging ones

the beginning of the day

for them is never much fun

Andrea has a mum

as lovely as can be

but bless this child struggles

 with her own anxiety

She is a highly sensitive child

 with so much love to show

(Perhaps on the autistic spectrum

 we don’t yet know)

But overwhelmed by sadness

 almost every day

She wonders around the class

unable to play

She struggles to connect

genuinely with her peers

Sometimes she is overwhelmed

 by all of her fears

She makes up excuses

 whenever she is feeling sad

“I miss my granny

or the cat we used to have!”

I know you shouldn’t have favourites

(But I adore this child so)

It has been absolutely amazing

 to watch how she has grown

Her mum and I have worked

so well as a team

To try to figure out what it is

That this child needs

I have done my absolute best

to give her tools

That might help to calm her

while she is in school

She can sit in our calming area

she knows how to breathe

If she needs a hug

she comes and finds me

It has been the most beautiful feeling

Watching her learn to regulate

Starting to realise that her sadness

does eventually abate

To know that even

 if she doesn’t have the words

To explain what’s going on

in her little child world

That its ok

It doesn’t matter

she is still safe

Sometimes the sadness

just needs its own space

And when she feels better

she comes out of her cocoon

 She is bubbly and happy

singing a different tune

Happy Andrea is such

an engaging, delight

It’s like someone has literally

turned on her light

She starts playing with other children

she is so adorably sweet

This is a child that anyone

would love to meet

But coming to school in the mornings

It is often very hard

Andrea is sad, withdrawn

and always on guard

But yesterday morning

 Andrea arrived at that gate

 with a huge beaming smile

“Ms Hill I feel great!”

It just warmed my heart

and touched me so

How amazing to have a job

where I get to help children grow?

With this pinch of gratitude

came another deep breath

Slight recognition

 my anxiety’s a little less

**********

And then Jade arrived

my biggest concern is for this child

There is something inside her

So hurt and so wild

An avoidant attachment

it is so heartbreaking to see

She is dismissive, cold

and as angry as can be

If Jade had her own poem

it would be called “The mean girl”

she can be nasty, manipulative

the classroom churl

Jade is only four

And this precious child

 has never been taught

how to be gentle or mild

 She epitomises for me the saying:

 “Hurt people hurt!”

 but at times I’m at a loss

 how to help her through it

Sadly, what I have noticed

about this little girl

 is how so many of the children

 have her up on a pedestal

Always so desperate

to be her friend just for the day

 until it comes time for her

 to dismissively say:

“You are not my friend

anymore!”

You can visibly see how

she shuts that door

She’ll ignore the child

Find a new friend

while throwing back filthy looks

(every now and then)

Every single day there

are heartbreaking tears

But like moths to a flame

 they keep going back it appears

 So, I try my absolute best

to connect with this little girl

To strengthen her emotional resilience

give her just a pearl

of wisdom that she has worth

she is innately good

To help build up that core belief

developed in childhood

 But I’ll admit at times

 it’s so frustratingly hard

so conscious of her hurt

that impenetrable guard

 I watch as she manipulates

 lies and gaslights

 her sense of entitlement

how she is always right

 It scares me watching her

putting on this mask

pretending she doesn’t care

when she can’t do a task

And at the back of my mind

 I worry

I fret

 I only have her for six months

when she leaves will she forget?

 That she is loved

 she is worthy of so much more

That I know in her heart

 there is kindness for sure

 So, Jade arrives at the gate

her usual sullen self

 eyes that mistrust

 the deviant little rebel

I pull her in closer

in an attempt to counteract

Her anger and frustration

in our usual morning chat

“What’s wrong, my sweetheart?

You look rather mad

Is there something that happened

to make you feel sad?

“I hate school!”

she spits

“This is not where I wanna be!

I want to stay home with my toys

and just watch TV!”

I acknowledged her frustration

I validated her rage

“Can I tell you a secret?”

her eyes widened engaged

“Sometimes I also

don’t want to come to school

this morning I thought

staying at home would be rather cool

To do things that I find fun

 things that I enjoy

Trust me, at home

 I have lots of my own toys!”

Jade burst into giggles

she visibly relaxed

 I watched a beautiful smile

Slowly make its tracks

“Now go be the gorgeous

kind girl, I know you are

Remember our holidays

 are really not that far

4 short weeks and then

 we can do what we please

Imagine six weeks of holiday“

I gave her arm a squeeze

 As Jade skipped into school

 my heart warmed some more

 I can’t worry about her future

or what’s behind her next door

 All I need is to love her

 every single day

 and hopefully some of that

will stick with her and stay

Take another deep breath

 conscious of how much I have calmed

Sometimes kids for me

are like tiny magic wands

Gratitude rushes in

My heart feels full

My body relaxes

it knows the drill

*********

Good Lord

He had to go

Oh my God I’ve been writing

for three whole hours

my anger has dissipated

(I feel slightly empowered)

Not being able to write

 in these last three weeks

With these stupid reports

Looming over me

I have missed quite a lot

that has been going on

 While mentally logging poems

 my internal songs

For starters my school

agreed to employ me full time

 the head teacher apologised

clarified my teaching was fine

(Why do I feel

like I’ve been here before?

This is not the first time

I’ve written this I’m sure!

But hallelujah it seems

we are once again back on track

Perhaps I should request

 it’s embalmed on a plaque?)

And suddenly the schools budget

Magically seems to be sound…

I’m so proud of myself

for standing my ground

********************

Unfortunately, on

a more sombre note

the time has come…

For my yoga instructor to go

My attempts to not balk

Simply run away

 Were absolutely foiled

(Is all I can say)

I tried to stick it out

 I honestly did!!!

But going to his sessions

were starting to fill me with dread

Yes, my body has got stronger

So much more conscious of how I breathe

Yoga has most definitely

 had a positive effect on me

But in my session on Tuesday

    I was in so much fucking pain…

 it was like my body was screaming

“Please don’t come here again!”

I suggested we slow things down

Perhaps just stretch and breathe

 because my back was spasming

 shooting pain through me

It was like I threw a proverbial

spanner into the works

How dare I speak up and say:

“Dam this hurts!”

 He seemed to have no backup plan

and was utterly at a loss

(Well, that was my perception

of how he came across)

 His frustration was palpable

 he didn’t know what to do

 I’d fucked up his ‘plan’

his underlying irritation grew

He made the suggestion

 the next time I’m in pain

perhaps it would be better

 if I simply stayed away

Oh my God I was so irritated

I wanted to roar

“I wasn’t in this much pain

when I walked through that bloody door!

 You keep pulling and pushing

my poor inflexible body

To do all the things

YOU want to see!”

But I stayed calm

I pointed out, ever so gently

 that MY goal was

to turn up

consistently

To work with my body

where ever it may be at

(Not simply cancel

at the drop of a hat)

Make space for compassion

For my anxiety to heal

To learn to tune in

to what my body feels

Yoga boy looked at me like

I was sprouting Greek

(I must admit at this point

 the prognosis looked bleak)

It just really felt awkward

 I could feel both of our shame

Emotionally he just couldn’t handle

me being in physical pain

It dawned on me suddenly

 this isn’t a safe place

For me to be authentic

 my own feelings embrace

I’m so tired of caretaking

other people’s needs

This space is supposed to be

 about me healing me

I had no more energy to even fake

 attempting to be strong

A voice in my head said:

“That’s it I’m done!”

So, I lost £300

(He only refunded half back)

But honestly, I really couldn’t

give a continental fuck

It’s money well lost

if I am finally free

From annoying yoga boy

who just wasn’t meant for me