Approximate Reading time: 3 min
Written the 5 March 2021
I had a CI training session last night
I was determined there wouldn’t
be a bloody tear in sight
Last week’s session I was a weeping,
blubbering mess
overwhelmed and confused
about stupid flatmate stress
So, I chose a topic that was safe and mundane
that wouldn’t cause tears
or trigger any pain.
My simple intention:
Should I put my poems online?
I haven’t published anything
for the longest of time
I felt like I had my answer
(already sorted, in my head)
but I was curious to investigate
what my body said
I know 2020 was the year for me
to practice sitting quietly
learning how to breathe
I’ve conquered solitude,
being on my own
my enjoyment in my own company
has significantly grown
But my head says
“You’re not ready
you still need more time
There is still a way to go
before you’re ready to go online“
I was wondering if this feeling
simply masked a hidden fear.
I hoped that a session
might make it more clear
(Aren’t we always told:
“Carpe diem!”
Seize the day!
Banish your fears don’t let them stand in your way!)
My facilitator asked where my anxiety would start
She asked me to breathe and sit for a bit
with my hand on my heart
(I felt the tiniest of shifts)
My heart vice lessened
warmth spread through
(Strange what simply being present
with another person can do)
We sat quietly, she asked
Where do you feel at home in your body?
I burst into tears as the words that came to me
“Absolutely nowhere.”
Nowhere at all……
as emotions flooded over me
I felt like such a fraud
“No, wait!
That’s not true I feel at home in my head
with the billions of words,
I’m always trying to thread.”
Dammit all
I was crying
What an epic fail!
(I’d soooooo wanted to present calm & centred Gayle)
Then she asked me
still with my hand on my heart
“What’s the answer to your intention
that your body imparts”
Without a shadow of a doubt, I simply said:
“The answer is no
(and that’s not coming from my head)
I really need to continue,
to spend time with me
Loving myself
continuing to breathe
When I’m stronger
less emotional
when my anxiety’s not so raw
That’ll be when I can open my heart door
This is not fear
this is listening to my gut
continuing to wait patiently
avoiding the need for shortcuts
It’s about letting go of the clocks
silencing time
Accepting where I’m
at this present moment
is just fine
I don’t need to do more
than simply find time for me
Learning to be the container,
that my inner child so needs.
