Approximate reading time: 23 minutes
It’s been a good week.
I finished my first master’s assignment, so feeling relatively proud of myself:-)
Although can I just say how grateful I am that I’m not a full-time academic. I am currently working on my next assignment which is about comparing the symptoms of Developmental Trauma with PTSD. I attempted to be all adventurous-like, and move off the prescribed reading list!
(Honestly, what was I thinking?)
Half the books I tried to ‘read’ made me want to cry! I could barely even get through the preface…..
I mean I am by no means stupid, but hell it must be eXhAuStInG being that intelligent.
NOTE TO SELF: Stick to the bloody prescribed reading list!
Ok, in all honesty, I find myself a little awe-struck at times.
(Or is that ever so slightly intimated? The line is so blurred)
These people have devoted their entire lives to researching a cause and have contributed in such a meaningful way to making the world a better place!
Every now and then Neurotic Angel jumps in to interrogate me on why I am even doing this?
She loves nothing more than reminding me:
“You are a little late in the game don’t ya think?!”
I remind her continually that the world is filled with late bloomers!
Harry Bernstein gained literary fame with his first novel at 96 and wrote 3 more before his death at 101!
Harland Sanders was 62 years old when he first franchised Kentucky Fried Chicken (KFC). He sold the business for $2 million dollars 12 years later at the age of 74.
Gladys Burrill began her marathon running career at the age of 86. She became the oldest women to ever run a marathon at 92!
Anna Mary Robertson Moses began her painting career at age 78. She lived to be 101 and enjoyed a very successful career in the arts.
Plenty of time Neurotic Angel!!!;-)
*****
So I have found myself thinking quite a bit about this concept of “mentalizing” that I have been learning about over the last couple of months.
Essentially mentalising refers to the ability to understand ourselves and others in terms of mental states (i.e. needs, desires, feelings, beliefs, goals and reasons) It’s that much-needed skill that equates to us, as healthy adults, being able to empathize and imagine how others might feel in any given situation.
In the context of parenting and attachment, it is about a parent being present and in intune enough with the child and their environment to help them make meaning of their tiny world.
Mentalizing is about helping them to find the words to explain their experiences, their feelings and their thoughts.
A very basic example to illustrate this would be a toddler stumbling on a wayward marker and then deciding to create their own Jackson Pollack all over their mother’s beautiful, newly painted lounge wall.
Granted in 20 years it might be worth thousands but most parents would be ever so slightly mortified at this discovery. Needless to say how a parent interprets their child’s actions will vastly affect their own reaction. If the parent feels like the child has deliberately done this to upset them, or that their behaviour is just simply ‘naughty’
eg “They should know better!”
then their reaction will be punitive, fuelled by anger.
On the other hand, if a parent has the emotional capacity to understand that it’s a toddler’s job to explore and discover new things then they will not blame their child for this lack of adult understanding.
They could more easily recognise that this unsightly ‘creation’ (although frustrating) was born out of their “Little Picasso’s” innate instinct to learn and explore and has absolutely nothing to do with them intentionally trying to be naughty. Yes, the parent might express sadness that this has been done but they are able to do so in a calm and empathetic way that doesn’t leave the child feeling shamed.
Peter Fonagy is a Hungarian-born British psychoanalyst and clinical psychologist who specialises in early attachment relationships. He explains how children are continually looking at their parents, trying to understand the meaning of their actions through their parent’s reactions. During any exchange, there are essentially two people trying to read each other and a parent’s intuitive understanding of the child can either make an experience joyful/meaningful or something that becomes a source of anxiety for the child. When parents jump to conclusions about the child’s intentions and the child’s spontaneity is judged too harshly the child feels understandably hurt and confused. At that moment, the parent is imprinting their belief about what is happening onto the child. When a parent reacts with rage and anger the implicit messages that are being sent to the child are:
eg “You make bad choices”
“You don’t do the right thing”
“You can’t be trusted”.
It is well known that the amount of time that is spent with a child is less important than the quality of the time spent together. Fonogy goes on to stress that this ‘quality time’ has little to do with how much fun or enjoyment is being shared with the child. This quality time has more to do with parents engaging with their children and helping them to solve problems that the child might not be able to solve themselves.
So essentially quality time is problem-solving time.
If that channel can be reserved between the parent and child, then the child learns to feel safe and their mind opens up to the possibility of solutions and problems being found in the social network around them.
If, for example, the parent is able to talk to the child calmly, explain how we don’t draw on walls and then engage the child in helping to wash the wall together, the message that is sent becomes
“I did something I shouldn’t have done, but we were able to fix it together”
The good news, according to Fonogy, is that even if a parent only gets this right 50% of the time then that is essentially good enough! As he so rightly points out if children had parents that were perfectly in tune and sensitive to all of their needs, ALL of the time, that also wouldn’t prepare them for real life.
*******
As I have started to unravel this concept of mentalizing I have consequently begun to also comprehend the role that mentalising has had in my own therapy.
I admit that most days that I log on for my therapy session my mind kinda feels like this…
I am simply overwhelmed by a zillion thoughts, ideas and worries all tangled up together in an almighty-fucking-mess and me having very little idea as to how to even untangle it.
My therapist provides this safe place, free from judgement and advice
(Urg I hate people telling me what to do)
that allows me to start to untangle the mess, one thread at a time, (with a little bit of help.)
I am very conscious that there have been times that I have walked into a session with a pretty harsh judgment of myself over a particular incident.
I have noticed how my therapist never shares that judgment and consistently has compassion for that part of me that is judging.
(Sometimes he simply validates my feelings, making me feel a little less irrational.)
But mostly he is curious to understand what is going on underneath that initial feeling of anger and judgment. He persistently models compassion, curiosity and understanding for me which in turn helps me keep my own inner door open to a kinder less judgemental me. Don’t get me wrong, there have been many a time when he has reflected something back to me and gently encouraged me to consider if I could, perhaps, be a little more Ummm…. flexible or a little less unyielding.
(While I don’t very much enjoy those times, I have learnt to embrace them
especially since this feedback is always given kindly and without blame).
The reason I have come to value and respect his opinion so much is that I truly appreciate the image of myself that he continually reflects back to me. He never makes me feel like someone who is lost, broken or in need of fixing.
The message I continually receive from him is:
That I am a good person,
that I am doing my best,
and that he is genuinely happy to be on this journey with me.
Mentalising at its best.
Consequently what I have also come to appreciate is how my poetry, in many ways, has pretty much begun to serve the same function for me. It’s like I finally found this way of untangling the threads without the support of anyone else. Nowadays if I am feeling very emotional or triggered I’ll sit down and start typing in a frenzied and manic state.
By the time I get to the end of the poem I inevitably always feel better.
(A mild understatement – I literally feel like a different person)
Granted some poems can take me a week/month to finish….but I get there in the end. Through the random knitting of words, I simply give myself time to process all my worries and my feelings. It has become my own way of opening that door to a kinder and more compassionate self.
Over these last two years of writing poems, I have started to trust my own opinion more and be less swayed by other people’s judgement and criticism of me. I have started to truly love the person I am, and I think most importantly I have been able to let go of that very damaging illusion, that I have clung to my whole life, of having a tangle-free mind!
Life is simply messy!
The only difference between me now, and me 15 years ago, is that….
now, I get that!
I seem to have slowly built up this reservoir of evidence that no matter what happens, no matter how difficult things get, I always get through it and I always bounce back.
It’s funny this all got me thinking about a book that I got given 14 years ago.
“Don’t sweat the small stuff!” by Richard Carlson.
It was given to me as a birthday present from a very good friend of mine who undoubtedly wanted to help me with the continual-over-load that was ‘MY-MIND!’
Fucking hell but I hated that book!!
(Sorry Richard it’s not personal!)
For the life of me, I can’t even remember what was in it……
all I remember was I couldn’t get through it!
And the reason I couldn’t get through it?
Because I was far too busy sweating all the small stuff!!!
Which ultimately lead to a torrent of shame!!!
Especially since my friend loved the book so much and he was such a cool calm, collected influence in my life.
(Damit all if I could only finish that bloody book!)
I realise now, the futile frustration that came from so many years of trying to follow ‘other peoples’ paths to success, joy and happiness. For my journey, I needed to master this basic mentalising skill first. I literally had no space in my head or heart to even hear any of Mr Carlson’s wise advice.
What I needed was time, patience and the right to acknowledge,
for myself,
that the small stuff DOES matter!!
For so many years I had been trying to inhibit and push down all the worries and concerns that I thought I shouldn’t be worrying about. I was bogged down by this unhealthy image that so many of those authors and gurus
(whom I feverishly read and watched)
had somehow managed to get it all sorted!
And I wanted that!
NOW.
It was exhausting.
I needed to learn that life is in the messiness, it’s in all the uncertainty and it’s in the journey of one step forward, two steps back!
But most importantly I needed to learn that I had the right to simply…
feel……
To feel angry,
To feel hurt,
To feel happy,
To feel overwhelmed,
To feel exhausted,
To feel joy,
To feel hopeless
Oh my god to feel proud!!!
And to feel grateful!
Grateful beyond words that through my writing I get to experience every single emotion that makes me,
me!
Written the 22nd February 2021
Dear God, please I have to ask.
Please, please help this anxiety to pass.
So many variables, spinning through my mind.
So hard to pinpoint, why I’m struggling this time?
A new job working in a school (permanently),
the feeling of being tied down, could it be?
Don’t get me wrong, I love the school more every day.
(I love it so much I actually WANT to stay.)
But it’s this unconscious fear, bubbling underneath.
It’s only a matter of time, before they too show their teeth.
Or the underlying belief that I don’t fit in or belong.
(Which has sadly become my unconscious song.)
Or how about when they realise they made a mistake?
That I really can’t teach I’m just a huge fake?
My head knows it’s irrational!
(And so not true!)
After 22 years of teaching, I know a thing or two!
******
For two years now, I’ve been supply teaching,
I’ve come home every day, absolutely beaming.
I loved that job, the anonymity.
Being a stranger every day avoids most hostility.
I felt safe and secure, always the new kid on the block.
Never settling down long enough to have to take stock.
You see if you keep moving, like a ship in the night,
you will never have to deal with conflicts or fight.
Constant moving means people rarely notice your flaws.
On the occasions they do, 3.30 you’re out the door!
Awkwardness?
Horrible teachers?
Bullish TA’s?
A call to your agent at the end of the day.
“No thank you,
I’m not really a fan of THAT school!
Please can I go to another,
that’s a little more cool?”
******
In the movie “Chocolat” Johnny Depp explains why
“The price of belonging is just too high
You end up carrying what people think of you.”
(OH my God that is just so fucking true!)
I tried a couple of times, to commit to long term
and it literally felt like my soul got burned.
I adored the kids, but as far as I could see:
It really wasn’t worth all the extra anxiety.
So, I made up my mind. No long-term teaching anymore.
But it appears my plan, had one tiny flaw.
The universe
(AGAIN!)
decided, TO HELL with that!
We’re going to squash those limiting beliefs FUCKING flat!
For two months last year, I was inundated with job offers.
Seriously,
(On my life!)
I’ve never had so many proffers.
I stood my ground, I said:
“NOOO not for me!
But after a while, I gave the universe this plea:
“If you want me to teach full time, so damn much!
Then these are my demands from which I will not budge!
Find me a school in my neighbourhood.
I won’t walk more than 30 minutes!
Is that understood?
Wait!
Where are you going? I still have more!
My next demand is imperative,
please don’t ignore.
Send me a school that values its staff!
That is SUPER CHILLED (and they know how to laugh!)
Make sure the school, has a leadership team, who,
have fair expectations on what all their staff can do!
*******
Well, the following week, I went for an interview.
20 minutes’ walk from home!
(What’s a girl to do?)
You are not going to believe this! I went to the wrong school.
I sat for 30 minutes, waiting like a fool!
By the time I finally made it, to the right place,
the head teacher handled it with so much ease and grace.
She just laughed and said,
“We all make mistakes!”
She seemed genuine and warm
(Not at all fake.)
Such a beautiful class
(I had to admit)
But I still didn’t feel like I’d EVER fit.
After I taught the lesson my anxiety intensified.
My chest was tight, I just wanted to cry.
I went to the interview to just say:
‘No!’
‘Thanks for the chance, but I really need to go!’
********
But as I sat with the head teacher,
strangely I found,
my anxiety dissipated,
I calmed right down.
I was open and honest, and admitted all my fears.
She listened calmly, she was warm and sincere.
She simply validated my concerns, we talked through a few.
At the end of the time, she said:
‘We really want you!’
So, I took the job
(almost on the spot)
I loved it so much how could I not?
I’ve never worked in a school so kind and peaceful.
Whose care about the staff and kids seems equal.
No uncomfortable silences in the staff room,
Little cliques of people who won’t let you in.
Everyone greets and always says hello.
Open conversations that with ease just flow.
I mean all the staff got gifts, just the other day.
From the leadership team, their gratitude to convey.
So, I’m so happy and contented
I really AM you see ….
were it not for this dreaded anxiety!!!!
********
But WAIT!!!!!
Don’t go I’m still not done,
(This poem is going to be
a super long one.)
At the same time, I’m studying with Gabor Mate
(Make sure you pronounce that like pâte)
Learning about childhood, trauma and so much more.
Practising being vulnerable, our subconscious to explore.
Listening to hours of recordings with numerous clients.
Understanding triggers and how to be more self-reliant.
It pushes all my buttons; it’s emotionally exhausting at times.
Listening to people’s trauma, learning to recognise signs.
*******
Yes, I’m still moaning!
(Can you believe there’s more?)
I’m currently living in a mini- Cold War.
I’m angry ‘she’ brought judgment and unkindness into our house.
(The very exact thing I’ve worked so hard to keep out!!!)
I know, I should be the bigger person!
Forgive and forget!
But it’s so dammed hard
when you feel hurt and upset!!!
And finally, not one single person has even answered our ad.
For the empty room that we’ll soon have open in our pad.
It’s been three WHOLE weeks of radio silence!
I’m a little bit worried God?
A request for some guidance.
It worries me,
(I’m petrified, I won’t deny!)
I don’t feel like paying her rent,
I’m not going to lie!
*******
So, my anxiety is coming, from many varied angles.
I don’t really feel like I have a strong handle.
But slowly as I’ve written, my tears have dried away.
I have a little more strength, in my soul, for the day.
Knitting words together so that I can express
emotions inside, that are a bumbling mess!
“You’ve got this!
You’ve got this!
You will be okay.
Just take a deep breath
and dive into the day!”
