Approximate reading time: 6 minutes

I find it very interesting how so much of my life at the moment,

somehow seems to link in with each new poem at hand.

Same life lessons,

different contexts.

******

So, last week was pretty great.

I was a happy mummy to one doggy child.  

While walking Bailey on Wednesday I was actually thinking how lovely it is that my anxiety about her getting into another scrap had almost completely dissipated.

Happy days:-)

 As I walked to the first dog training park, I saw Miserable Olga sitting on ‘her’ bench

so I decided to give THAT park a wide berth.

The one thing I have learnt about toxic people is,

 if you can avoid being in their space …

then do it!

(Unfortunately, in most jobs you don’t have that luxury)

I then decided to go to another dog training park a little walk away.

As we entered, I turned around to close the gate and I saw the owner and her dog,

the very dog which had attacked my little ……

(uhmm)

angel a couple of weeks ago.

 I obviously decided it wouldn’t be a good idea to stay there and said as much to her.

“Oh hello, I think I’ll leave because our dogs got into a little bit bit of a scrap last time”

The owner’s face went from smiling to furious in less than a second as it dawned on her who

we were.

Brusque Dog-owner: “I had to had a tetanus shot you know!”

(Umm yes, so I have been informed!)

“I had a huge bruise…I mean SCAR from where

YOUR dog bit me!”

(Which was it lady?

A bruise or a scar?

Catastrophizing at its best)

It was at this point, I felt Mara-Kares rise up inside me and say the only mature and logical thing I could possibly think of in that moment!

“Your dog attacked my dog first!”

As the words came out of my mouth

I knew I shouldn’t have said anything!

(How old am I,

six?)

 And yes, of course, it was like throwing a can of petrol into a fire and set the woman off on a rampage!

“NO, your dog attacked mine and I have witnesses!”

(Yep, and I am pretty sure I know who your ‘witness’ is.

Miserable Olga who was sitting reading her paper

(as she always does) right at the ooooooooooooooooother end

of the dog park when the attack happened)

“Not only did your dog attack mine

but she has attacked other dogs as well!”

Huh?

Really?

It was at this point I was able to reign Mara-Kares in as I realised that any type of argument or rational discussion with this woman would be futile. I should have just kept my mouth shut in the first place….

(Unfortunately, Mara-Kares is a little hard to muzzle sometimes).

Two things I have learnt well about how toxic people fight:

No 1: Toxic people love nothing better than pulling other people into your disagreement…

It’s never just a complaint that they have about you.

Somehow they become the designated spokesperson for all people of the world that have an issue with you.

It’s one thing to try and defend yourself against one person,

but when you are being told that a whole host of other people also feel this way it often feels a little soul-destroying.

The hard part is learning

(or training yourself)

NOT to fall down the rabbit hole of trying to defend yourself.

No 2: They twist things to suit their purpose.

In the 8 months that I have walked Bailey, she has not ONCE attacked any other dog.

(Ok, well not a living dog then!)

True, Miserable Olga saw me pulling Bailey off Dolly a couple of weeks ago….

however Bailey was not attacking Dolly, but she was just playing too rough.

There is a big difference.

I realise by now that trying to argue this point or even attempting to explain this rationally to her would make no difference at all.

This poor little beagle

(and her owner)

had already been tried and convicted!

So, I am standing there just wanting to get away, but I can’t because Brusque Dog Owner is still standing in front of the gate and I can’t get out.

(I am not sure what she wants from me?)

Calmer, more rational Gayle might have simply apologised sweetly in an attempt to smooth over Brusque Dog Owners’ inflamed ego.

(Unfortunately, Calmer, more rational Gayle was nowhere to be found.)

I ask her to please move, out of my way.

As I walk away

My heart is pounding

My chest is tight

My internal mother reminds me just to breathe.

“You saw what happened with your own eyes…trust yourself!”

My inner child Lila feels like she wants to cry.

“I hate conflict.

I hate conflict.

I really do.”

Mara-Keres is tutting:

“Honestly, what a ridiculous woman

don’t let her get to you!”

Neurotic Angel is highly annoyed at me for being such a baby

“OMG

Seriously?

You call this conflict?

 People have survived WARS and genocides and coped better than you!

WOMAN-UP dammit all”

I am feeling completely and utterly dysregulated and poor Bailey is dragged along for another 30-minute walk until I have calmed myself down.

I then go home to hibernate until I feel more like myself again.

I am conscious that I feel slightly frustrated with myself that I STILL have these types of overreactions to such minor insignificant things.

Sometimes it feels like my happy life is punctuated by a never-ending litany of tiny emotional fires that need to

be put out

continually….

Is it ever going to get any easier?

The next day this article describing the traits of being a Highly Sensitive Person pops into my feed and it just reminded me to cut myself some slack.

(Points 10 and 11 especially)

I found myself thinking about how 3 years ago whenever I felt emotional or triggered by conflict I would have either

a) Burst into tears

b) Blow up at the other person in a manic rage

or both.

Five years ago, I would have driven to the shop to buy cigarettes,

chain-smoked the entire box while sobbing my eyes out and desperately trying to call someone…

anyone that would listen

anyone who could remind me that I am enough…

because I had no way of doing that for myself.

******

This time I didn’t cry

I didn’t need to call anyone

I calmed myself

It didn’t feel great but in the big scheme of things,

I think that’s progress.

(It is getting easier:-)

Written the 20th May 2021

Dysregulation

Today I saw something

 I absolutely abhor

Something that triggers me

 to the very core

Someone gripping the arm

of a small child

furiously yelling down at them

dysregulated and wild

Now the child has behaviour issues

I cannot deny

I had heard her screaming

 for 5 minutes outside

She is wilful often rude

never does what she is told

She is brazen and loud

and always a bit bold

I get that she is tough

when you have a class of 23

but at the end of the day

 she is still only 3

***

I watched in horror

as her mum

yelled yesterday

It was horrible to hear

the things she had to say

The rage on the mum’s face

the contorted look of disgust

This was a mum

that no child could trust

So, my heart opens up

to this lost little girl

I feel for her

I understand

the pain in her world

Yes, she is difficult

and I completely get it

Simply modelling a mum

who struggles with her own shit

When children act atrociously

 we need to stop and ask why

We need to figure out what

their behaviour implies

Schools should be the safe haven

That these kids need

A place to catch their breath

and get up to speed

I stepped in to helped

I calm the child down

But for the rest of the day

I could barely smile

I was completely dysregulated

 I felt like I wasn’t there

going through the motions

with a blank stare

I taught my kids

 but I couldn’t emotionally connect

(How is it simply witnessing shouting

 has such a negative affect?)

I was able to have compassion

simply inquire what was going on…

What emotions were being triggered

what was really wrong?

I notice rage and anger

for not simply standing up to say

“Screaming at kids is never okay!”

For years I’ve said nothing

I’ve witnessed this so many times before

Who am I to judge?

Turn your head, just ignore!

So often when confronted

 in situations like this

My body speaks loudly

its defence being IBS

I’d be in such physical pain

 I’d need to go hide

A physical symptom

to match the intense shame inside.

The shame of not being able

to stand in my truth

I grew up in a home with rage

 so I know the damage it can do

 I came home early

I cried for half an hour

That is the last time I say nothing

 and give away my power

I have the right to say please

don’t ever scream at a child

Try have a little compassion

for why they are wild

When we scream and react

we are only triggered by own pain

hidden behind our anger

is our own toxic shame

It’s a reaction

not a solution

just notices it as such

And then learn to have compassion

as to why you’re triggered so much.

Life by Florida Georgia Line @ https://youtu.be/ux_OeszVBJg