Written 4th February 2021
Gloom-filled dreams engulf me,
I wake up with a heavy heart.
Chaotic feelings of loss and guilt,
flying off the chart
The entire world is flooded,
murky water everywhere.
I’m completely overwhelmed,
anxious, feeling scared.
I take my little sister,
out for a morning swim.
Seriously, why did I
even let her climb on in?
Giggling and playing
like silly little clowns
An invisible force grabs hold of her,
sucking her right down.
I tried to grip her hand,
I’m doing my very best.
She slips oh so silently
from my clutch with no protest.
Scene change: I’m now running, looking for my mum.
We had a horrible screaming match,
but she too, it seems has gone.
The feeling of her death
hits me in my soul.
Devastating grief,
I still feel the massive hole.
Now I’m searching for my grandparents,
desperately looking for their home.
All I find is an abandoned house,
I feel lost and so alone.
It frustrates me endlessly,
that my morbid dreams don’t improve.
Many of them are chasms
from my waking life removed.
My days are usually happy,
filled with so much joy.
I love my life, I love my path.
But at night I live in Troy.
So every morning I sit
and eke the darkness out.
I simply allow the space,
for all the angst and self-doubt.
I believe humans carry
more pain than we truly know
But when it’s stuck in our subconscious,
How do we let it go?
We live in a world that encourages us
to numb out so very much
Drugs, cigarettes, and alcohol
become our comfy crutch.
Or we hook into social media,
watching others’ lives.
Filling our heads repeatedly
with that toxic fallacious lie.
That others have the answers,
they’ve got things figured out.
When most of us are flailing,
struggling with self-doubt.
Feelings of utter loneliness
are as universal as they come.
But we block them out frantically
with all we need to get done.
It takes courage to find the time,
to just sit and let things be.
To acknowledge the pain,
not run from the shame.
Some things in life we can’t flee.
So, I’m proud of myself
for simply making time to sit
Creating a quiet space
for all the mental shit.
By the time I’m finished knitting
words into random rhymes.
I feel calmer, happier, more centred
every single time.
Credits