Approximate reading time: 6 min
Written 14th of April 2021
I’m exhausted!
I’m exhausted!
I’m so fucking tired
My defences are shot
I feel so completely wired
No safety, no containment
just over-sensitivity
I’m so fucking exhausted
of people’s opinions hurting me
I get it!
I know…
I give them that power
I’m the one who’s
the fucking orchid flower
I got judged quite badly
in a CI session today
I got so over emotional
I couldn’t even stay
When I’m triggered
I run away like a small child
all my internal voices
are screaming like wild
The hurt wasn’t intentional
I do realise that
But that still didn’t stop
the pain of the cut
Apologies were made
(I SHOULD move on)
But I can’t stop crying
I just don’t feel very strong
I hate having to open up
And continually share
with people that I feel
no genuine connection or care
It’s like walking on coals
constantly fearful of being burnt
I feel like this lesson’s
been a million times learnt….
Not everyone will understand you
or where you are now
always be careful of who you allow…
“Protect your heart
be watchful with who you share
Don’t simply trust
and lay your heart bare“
But the core of this CI course
is emotional agility
opening your heart
embracing vulnerability
So I really don’t know
where to go to, from here
right now I don’t have
the strength to endure
I just want to quit…
throw my hands in the air…
This poem is my attempt
to elicit some self-care
*****
And you judge me?
Ok now I admit it
FUCK IT I’m feeling pissed
This is not the first time
I have felt judged like this
I need to write more about
what happened today
“9 years of therapy?
And you’re still not OK?”
In fairness, it wasn’t directed
straight at me
just using ‘me’ as the example
for others to see….
“See therapy doesn’t work
there is something very wrong…
If people have to ‘rely’ on a therapist
for so long”
I’ll be honest this isn’t the first time I’ve been told
my therapy is a crutch
(People are quite bold)
Happy to insinuate that therapy is weak
Surely, I should be able to stand alone
(so, to speak)
Of course, this is often sprouted
As people stand
With a cigarette in their lips
or a drink in their hand
I mean it’s ok to be hooked in
and rely on stuff like that
but spending money on emotional support…
“Oh no that’s just crap!!?”
I’ve tried many crazy therapies
throughout the years
and the judgement from these people
have often left me in tears
“Oh, therapy ppppfff
what’s the use of that
what I do will heal you
in less time than that!”
When that implication is made
I have learnt to walk away
My journey is not a sprint
it’s simply about feeling ok
Trusting my own path
learning to be kind
releasing the relentless search
a desperate answer to find
I once had a coaching mentor
who often bragged that
she could coach any person/any topic
in 8 minutes flat
Now this was a woman
at the top of her field
who was insinuating she
all the answers could yield
The arrogance of that comment
floored me
(even then)
Who are you to assume what’s going on
under my skin?
Our answers never come
from an outside source
they are all within
just waiting for their voice
And sometimes what that voice
simply needs is time
(Seriously is that
such a fucking crime?)
My therapist has never
told me what to do
he simply encourages
helps me to work through….
The overwhelming feelings
that so often drown my thoughts
He models perspectives
that as a child I was never taught
He reminds me that relational trauma
can’t be healed cognitively
it’s healed through relationship
and just learning to be
As I look through the years
at how my relational circle has grown
How I have developed deeper friendships
than I have ever known
People who love me
who 100% have my back,
who are comfortable with my emotions
and who remind me I’m on track
I don’t think I could have found
such unconditional support
If learning to trust hadn’t been modelled
through time slowly taught
So, for the next person that makes
a similar comment to me
this is what I will say respectfully to thee
“Please do me a favour,
leave your judgment on the shelf
Perhaps look at your own vices
Why not analyse yourself?
When you are happy
certain there are none left to see
Then by all means come share your judgment with me.”